Trying to date somebody with high functioning anxiety

[Howlingvapor]

Honestly, I wouldn’t give him ultimatums or leave things open ended or whatever, I’d just leave him alone. He’s made it clear what he wants, and as sad as it is you need to move on. I know it seems like he’s the perfect guy for you right now, but 8 months ago I thought I was with the woman I was going to marry someday. Life throws us curve balls and people change though. If he decides someday that he wants something serious I assume he has your number, but until then you can’t focus on him right now. You need to treat this as something permanent until proven otherwise. If you don’t you’ll regret it, I know I did. It’s impossible to live a happy life when you believe the person that just left you might come back. So regardless of what you think about you’re future with him, focus on your life and personal healing. When you’re ready, start seeing other guys. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone you feel even stronger for.

I hope I didn’t sound too harsh, but my breakup was hell because I had fooled myself into thinking that it was temporary and that she just needed time to sort herself out and she even reinforced that belief to some degree. So it took me weeks to finally start healing after we got back together for two weeks and then it came out she was really in love with a man literally twice her age that constantly made wildly inappropriate comments about her on Twitter. Getting over all that was a freaking nightmare of hellish proportions that I’m only recently starting to wake up from. So please know that I tell you this with your best interest in mind:
Don’t leave it open ended! Get closure, heal, move on, and start seeing other people. Don’t do what I did, don’t waste time on people that don’t care. There are better human beings out there that will love and care about you just as much as you love and care about this guy right now.

Remember to love yourself, and good luck I’m rooting for you!


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[AllisonsMom]

I'm sorry you went through all of that and really tried to be supportive and didn't get the respect of reciprocity you deserved. I agree - don't leave things open ended.

My ex also wanted to be friends after we broke up, and we did that for about a year. It stopped me from moving on properly, and when he told me he was dating someone new, it really did break me. I don't know if he thought he was being nice, but he started telling me that all those things I had wanted from him - more romance, better intimacy, etc - were easy to give to the new girlfriend. It was so absolutely painful. I don't think he was trying to hurt me, but there was a lot about our friendship that was toxic and this was the last straw. I told him that I just couldn't see him ever again, wished him the best, and deleted/blocked all his contacts.

It was difficult, but after a few weeks I realized I wasn't thinking about him all the time, and eventually he just became a memory, and all the pain and heartbreak went away and I became open to new experiences. I have met several wonderful men since then, and my current partner is a much better fit than my ex, and a much better fit than I could even have imagined!

This is tough, but let him go - it is the kindest thing you can do for yourself, and if he cares about you as a person or a friend, he would also understand that it was the kindest thing he could do for you as well.

Feel free to reach out. Good luck! <3

 

[Chrisjones42]

When my anxiety was severe I would have never considered a relationship either.... however once I got to the other side with medication and saw that I could manage this thing my whole perspective has changed. I don’t put my life on hold anymore because I now realize that anxiety is treatable and we can live a happy life with this thing. I think you should encourage him to fight to find the right help whether it be medication or therapy and hopefully once he reaches the light at the end of the tunnel he will be ready to date again. If this is something he’s never gotten under control before the mind almost perceives doing anything futuristic to be impossible. It’s a real thing and it’s the most terrible feeling in the world. If he got the right treatment and was stable for a while he would most likely be fine and not push you away even if he relapsed a bit in the future because he has managed it before and won’t push difficult things out of his life because of anxiety. When you have never been successfully treated, you feel as if this thing will consume your life forever and that you can never move on. So basically encourage treatment and meds. The first med I tried landed me in the hospital thinking I was gonna die. I took me 4 attempts to get to the meds I’m on now and they are life changing and will change his whole perspective about anxiety in general. Good luck

 

[Carlyque]

I really would like to ask him to try medication. Everyone else I’ve talked to says that you have to keep trying until you find the right medication because like you, he told me he had a terrible reaction when he tried medication at first and it scared him so bad that he decided to find other ways to cope. His insomnia can be really bad at times so when I recently mentioned he should try medication he said he was worried he would become to reliant on it. You are correct about futuristic things being impossible for him. He told me he would be open to dating me again once he has gotten through all of this but waiting around for that to happen has been agonizing and I feel that medicine is my only hope. Or else like Allisonsmom said, I’m worried I’ll just become a friend to him and if/when he decides to date somebody else I’ll be devastated. But I don’t want this to be about me. I genuinely want what is best for him and I just want to support him not fight his battles for him. Perhaps I try the medication conversation and if he isn’t willing to give it a try I walk away? It’s so tough. But I agree with everything you all are saying.

 

[Chrisjones42]

Yeah I mean Zoloft scared the living hell out of me and I pushed away medication for so long due to the bad reaction I had to it. He has to understand that there is sometimes a biological component that has some responsibility for how he’s feeling... not every medication is going to give him an adverse reaction. Maybe try another class of medications... Zoloft is an SSRI but I’m on a TCA called anafranil. The TCAS are more sedative in the beginning and less prone to causing start up anxiety as a side effect and are mostly taken at night before bed. This is atleast the route I went and was successful. Any questions feel free to message me If you have any questions.

 

[ladybj]

It's good that he told you before getting very serious. As one of the other post stated, he does not sound as though he wants to be in a relationship, more than likely for several reasons.. anxiety being on top of the list. He knows himself and does not want to disappoint you. I know its hard but I would not press the issue. Allow time to pass and if it's meant to be it will and if not, there is someone special out there for you.

I'm sorry you went through all of that and really tried to be supportive and didn't get the respect of reciprocity you deserved. I agree - don't leave things open ended.

My ex also wanted to be friends after we broke up, and we did that for about a year. It stopped me from moving on properly, and when he told me he was dating someone new, it really did break me. I don't know if he thought he was being nice, but he started telling me that all those things I had wanted from him - more romance, better intimacy, etc - were easy to give to the new girlfriend. It was so absolutely painful. I don't think he was trying to hurt me, but there was a lot about our friendship that was toxic and this was the last straw. I told him that I just couldn't see him ever again, wished him the best, and deleted/blocked all his contacts.

It was difficult, but after a few weeks I realized I wasn't thinking about him all the time, and eventually he just became a memory, and all the pain and heartbreak went away and I became open to new experiences. I have met several wonderful men since then, and my current partner is a much better fit than my ex, and a much better fit than I could even have imagined!

This is tough, but let him go - it is the kindest thing you can do for yourself, and if he cares about you as a person or a friend, he would also understand that it was the kindest thing he could do for you as well.

Feel free to reach out. Good luck! <3

I am so glad you moved on and met someone special...

 

[Cuchculan]

The honest way, as an anxiety sufferer, that I would view all of this is ' would I date myself '. The answer would be a straight NO. That is me knowing what I am like. I would be awkward. I would not want to do anything at all. I would see myself as having nothing to offer anybody else. I find it hard to take care of myself. Why would I want somebody else to take care of or be part of the mess that is my life. This is the anxious mind talking here. From the words above it is clear I am not worth dating.

You done the right thing in moving on. You would have been left waiting until old age for anything good to come of that relationship. I mean that is a good way towards you. I can see things through his eyes. Use his mind. Only one I care about is me. Getting through each hour of each day. I like my space. My alone time. Other people don't fit into my plans.

Enjoy your new relationship.