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Mistakes at work trigger anxiety and fear from boss

prana

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Aug 8, 2019
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Hey all!

I have been suffering from anxiety who knows since when but I found it out about a year ago when I started therapy. I am having big progress, since I could cope with my family issues, insecurity issues, and therapy helped me grow overall. However, there is still 1 fear I cannot overcome - my work-related anxiety.

I hate my job because in the past 1-2 years I had quite bad experiences with my boss and colleagues that made me become even more nervous and anxious at work. The thing is the way my boss behaves towards me kinda reminds me of the bad memories in my chilldhood - I was always ordered around and whenever I made something "bad" I would get yelled at. So, here I just cannot bear being ordered around, I feel like I am in a cage, with no freedom of thought or anything like this. Because the way he talks and does all of this is also quite... I don't know how to put it - bossy, demanding but in a very bad way.
I still get panic attacks whenever he starts arguing with me or scolding me and I get even more frustrated because I just freeze and cannot say anything... so everything I want to tell him - how bad I feel when he does it, how he is mistaken and the thing I did was right, or anything else - I just swallow it because I feel that if I speak up something worse will come and I will not be able to "control" my panic anymore and I will either faint or burst into tears. Even when I was little, having an opinion was a no-no. Even untill my 20s I had to ask my mother about EVERYTHING - I was not allowed to take decisions on my own. Otherwise she would yell all she could all day long at me and it felt like being beaten but with words. So yeah, this is how I feel at work whenever my boss confonts me.

Lately I made a huge mistake - in fact it could lose the company some money. When my boss comes back I will tell him what I did but I am terrified of his reaction and of my symptoms coming back at this very moment making me unable to speak once again.

Right now I cannot quit my job so this is not an option. I would appreciate it very much if you tell me what you think or if you share a similar experience you had.

Thank you.
 
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