Feeling of anxiousness to other things

[PRguru_cfj]

I can't complain much about my life, I got a good family, I basically can do what ever I want, and live in a good house. But as time progressed in school my anxiety started flare up and as I got older It become more toxic. Everytime somthing wrong happpend I became a 10 year olds tantrum for failing somthing so simple and I get angery and can't do anything right. Ever since collage started and all the real life things such as loans and relationships. Ait feels like all this is making me worse to fast
I have NEVER done somthing violent that would really destroy me. Now I can't talk to some one write, do homework on time, Express my emotions with out getting angry over them, and worse of all I'm starting to let people down. I am break ko ing things more and more by my clumsiness, my brother and sister hates me, I'm not doing well in university, and I made my parents mad at me again.
I'm nothing but a ******* loser who is selfish, lazy, over indulging weak little **** you is nothing but a blight upon everyone. An annoying little nat who serves no purpose for any one. No matter how hard I try weather it be sports, jobs, even talking to the opposite sex( hell even my own). I have no idea how I survived thus long with out ending it or exploding. I truly and fail 5 times over. Only thing I can do is play video games and lie about my life. I tried to get help and talk about it but I am an annoying little prick who serves no benefit to know one. I just want to not existence to feel this pain any more. I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP

I can't complain much about my life, I got a good family, I basically can do what ever I want, and live in a good house. But as time progressed in school my anxiety started flare up and as I got older It become more toxic. Everytime somthing wrong happpend I became a 10 year olds tantrum for failing somthing so simple and I get angery and can't do anything right. Ever since collage started and all the real life things such as loans and relationships. Ait feels like all this is making me worse to fast
I have NEVER done somthing violent that would r eally destroy me. Now I can't talk to some one write, do homework on time, Express my emotions with out getting angry over them, and worse of all I'm starting to let people down. I am break ko ing things more and more by my clumsiness, my brother and sister hates me, I'm not doing well in university, and I made my parents mad at me again.
I'm nothing but a ******* loser who is selfish, lazy, over indulging weak little **** you is nothing but a blight upon everyone. An annoying little nat who serves no purpose for any one. No matter how hard I try weather it be sports, jobs, even talking to the opposite sex( hell even my own). I have no idea how I survived thus long with out ending it or exploding. I truly and fail 5 times over. Only thing I can do is play video games and lie about my life. I tried to get help and talk about it but I am an annoying little prick who serves no benefit to know one. I just want to not existence to feel this pain any more. I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP.
I have always been a joke, everybody laughs at me and doesn't take me seriously. Looking down at me, mocking me and when I defended my self IM THE BAD GUY. No matter how hard I try I fail I am laughed at and I feel like I don't even exist. I can't even feel my emotions right anymore. Both physically and emotionally. I don't want to lose my self but I feel like it's only a matter of time.
I'm fainted to die alone, in a hole of depression loneliness and faithless. I pray but think no one is listening. It's just me alone not being able to TRULY rursut any one or let alone tell anyone about it. So that's what I am here. So if you can listen give me one good reason how a worthless wretch could live on when much more deserving people die everyday yet I'm still live. Give me one good reason to trust or believe in anything. I'm done with life but to scared of pain to end it. Jus convince me not to become a monster

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I'm getting better little by little. Slowly getting mybgrades up but the feeling of dread doesn't seem to go away. Specially this time considering this CORONA-19 **** going on. Haven't spoke to anyone outside this house and even if I did I still have this sense of disgust and mistrust I never got over. I feel alone and can never Express my self without being called something negative, I feel my sense of drive, want, and feels numb about everything. I start to care less and less about my grades, eating and if worse comes for worse myself or others. I have like a see-saw of emotions that I bury deep down but when I express good it bad it turns ugly. I feel caged, although I built it and am scared to exist. I want to be seemed and loved but I tried it all and I failed. But I'm still hear. Still don't know why I'm still hear I'm trying to become better

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Another sleepless night and more thoughts of events making me anxious to no end. Today my father laughed at me and called me weak. All this time he makes fun of me behind my back all of them. My b b brother hates me and doesn't respect me. My mother looks down on me for not living the way she wanted. My sister doesn't like me and calls me annoying and wired. I'm the oldest I deserve a little respect. I admit that I have become more lazy and pessimistic over the years. I stopped trying and feel like **** because of it. But at the same time I don't care. People always hated me and I always hated them. From family to co workers and friends. I don't know why I try sometimes and I just want to give up
I know people have it better than me and others have it worse. But the main thing is that what I belive is no matter how hard I work thier is ALWAYS some one better than me. I want to end my life and the same time I don't. But I want to love but yet I do. I don't know what to do any more. I'm surrounded by lairs

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Another day another hidden struggle. I had a good day I prayed and as per tradition did not eat meat for the entire day. I saw two movies and about to watch two more tomarrow after my test. So only short respites until the sleepless nights happen

 

[PRguru_cfj]

This whole ******* world never ceases to piss me off and it fucks me over to no end. No matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I fight, I ALWAYS ******* LOSE. Now I got yo pay a fine that is beyond my control becuase if this Covid-19 bull ****. I think I can't go to school any m ou re becuase of this as well l. I don't care anymore for the simple fact that I firmly believe nothing matters. At this point I HOPE that I get the virus. I HOPE that I die and leave all my bullshit. Most of all and for some reason wish pain upon.all who know me. I get mad and throw caution to the wind. I'm tired of working for a goal that I won't believe come true. My father says it's okay when I know for a fact that hes aboutbto lose the house that we live in. My sibling can't stand me and I hate them and I wouldn't give a fly **** if they b b lived ir died. My mother sees me as a disappointment for not studying what she wanted. The talk about me behind n.v d thier back Just like the others. I am nothing but a failure who they were to stupid to get rid of. Someday I will make them regret that mistake

 

[PRguru_cfj]

This whole world fucks me over I thought I was done with the term and I have good grades. But I mess up on two things. When I was picking my classes I forgot a step and now I messed my schedule. Also I have to mail my rentes books becuase Corna virus. I messed up the sticker and now Inneed to pay for shipping. I didn't k ow I made mistakes until. Ow. I'm such a **** up I want to die. I'm crazy and I'm the reason the people around me suffer. They say they care but they don't. One foot forward tow steps back. I'm crazy AND I WANT TO DIE. EVERY TIME I FAIL OR MESS UP IWOULD LIKE TO DIE. HELP ME
Please help.....

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I freaking knew those two didn't care about me. I was trying to break up a fight between my dogs and they just stood thier watching as one of them bit me. Then they slowly help me and then got mad at me for hitting the dog back. **** both of them then my mother has the nerve to call me and tell me to see if the dogs are okay. Nobody cares what I think and nobody cares if I get hurt. Fbb uck all of them.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I **** up bad today. I don't know if it was me but my dog went to the neighbor's house and fought the dog and injured both. I might lose my dog and worse off it's all my fault. I now for a fact it not okay and my family is to stupid to realize it. Were going to lose everything and I'm the cuase. If I would have died along time ago known if this would have happened. They should k ow that we can't come back from this. I am afraid that I will lose a family member and they don't care and accuse me for being childish. But they know I am right and they are wrong. I'm going to lose my dog

 

[PRguru_cfj]

My birthday co mk ins up but I feel empty for the occasion. I found out of a late charge for 200 and it will be that till June 2ed. It's all my fault I thought I am doing nothing wrong but now I have a big problem. The time for me doing nothing is slowly coming to an end. No mk ore dreams just reality if working to live. Working to eat. Nothing but emptiness ahead. I don't want things to change but It ******* has. Sucks being a grown up.

 

[MarciKS]

None of us are worthless. That feeling usually comes to us through how others make us feel which in turn makes us question our self worth.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

All I want is to live a life that will.make me happy and be strong enough to support the people I care about and make sure people remember my name and respect it. All my life people no matter the relationship good or bad look down on me. I have to constantly prove my existence and its tiresome. I am getting tried of trying and giving up and the bad thoughts are all in my head when I go to sleep and I can never rest easy. I always think some one is better than me and I just want to be done.

 

[MarciKS]

Explain what you mean about proving your existence please.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I try many things in my life. Good or bad I try to find my place. I b b tried being funny, smart, kind, and now I am at spiteful. I tried to be with the lowest of society to the highest. For some reason I attach people who are younger than me. Mind you not children because that will be weird. I had to n n earn my way through everything in school. Even when I got rejected in every single club and sport team you can think of. Hell even the pot heads turned me down, and they are the ones who accept everyone on the tree

I feel like everyday thatbI am alive, thier is someone out thier alot more deserving than me. And no matter how hard I work or grind it is never enough and the cliff keeps getting higher. And everything I learned will be forgotten becuase I am to stubborn and lazy or just plain stupid to do. I like learning about other world from fiction to none. Anime to cartoons. And movies and SOME books that are not too long.

What all they have in common is that they are winning the battles, accomplishing great feats, and beating the odds. I am just hear doingbthe best I can living my head in the clouds. Which is what I have always done but considering I am in my mid early twenties and still living with my parents and still in collage while alomstbeveyone I know is living it better or worse on the thier own terms

I want to be .ore happy but I I ow if I go out on my own I will fail crash and burn into the pit of failure form which I have always known. For everything I try to accomplish or do, More people make the bar even higher from where I cannot hope to reach. And Inhave to keep.making sure I am not forgotten or ignored like a waste of space I am. I can't do anything without breaking or ruining it, or more over making things worse.