Saying 'no'/self care

[PieFan]

I've noticed I am less good at saying 'no' to people than I was before, well I worked so hard last week I made myself ill.
My self-care daily routine has fallen apart too.
Does this happen to everyone? It's like I have to specifically focus on it or I find myself overwhelmed. It never comes naturally...

 

[MATD]

Could you be overloading your donkey? Sometimes we set our personal expectations too high, take on more than we can handle at a given time, allow anxiety to drive us. Food for thought. Saying “no” is sometimes what we must do for our own self preservation. It doesn’t mean we are selfish or bad. We are only human after all. During my recovery journey I have found more peace when I lowered my personal expectations. We with anxiety tend to be perfectionists which is not a good thing, it makes us worse. I also recognized the push of anxiety. It drives us to take on more than we can handle, lures us into unrealistic expectations. In other words, we come to believe we should be Superwoman or Superman. As Jonathan says, another one of anxiety’s illusions.

 

[PieFan]

Thanks @MATD I think you are right, I'm having a foot flare up and realized that all my careful routines to take pressure off the feet have slipped away.
I could kick myself, then I feel like I *should* be doing more, then a bit of self pity and had a cry, and if I hadn't literally thrown up yesterday I would have dragged myself off to work. But I cancelled, finally, on my way there! I haven't said no to a request for help wednesday though. I feel that 'doom and dread' sensation, though nothing's changed except my foot's having a periodic flare-up which it always does when I do too much. My finances are even a bit better with the extra work and help from my son. Today I've washed bedding and written 2 papers for my degree. Now I'm feeling guilty for lazing about. It's like I have to be doing something. All the time.

 

[MATD]

Thanks @MATD I think you are right, I'm having a foot flare up and realized that all my careful routines to take pressure off the feet have slipped away.
I could kick myself, then I feel like I *should* be doing more, then a bit of self pity and had a cry, and if I hadn't literally thrown up yesterday I would have dragged myself off to work. But I cancelled, finally, on my way there! I haven't said no to a request for help wednesday though. I feel that 'doom and dread' sensation, though nothing's changed except my foot's having a periodic flare-up which it always does when I do too much. My finances are even a bit better with the extra work and help from my son. Today I've washed bedding and written 2 papers for my degree. Now I'm feeling guilty for lazing about. It's like I have to be doing something. All the time.

Resting or taking some down time is necessary. I think you know that. That “need” to be doing something all the time is that “push” I referred to. It’s pretty important to recognize it as anxiety, but it goes beyond just anxiety. It involves one’s expectations of themselves and beyond that to one’s self confidence. When we fail to live up to our own self imposed, unrealistic expectations it erodes our self confidence. And that’s where anxiety comes in to play. It’s a viscous loop we create for ourselves. Ergo we have done it to ourselves. We have to ask ourselves if it’s worth it. Is it so important that we make ourselves sick? When is it enough? When do we stop listening to the anxiety and start thinking for ourselves? And making better choices regardless of how we “feel” by using the lost art of logic and reason?

 

[PieFan]

Thanks @MATD

I am thinking about it all, I wish I felt more hopeful and joyful again. I've been doing well for a while, so trying to tell myself it's just a little blip, nothing has actually happened in real terms.

 

[MATD]

Thanks @MATD

I am thinking about it all, I wish I felt more hopeful and joyful again. I've been doing well for a while, so trying to tell myself it's just a little blip, nothing has actually happened in real terms.

Setbacks are common and necessary. They indicate we still have work to do, the goal is still attainable.

 

[PieFan]

I'm not even sure what my goal is any more @MATD Help my son stay alive, write books, make a living, study, create a program for care of the dying...I've been running about all over the place.

But it's been a more positive day, a few tears here and there, but I changed the bedding, made food, put out trash and did laundry. And wrote 2 papers, one of which the professor immediately graded and gave 100%! I'm achieving stuff all the time but it's become compulsive, never feels like enough.

My son wants to see me tomorrow, but I'll spend the day in bed first, same Wednesday before my evening work. Swelling in right foot is going down with ice pack and rest. I read some recent research about the fluid filled swellings in deformed feet, apparently feet should have MRI to monitor things. During the pandemic when I got my diagnosis there was so little info around, I wrote to dozens of foot doctors and told them about the condition and how it's always misdiagnosed at first. My gp told me to walk, I walked miles and it was the worst thing I could do. Supposed to stay off feet so the swelling goes down and doesn't cause deformity.

I'm just observing my feelings come and go, they don't make much sense today. There's a program about truffle dogs in Umbria, the dog is so happy, just digging for truffles. Dogs are way happier than people!

 

[MATD]

It sounds like you do have your donkey overloaded. As to those feelings, I’ve found that anxiety and feelings go hand in hand. Anxiety is pervasive, it influences every thought and feeling we have, right down to how we feel about ourselves. From my own experience, I’ve found it useful to not give my feelings a front row seat, instead I look at them and determine if they are valid in the face of truth. It’s given me much relief to not rely on “feelings” that are going to drag me back down. These feelings are, as I said, influenced by anxiety, so I do not trust them enough to allow myself to react to them. They are just part of the illusion.

 

[PieFan]

sounds like you do have your donkey overloaded.

You just made me smile, thinking of Shrek's donkey:

 

[MATD]

You just made me smile, thinking of Shrek's donkey:

View attachment 1658

I just watched this a week or two ago! I’m glad you smiled. My pastor often talks about overloading one’s donkey. I guess it stuck with me.

 

[PieFan]

I am often watching movies working with children.

I feel so drained though I slept well. My life is pretty difficult just managing the foot condition, I don't know why I thought I could do all this extra work except I do need the income, I'm just limping by (literally)

 

[PieFan]

Tues PM! Okay @MATD I've unpacked and started repacking the donkey!

Going back to offloading my feet is first, but I can do that and watch movies/listen to music/study/write/paint. Pulled out the knee scooter and modified shoe prosthetics.

We'll just keep trotting along a bit more slowly. And singing. Singing fabulous songs. Shrek movie would be nothing without the singing fabulous songs!

 

[MATD]

I love Eddie Murphy. Like Jim Carrey he puts a lot of energy into his acting. Both I think are brilliant in their chosen professions. Now there isn’t a thing wrong with trotting along slowly. And singing fabulous songs. Multi tasking at it’s finest. You know yourself that you gotta take care of those feet so you can keep trotting along. I have a neighbor who has a disease that ruined his feet and hands. He’s in a motorized wheel chair and traverses the neighborhood in good weather. He was a paramedic and since I worked as a 911 dispatcher we have a lot of things to talk about. It’s a delicate balance sometimes in this life, we are at the mercy of it, sometimes our can do can’t keep up with our want to. We just gotta learn to adjust gracefully so as to not cause ourselves more harm than good. Wishing for another Eddie Murphy movie to appear on my tv programming.

 

[PieFan]

I don't know @MATD Eddie Murphy announced he was retiring, but I think I read he's making a new movie, one of the police ones not comedy (I think)

I did my first job this am, then went and got tires, a job I've been procrastinating for ages, usually I would keep running with errands but I dropped stuff off at the library and came home to eat and put my feet up. NP has sent a prescription for antibiotics, need to pick that up.

Something I notice- sometimes things flow naturally, like today so far, some days have that 'headless chicken' feel...

 

[MATD]

Yep, there are days where things don’t seem to go well. Been remodeling my kitchen by myself, new cabinets, hanging drywall, new flooring, etc. This job has become a learning lesson in patience and persistence. Some days it seems like everything I touch fails. My tendency for perfection has been quite apparent. The opportunities to practice acceptance have been abundant. The project still goes forth, it’s either finish it or go without a kitchen which is obviously not an option. I’ve had to walk away from it several times to “regroup.” But a learning experience it has been, not about my abilities as a builder so much as my abilities as a simple human. Eye opening to say the least. The whole experience has brought to light my internal struggles and I think that’s a good thing. If I can see them clearly then I can address them.

 

[PieFan]

Interesting @MATD My son is talking about buying a 'fixer-upper'. You think anyone can learn to do all these tasks?

 

[MATD]

I come from a poor family and we had to “DIY” long before “DIY” was a thing. Out of necessity. In those days “DIY” was the norm. I learned through the years of watching, listening, being a gopher, figuring it out on my own, not to mention the folks on YouTube. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I gotta be careful though, I know just enough to get myself into trouble. The only thing I had to call help in for was 220 wiring for my range so far. That was a task I wasn’t comfortable with even though I had basic knowledge of what the task required. I suppose that anyone can give it a try, the trick being to study the project and determine what is required to pull it off.

 

[PieFan]

It makes me smile @MATD Before I left the UK people had started remodeling their homes constantly, I've always had the attitude of fix what needs fixing and why replace stuff which works fine?! People seek out 'original features' and pay more for them, all those beautiful homes chopped apart to modernize them!

Houses are poorly built in America on the whole, they rot away. Also there are termites and hurricanes and wildfires and floods here, it feels like we live life in a state of disaster recovery. Last 2 places I've owned were more trouble than they were worth. Prices have doubled though since then, so I understand he has to start somewhere if he wants to own.

Glad it's not my decision!

When I look around my home lately I want to get rid of everything except a handful of possessions, I find 'things' a burden, on one of those Alaska shows a man made a log cabin with a fireplace and chimney and outdoor toilet, if I were healthy it would suit me fine! I go into 'survival' mode when times are harder.

I do think practical skills give a sense of agency and confidence to our lives. Before my foot disorder I felt I could do anything, except college math (! and I'm even learning that now!) In recent years disability, especially without a health service or social safety net, has been a constant process of adaptation. and I've railed against and grieved for not being able to do the practical stuff I used to. But I'm beginning to see that confidence and sense of agency learned earlier helps me bounce back. Resilience is a skill set?

 

[MATD]

I think housing prices depend on where one lives. In my neck of the woods a simple house would be at least three times less in cost compared to many areas of the US. As for deterioration, it all depends on the owner keeping up with necessary maintenance, especially roofs and gutters that keep moisture away from the foundation. Another point is that the US is a new country. Many older homes still exist but they were mostly made with brick and were built by more affluent people. Brick is also more costly, which people can’t afford. I live in an area that rarely sees a tornado or earthquake and we only get hurricane leftovers. We can get quite a bit of snow in winter but we are used to it and know how to deal with it. When metropolitan areas are shut down with a couple inches of snow, we roll our eyes and think “they should use better tires in the winter.” It’s all in being prepared. Now about that outhouse, I’ve used plenty of them, and there’s nothing worse than having to move the outhouse to a new hole when it gets full. Or have to go outside to the toilet in zero degrees and pull your pants down. Or try to hold your breath while doing whatever job you had to do in there. And then there’s the perks, looking at the Sears and Roebuck Catalogue while taking care of business and borrowing some of the pages to finish the job. It is not pleasant, no matter how rustic and “back to nature” romantic it may seem. This is one of those “be careful what you wish for” things. My grandmother never had indoor plumbing her whole life. She passed in 1985. The water came from a neighborhood well and she had to carry it about 300 feet. Think about doing that on wash day in a ringer washer for 12 kids. Yep. I’ll take the conveniences of indoor plumbing. I’ve experienced enough of the doing without indoor plumbing and having to carry water from the creek to wash my own family’s clothes. And I do appreciate it. To this day I cannot stand to waste water. I grew up poor and there were those around us that were even poorer than we were. I was quite surprised when I learned years later just how poor we were. I thought my family was far more well off than others, but I mistakenly thought cleanliness was a sign of being rich. How a kid’s mind works! Call resilience whatever you want but you and I both know it’s definitely a necessary thing for survival. Sometimes it takes all we can muster. I find survival a lot different these days. The world at large is moving faster and things have drastically changed compared to even 30 years ago. I don’t like what the corporations and gvts. are forcing on us, as well as the financial realm and education system. But I have inside information from a high Authority that all will be well soon.

 

[PieFan]

I don’t like what the corporations and gvts. are forcing on us, as well as the financial realm and education system. But I have inside information from a high Authority that all will be well soon.

All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things shall be well...

I like global government, national politics nonsense and corruption and greed is destroying America and lots of countries. We are all in it together, survival. Cooperation not competition. Education is easy today, if we are selective. Hundreds of good courses online, free many of them, or nearly free; alongside the profiteering ones. I am almost 60 and never stop studying. It's the way to exercise the aging brain.

My father grew up in squalor until he was adopted about age 6, so he kept a clean home for us. When he retired he made an amazing garden. My sister sent me a picture of it now, it's been completely neglected and everything is dead or ripped out! What a gift a garden is...someone with no appreciation must have bought it. I left a pretty garden at my home there too and the new owners took almost everything out or let it die!

I just woke up cold, the temperature dropped significantly overnight, it's still in the 60s though, so maybe arctic conditions would not suit me now. I drank some warm milk, wrote here, which has become a lovely support journal, thank you @MATD

Yesterday I sang for 2 hours at a job, my voice was so much clearer for all the rest. People passing kept stopping to listen, it was a lovely day. A lady's personal caregiver approached me on the way in and told me her lady's story and she cannot see well and has been having a difficult time, so I had an opportunity to help, she said she had a lovely time. It was a birthday party. She was so well groomed, her caregiver is an angel. I meet lots of angels in disguise! (in life and online)

A colleague I've worked with for almost 20 years was there and I was early so we got a lovely chat, I miss that sometimes, working all over the place and for myself.

I did a Zoom book club on my way home, the lady who runs it has Parkinson's diagnosed recently, she has deteriorated already in a month, dyskinesias apparent already. She wants to garden and can't, she falls she told us.

Today I am taking 2 little boys to pre-school, I was meant to help their mum last week but I was too ill. We sing and play car games all the way, it's a happy time. The opposite end of the spectrum from my other work, and refreshing balance.