Saying 'no'/self care

[MATD]

It sounds like you jobs are very diverse and rewarding. Do I detect you too are making lemonade? I can certainly understand why your feet give you so much trouble, you are constantly on them. And I do understand why. Being out and about with people can be very rewarding. You do have a way of making some sweet lemonade!

I would not mind a world unified, unfortunately the powers that be do not have the people’s best interest at heart, as we can see by the current people in leadership. “You will know them by their fruit.”

 

[PieFan]

Thanks @MATD I do work hard towards some big goals! Thanks for seeing that positively, sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me! My sister says 'you can't change the world' but we change it just by being kind I think. She's disappointed in her life, I don't know why because she's helped hundreds of people in her work. She reads a very negative news source though, Daily Mail. Inaccurate doom and gloom and spite. I think it's best to ignore anyone rabble-rousing!

As for Matthew 7 (I will study that today!) you quote, I'm not very impressed by anyone who says 'Christian' or 'God' or 'spirit' but is filled with hate, contempt or greed, or preaches the same- that's the only unforgivable sin in the Bible!

“Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces."

The world needs a new paradigm. I thought the Obama era was a shift in the zeitgeist, but it was just same old same old big-business interests, and Joe Biden is more politically competent but has the same 'old world' ideas; the US needs a left wing to balance out all this profiteering, and to steer us clear of inadvertently funding people like Netanyahu.





Nations have had bigger visions before and will again!

 

[Jonathan123]

The Statue of Liberty has always been an inspiration to millions looking for freedom from oppression, but what is the truth now? In the days when the statue was erected there were millions looking for opportunity and freedom in Europe. Some found it, some only found poverty. Sadly, we have watched the decline in political honesty in both our countries. We have similar personality problems in the UK as you do in the USA. It is case of Lions being led by Donkeys. But does a change in administration change anything? It's not the State that has to change it's the people. US!
PieFan says we can change the world by being kind, and that is a real truth. Honesty, kindness, empathy, understanding are so badly needed in the world today, but just talking about it won't solve the problem. We are the world, the world is us. There are no 'them' or 'they' to blame, it's us as individuals that can do it.
The Statue of Liberty is a woman, and rightly so. The world needs the female attributes of caring and love, not the male attributes of aggressiveness and domination.

 

[PieFan]

The world needs the female attributes of caring and love, not the male attributes of aggressiveness and domination.

I don't think gender determines these attributes necessarily. But education of and equality for women is important to a modern nation. Where it is resisted is usually marked by high poverty and societal violence.

We're electing people in our democracies who don't want to lead, they want to rule! Demagogues like Trump and Truss aren't going to treat leadership posts as a professional job they've been hired to do. At least Truss had the grace to resign, Trump will not leave America (and thus the world) alone!

I don't think politics will be the answer to the world's problems going forward, or democracy in the way we know it now. Womenomics and shared power also from this week 'Many say their country would be better off if more women, people from poor backgrounds and young adults held elective office' (https://www.pewresearch.org/global/2024/02/28/representative-democracy-remains-a-popular-ideal-but-people-around-the-world-are-critical-of-how-its-working/)

 

[PieFan]

Having a busy time, and have developed a foot abscess, so more antibiotics...I have been putting my feet up daily for a couple of hours at least.

My son is moving to a better home (yay!)

Staying calm. Praying and meditating.

 

[MATD]

Having a busy time, and have developed a foot abscess, so more antibiotics...I have been putting my feet up daily for a couple of hours at least.

My son is moving to a better home (yay!)

Staying calm. Praying and meditating.

Thinking of you, praying for you.

 

[PieFan]

Thanks @MATD

I have set up my next few days of work so that every day includes foot offloading. It's quite a mixed bag, study, childcare, therapeutic music groups, church music...all stuff I love.

@Gale one of the things I know now, since having serious health issues, is that my anxiety disorder racing heart rate thoughts are different than the coping with the reality of an actual physical condition: the difference is acceptance. I railed against the foot deformities at first, I was angry, and grieving, and in denial, in shock- but then realized that I had to accept it and learn to cope with it and still live my best life, whether that be in a wheelchair or homebound or (hope against hope) I could continue my current work at least some of the time. And that's what happened- I can and I do. I've *always* found a way, and often it brought unexpected joys and lessons and benefits along with the tears and inconvenience.

My religious faith is strong and I have a bunch of cheerleaders and mentors and I am getting better at being my own cheerleader on difficult and alone days.

Life's not perfect, but my sister noted how happy I am these days. That's because my son survived his very difficult time, and so did I.

Thank you, thank you, thank you I say every day, to the people around me, to God, to The Universe...

 

[MATD]

I’m painting the last two cabinets for my kitchen and should have them up in a couple days. The walls and the cabinets are the most difficult because I lack the physical strength of a man, but I figured it out. My confidence was a lot higher before I started on this undertaking. I’ve wondered several times if I bit off more than I could chew. But now that the hardest part is almost behind me, I can look and see that my original thought that “ I can do this” was valid. I let self doubt creep back in somewhat. But I’m on my own with no one to call for help if needed, so I didn’t have a “plan B” to fall back on in case I didn’t have the necessary strength. That’s what concerned me the most. I had to step back and regroup, take a few days to rest, not physically, but mentally. The closest I ever was to a physical disability was a compound fracture of my lower leg, on crutches for several months. But like you said, I learned to cope, I figured it out. My anxiety and depression has been the biggest challenge I have ever faced. It has been, by far, more disabling than a physical disability could be, in my opinion. It has kept me from living to the best of my ability, being the best I can be. I know that others won’t agree and that’s ok, but that’s how I see it. I’ve missed out on a lot of happiness and experiences because of it. I’m just not willing to waste what time I have left being miserable and afraid. If I die tomorrow, I want my headstone to read, “she died trying.”

 

[Jonathan123]

Yes indeed! We can learn to cope. It may be that we will always be anxious people, but that anxiety does not affect our lives and we can still feel happiness. Some try, others don't try hard enough. It's always a case of 'work in progress', or should be. Yes MATD, it is a challenge but what a useful experience it can be in showing us where we may have gone wrong. I have found, from considerable experience, that anxiety sufferers are so often kind and considerate people to others, but not to themselves. 'Love they neighbour as thyself'. It's the 'thyself' part that is so important. This is not the narcissistic love so many have, but a quiet confidence in oneself and one's ability, and to feel worthy of a place in the world.

 

[MATD]

I’m not at the point of accepting that I may be anxious for the rest of my life. My psych brought up the same thought and we did discuss it. My goal is to be free of unnecessary anxiety, but I concede that it may be one of those expectations that I have to adjust. I’m putting this one on a shelf for now, only time will reveal the answer. I have to agree that the whole anxiety experience has been one of learning. I can see where I went wrong, but I can also see where circumstances beyond my control were probably the biggest contributor. The environment I grew up in is what I’m referring to. The lack of nurturing and being taught necessary things was a huge factor. By the time I reached adulthood, the damage was already severe. It’s like the child being raised by wolves. The wolves could not teach the child what they did not know themselves. Does this make sense?

 

[Jonathan123]

Does it make any sense? Too right it does! It is so true that we are brought up mostly by parents. Now that may seem obvious, but as Bernard Shaw once said, 'the worse people to bring up children are parents'. How many parents really have a clue about how to bring up kids? They assume, because it's so easy to make a baby, that they automatically know how to lead it in the right direction. If a child is brought up in a living caring home then that child is truly blessed. But how many of us are? If we look at so many cases of anxiety it will be found that the problem lies in childhood.
I was raised in a dysfunctional household. My parents were constantly fighting and there was little love. That was the root cause of my GAD in later life. The wolves analogy is a good one. It's like being taught to drive by a friend or relative. They will pass on to you all their faults because they know no better. Parents do that to us. Now not all parents are bad. Not by any means. Most are just ignorant themselves having been brough up by their own parents in the wrong way. 'The sins of the fathers shall be visited upon the children and the children's children'.
Coming to terms with childhood problems is not easy. How can we forget? We can't. But we can accept the memories as in the past about which we can do nothing, and begin to move forward and away from them by acceptance.

 

[PieFan]

When my dad developed dementia at the end of his life his mind lived more and more in the past and he remembered things from my teens and we went through them all together 4000 miles apart yet closer than ever. We apologized and talked more deeply than ever before, and then I was busy for a few weeks around the holidays and he deteriorated a lot by our last conversation, when all he could remember was 'I love you', he kept trying to tell me things and his aphasia was frustrating him and I said 'tell me another time' and 'I love you'. He died the next week following a massive stroke. I did not receive the usual Christmas card that year and assumed it was the dementia, but the day he died I'd been on and off the 'phone with my sister all week and I called and she said 'he's just gone.'

I walked out to get the mail with tears flowing and there was his Christmas card 'All my love. Dad.'

I've forgotten all the difficult times now. All I remember is he did his best at the time, and so did I.

I wasn't 'raised by wolves' @MATD I had angels around me who weren't perfect but they gave me attention and guidance and an example when my dad didn't. Sending you lots of love.

Do you ever talk to a therapist?

 

[MATD]

Absolutely. My last therapist graduated me, apparently I had enough of what I needed to continue recovery on my own. Maybe wolves wasn’t a good analogy, but I was using it to indicate how little my mother knew about raising children and living life and I couldn’t blame her for my lack of understanding when she herself didn’t possess the knowledge herself. It’s sad but she has basically caused all of her children to become estranged with her behavior. The constant accusations, blaming us for her own quality of life, constantly bringing up our “sins” as children. And it never ends. Unfortunately I didn’t grow up with angels around me, we lived a very isolated life per my mother’s choice and very little social opportunities. Our extended family was just as dysfunctional as we were. I guess I was just reiterating how some of us with anxiety were predestined to it because of the environment we lived in. It was inevitable. I envy your latter relationship with your father. I doubt that I will have the same opportunity with my mother, she is adamant about the “sins” of her children and she is not willing to forgive and forget, or to see that she played a role in her own estrangement from her children. She has the victim mentality and she’s not willing to see things any other way. It’s painful and sad to see how it has destroyed her. I’m just thankful that I realized that I could have become just like her but for the Grace of God.

What a beautiful account of the Christmas Card. I’m sure that it will be with you forever. How I wish that could happen to me! But if it doesn’t, I can still forgive on my end.

 

[PieFan]

blaming us for her own quality of life

self-obsessed. Glad you are not like her.

 

[MATD]

self-obsessed. Glad you are not like her.

I could easily have been, I could see her attitude developing in me. That’s why I say by the Grace of God. I have to credit Him for allowing me to see the similarities and understand where I was headed. My mom isn’t a monster but she is greatly confused. I can’t say she is misguided because she had no one in her own upbringing who cared about her or gave her any positive attention, to guide her. Her parents were uncaring to say the least. Generational dysfunction, the sins of the father, etc. So she really did have a hard life in that she had no one to guide her, she had to play it all by ear. Once I fully understood, it was easier to forgive.

 

[PieFan]

Louise Hay says we are all doing the best we can in the now, but of course she believed in positive change and continual growth and personal development, and she believed some of our biggest growth and joy comes from helping others (which is what I have found)

The clocks go forward an hour here today, no word from my son, I was over there too with my friend doing repairs but he did not surface, which is not unusual but to not hear from him hours later is. It's hard for all the worry not to come back, but in my heart I feel he is just sleeping and being avoidant/reclusive (his way of coping since he started getting better, hoping it's temporary process) I'll do my meditation, have a cup of decaf tea, say a prayer then do paperwork for a couple of hours until work.

I cannot imagine parents who don't put their kids first, they will have so many regrets later, and my son is so kind and loving with me now, his dad will miss all that even as he missed all the trials and tribulations...I just read 'The 5 Biggest Regrets of The Dying' memoir, and missed/lost relationships is one of them.

How are your home renovations going this week @MATD? My son decided not to buy right now, and this house would need a lot of work.

 

[PieFan]

I started a new dementia music group today and there among the people was a woman who ran a dementia support group herself for many years, she still has beautiful kind eyes and I got her to sing a very little, but she is in her own world now. She was one of the first people who hired me when I started doing this work 20 or so years ago.

Saw my son today, he has a smile in his eyes again which I have not seen for a long time. I've been moving out most of his stuff, there's some kind of panic at work trying to get something fixed, so he didn't get to take a week off to find a place and move! He doesn't seem to worried about the prospect of homelessness though, knows he can sleep on my floor or in a hotel if necessary. I love his resilience.

 

[MATD]

A smile in his eyes! That’s wonderful! You know when you see it in their eyes it’s coming from the heart. I’m sure that did a lot for you.

Cabinets are all hung in the kitchen. A snafu with the countertops ordered, but tomorrow will take care of that. Was happy with my reaction, or should I say my non reaction? I chose to stay calm and rational, even though there will be a delay getting them. I’m in no rush so no harm done. Working on pulling up the glued down linoleum so I can put down the new flooring. The brute work is done but now comes the part where I have to know a little mathematics, figuring out the flooring layout. Basic math is my limit, but I’ll figure it out. We’ve got cold weather again and my Bandit is missing his walk.

I feel for your friend. It’s a sad situation to watch I’m sure. It makes me grateful for my own state of mind, even with anxiety.

Hope all goes well for your son. Being resilient is a great quality to have. Isn’t that the same as making lemonade?

 

[PieFan]

Hope all goes well for your son. Being resilient is a great quality to have. Isn’t that the same as making lemonade?

Maybe, though he can be the most negative pessimistic person when the depression overtakes him.

I told him 'you're lucky to have such a fabulous mother!' (who sorts out things when you are overwhelmed/lazy at doing things you don't deem important I meant) and he laughed and said I'm lucky to have such a great son who fixes my messes. Something like that. Light-hearted moments were in short supply for some time, and the gloomy messy home was an expression of his grief, but then became its own source of misery! This is a symbolic moment for our little family.

I feel for your friend. It’s a sad situation to watch I’m sure. It makes me grateful for my own state of mind, even with anxiety.

And that's what happens with dementia illnesses. And mental illness. Someone's brain breaks a bit, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if the attitude and prognosis is doom and gloom. The people I work with intensively in luxury settings retain their autonomy and quality of life, with the gaps in their short term memory facilitated by the staff and their family, and they are still happy and productive and life goes on.

Neuro-plasticity is not infinite, there's a window of opportunity to re-route the brain blood flow or create new neural connections, over the years so many situations in nursing homes have been less than optimal, for example, basic nutrition.

In trying to regulate nutrition many seniors have ended up with less than fresh options. Hell, I live in Texas and it is almost impossible to get an unspoiled salad product anywhere here. Why the hell are we all eating rotting lettuce?!

My friend @MATD is in a safe contained environment. Her family probably placed her there with every good intention. With dire results though, she needs to be in a normal environment doing normal things, not having her whole being focused on her one negative thing, her broken short-term memory.

I wish people could look at dis-ease (as Lousie Hay called it) differently!

 

[MATD]

I can relate to your son’s struggle with depression. That negative, pessimistic thinking can keep one extremely down. I’m learning a lot about myself in that respect as I slowly emerge from the dark and back into the light. I hope he can maintain the progress he has made. I have noticed the quality of lettuce in stores is not up to par lately, but I think the problem is confined to the storage conditions between the field and the produce department in the store. I’m looking forward to growing my own veggies as spring approaches. Last year I had fresh broccoli until the hard frosts took over. What a treat!