Feeling of anxiousness to other things

[PRguru_cfj]

I can't complain much about my life, I got a good family, I basically can do what ever I want, and live in a good house. But as time progressed in school my anxiety started flare up and as I got older It become more toxic. Everytime somthing wrong happpend I became a 10 year olds tantrum for failing somthing so simple and I get angery and can't do anything right. Ever since collage started and all the real life things such as loans and relationships. Ait feels like all this is making me worse to fast
I have NEVER done somthing violent that would really destroy me. Now I can't talk to some one write, do homework on time, Express my emotions with out getting angry over them, and worse of all I'm starting to let people down. I am break ko ing things more and more by my clumsiness, my brother and sister hates me, I'm not doing well in university, and I made my parents mad at me again.
I'm nothing but a ******* loser who is selfish, lazy, over indulging weak little **** you is nothing but a blight upon everyone. An annoying little nat who serves no purpose for any one. No matter how hard I try weather it be sports, jobs, even talking to the opposite sex( hell even my own). I have no idea how I survived thus long with out ending it or exploding. I truly and fail 5 times over. Only thing I can do is play video games and lie about my life. I tried to get help and talk about it but I am an annoying little prick who serves no benefit to know one. I just want to not existence to feel this pain any more. I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP

I can't complain much about my life, I got a good family, I basically can do what ever I want, and live in a good house. But as time progressed in school my anxiety started flare up and as I got older It become more toxic. Everytime somthing wrong happpend I became a 10 year olds tantrum for failing somthing so simple and I get angery and can't do anything right. Ever since collage started and all the real life things such as loans and relationships. Ait feels like all this is making me worse to fast
I have NEVER done somthing violent that would r eally destroy me. Now I can't talk to some one write, do homework on time, Express my emotions with out getting angry over them, and worse of all I'm starting to let people down. I am break ko ing things more and more by my clumsiness, my brother and sister hates me, I'm not doing well in university, and I made my parents mad at me again.
I'm nothing but a ******* loser who is selfish, lazy, over indulging weak little **** you is nothing but a blight upon everyone. An annoying little nat who serves no purpose for any one. No matter how hard I try weather it be sports, jobs, even talking to the opposite sex( hell even my own). I have no idea how I survived thus long with out ending it or exploding. I truly and fail 5 times over. Only thing I can do is play video games and lie about my life. I tried to get help and talk about it but I am an annoying little prick who serves no benefit to know one. I just want to not existence to feel this pain any more. I WANT TO JUST GIVE UP.
I have always been a joke, everybody laughs at me and doesn't take me seriously. Looking down at me, mocking me and when I defended my self IM THE BAD GUY. No matter how hard I try I fail I am laughed at and I feel like I don't even exist. I can't even feel my emotions right anymore. Both physically and emotionally. I don't want to lose my self but I feel like it's only a matter of time.
I'm fainted to die alone, in a hole of depression loneliness and faithless. I pray but think no one is listening. It's just me alone not being able to TRULY rursut any one or let alone tell anyone about it. So that's what I am here. So if you can listen give me one good reason how a worthless wretch could live on when much more deserving people die everyday yet I'm still live. Give me one good reason to trust or believe in anything. I'm done with life but to scared of pain to end it. Jus convince me not to become a monster

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I'm getting better little by little. Slowly getting mybgrades up but the feeling of dread doesn't seem to go away. Specially this time considering this CORONA-19 **** going on. Haven't spoke to anyone outside this house and even if I did I still have this sense of disgust and mistrust I never got over. I feel alone and can never Express my self without being called something negative, I feel my sense of drive, want, and feels numb about everything. I start to care less and less about my grades, eating and if worse comes for worse myself or others. I have like a see-saw of emotions that I bury deep down but when I express good it bad it turns ugly. I feel caged, although I built it and am scared to exist. I want to be seemed and loved but I tried it all and I failed. But I'm still hear. Still don't know why I'm still hear I'm trying to become better

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Another sleepless night and more thoughts of events making me anxious to no end. Today my father laughed at me and called me weak. All this time he makes fun of me behind my back all of them. My b b brother hates me and doesn't respect me. My mother looks down on me for not living the way she wanted. My sister doesn't like me and calls me annoying and wired. I'm the oldest I deserve a little respect. I admit that I have become more lazy and pessimistic over the years. I stopped trying and feel like **** because of it. But at the same time I don't care. People always hated me and I always hated them. From family to co workers and friends. I don't know why I try sometimes and I just want to give up
I know people have it better than me and others have it worse. But the main thing is that what I belive is no matter how hard I work thier is ALWAYS some one better than me. I want to end my life and the same time I don't. But I want to love but yet I do. I don't know what to do any more. I'm surrounded by lairs

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Another day another hidden struggle. I had a good day I prayed and as per tradition did not eat meat for the entire day. I saw two movies and about to watch two more tomarrow after my test. So only short respites until the sleepless nights happen

 

[PRguru_cfj]

This whole ******* world never ceases to piss me off and it fucks me over to no end. No matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I fight, I ALWAYS ******* LOSE. Now I got yo pay a fine that is beyond my control becuase if this Covid-19 bull ****. I think I can't go to school any m ou re becuase of this as well l. I don't care anymore for the simple fact that I firmly believe nothing matters. At this point I HOPE that I get the virus. I HOPE that I die and leave all my bullshit. Most of all and for some reason wish pain upon.all who know me. I get mad and throw caution to the wind. I'm tired of working for a goal that I won't believe come true. My father says it's okay when I know for a fact that hes aboutbto lose the house that we live in. My sibling can't stand me and I hate them and I wouldn't give a fly **** if they b b lived ir died. My mother sees me as a disappointment for not studying what she wanted. The talk about me behind n.v d thier back Just like the others. I am nothing but a failure who they were to stupid to get rid of. Someday I will make them regret that mistake

 

[PRguru_cfj]

This whole world fucks me over I thought I was done with the term and I have good grades. But I mess up on two things. When I was picking my classes I forgot a step and now I messed my schedule. Also I have to mail my rentes books becuase Corna virus. I messed up the sticker and now Inneed to pay for shipping. I didn't k ow I made mistakes until. Ow. I'm such a **** up I want to die. I'm crazy and I'm the reason the people around me suffer. They say they care but they don't. One foot forward tow steps back. I'm crazy AND I WANT TO DIE. EVERY TIME I FAIL OR MESS UP IWOULD LIKE TO DIE. HELP ME
Please help.....

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I freaking knew those two didn't care about me. I was trying to break up a fight between my dogs and they just stood thier watching as one of them bit me. Then they slowly help me and then got mad at me for hitting the dog back. **** both of them then my mother has the nerve to call me and tell me to see if the dogs are okay. Nobody cares what I think and nobody cares if I get hurt. Fbb uck all of them.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I **** up bad today. I don't know if it was me but my dog went to the neighbor's house and fought the dog and injured both. I might lose my dog and worse off it's all my fault. I now for a fact it not okay and my family is to stupid to realize it. Were going to lose everything and I'm the cuase. If I would have died along time ago known if this would have happened. They should k ow that we can't come back from this. I am afraid that I will lose a family member and they don't care and accuse me for being childish. But they know I am right and they are wrong. I'm going to lose my dog

 

[PRguru_cfj]

My birthday co mk ins up but I feel empty for the occasion. I found out of a late charge for 200 and it will be that till June 2ed. It's all my fault I thought I am doing nothing wrong but now I have a big problem. The time for me doing nothing is slowly coming to an end. No mk ore dreams just reality if working to live. Working to eat. Nothing but emptiness ahead. I don't want things to change but It ******* has. Sucks being a grown up.

 

[MarciKS]

None of us are worthless. That feeling usually comes to us through how others make us feel which in turn makes us question our self worth.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

All I want is to live a life that will.make me happy and be strong enough to support the people I care about and make sure people remember my name and respect it. All my life people no matter the relationship good or bad look down on me. I have to constantly prove my existence and its tiresome. I am getting tried of trying and giving up and the bad thoughts are all in my head when I go to sleep and I can never rest easy. I always think some one is better than me and I just want to be done.

 

[MarciKS]

Explain what you mean about proving your existence please.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I try many things in my life. Good or bad I try to find my place. I b b tried being funny, smart, kind, and now I am at spiteful. I tried to be with the lowest of society to the highest. For some reason I attach people who are younger than me. Mind you not children because that will be weird. I had to n n earn my way through everything in school. Even when I got rejected in every single club and sport team you can think of. Hell even the pot heads turned me down, and they are the ones who accept everyone on the tree

I feel like everyday thatbI am alive, thier is someone out thier alot more deserving than me. And no matter how hard I work or grind it is never enough and the cliff keeps getting higher. And everything I learned will be forgotten becuase I am to stubborn and lazy or just plain stupid to do. I like learning about other world from fiction to none. Anime to cartoons. And movies and SOME books that are not too long.

What all they have in common is that they are winning the battles, accomplishing great feats, and beating the odds. I am just hear doingbthe best I can living my head in the clouds. Which is what I have always done but considering I am in my mid early twenties and still living with my parents and still in collage while alomstbeveyone I know is living it better or worse on the thier own terms

I want to be .ore happy but I I ow if I go out on my own I will fail crash and burn into the pit of failure form which I have always known. For everything I try to accomplish or do, More people make the bar even higher from where I cannot hope to reach. And Inhave to keep.making sure I am not forgotten or ignored like a waste of space I am. I can't do anything without breaking or ruining it, or more over making things worse.

 

[MarciKS]

Have you ever thought about just being yourself? You don't have to accomplish great feats to survive in this world. You're only job is to get up in the morning, slap a smile on your face, and make the best of it. You should not have to prove yourself to anyone. You are who you are. There are gobs of people I work with every day that may be able to outshine me but, they have their flaws too. And they spend all day trying to prove how cool they are and frankly they suck. Give yourself a break. You're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. One step at a time dude.

I just thought of something....for the longest time I felt sorry for myself because everyone had a b/f except me. Even these ugly chicks with crap wrong with them. And I couldn't figure it out. Then one day, I quit worrying about it. Perhaps you're putting too much stock in what others think of you or whether or not they approve of you. But I do notice you say terrible things about yourself. Maybe for once you need to give yourself a chance.

Have a great day today.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I tell my self everyday that Just be yourself mind your own business. But all of this is just me stalling for me for what I really want to do. I ALWAYS had thease violent thoughts. It's one of the reason I avoided sports for the fear the stronger I got the more the impulses would come out. I am tried of being over looked, kicked to the side. Constantly questioning existence. I want to be heard and go out to do some stupid **** for once in my life. Maybe I play video games, watch tv, you tube, and anime even tho I like those things. But I wish I was one of those characters. Brave, strong, smart, handsome. But mybworld is a fantasy where only money and bills are the reality.

Poeple telll me be myself where sometimes I don't kno wa who I am most of the time and I ******* wish I found someone outside this house who understands me. People laugh at me for being me and just forget about me. Normally I would give a crap.but when you get older it really stings sometimes. Looking me like I'm a joke is stating to get me mad and I can't get physical cause I would go to jail like that. I am done feeling powerless and being told down to like a child. It's like everything good you do is like a participation trophy. It is pissing me off

In school people only paid attention when I was an ass hole and I did lose and won some fights. But they still laughed and They still ignore me. So maybe jua maybe if the wolr d want me to be a ******* bad guy. Ill6show them a bad guy. But I REALLY deep down would like to stay a loser. My frakin mind is always split like that and it is freakin annoying.

 

[MarciKS]

Can I ask you a question?


Why do you care what other people think of you?

 

[PRguru_cfj]

It like this, if a kid keeps picking on you your two options is this: sulg the kid in the face ir ignore him. I had that two option tearing my head apart through out my life. Swtching to good person to bad person again and again. I want to be happy but being contempt and being satisfied is two different things. I care if they disrespect me and look down on me. Young me couldn't care less or didn't notice it. But current me sees the people around me as less than so and its starting to work
Me

I got people to hate me and like me. But I could never get anyone to RESPECT me. Granted I had no skill or status to hold on to some rep. Sll I had was my academics and a nasty attitude for friend and foe. The bad boy faze made me get some friends and some unhealthy hook ups. Also some turn ups here and thier. But I was only used for a quick fix and a laugh. The short gratification died out a long time ago. I say high to the same people in collage but they didn't even know me.

I tried to get a new lease in life, get a job start driving foing my college work. But I wanted to live a more, freer life. But I let go of all that since I learned more about life. But I still have that child like dream. Other wanted to be famous, some wanted to be glory. But I want just wealth to pay for others dream. What I mean by this is for any problem I can solve it and protect those ai care about. I care because I do NOT want to be remembered as fool or a freak. To be disliked as a social pariah. To be steeped on by someone better than me

I want to gave enough westh so that I don't break me and mines backs for NOZ ONE. I don't trust people becuase they instantly look down on me and I hate them for it. THO I did gave them a reason for hate. But afterwards felt shitty afterwards. I am not cut out for. Being a bad person but some part of me wants to me. I don't want to be discouraged and made lay low by my envy of others. If I couldn't be on top I just quit and moved on

It happened again and again and AGAIN. I wa ant to be respected and strong like my father is. Hes notbthe boss but he is the hgv hardest worker and gets paid the most. And everyone in his job both respect and envy him. I would kill for that kind of rep. I do not want th o be looked down on by anyone or anything

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Can I ask you a question?


Why do you care what other people think of you?

Because I don't want to be the loser people say that I am. I want to prove that I can be as good if not better than them. I always had this shadow over me and ubove me are the people who are the ones who made me feel this way. I can never get over the negative things that have happen in my life and it really affects everything I do. Part of me wants to be some one while most of me wants to give up. I hit to tell ya giving up is starting to get REALLY REALLY appealing thease days.

I sometimes question why do I even go to college when I keep telling my self I can't fo things. The same words people tell me and I am starting to believe those words even tho I try atlas hard as I can. Sometimes I thinknIf I was hone today the world will keep spinning. My family would be sad and alot others. But Inwould be less of a burden than when I was alive. But that flicker of hmm ope still pushes and it keeps getting dimmer every day

To answer your question is that I am to stubborn to admit defeat even though I face it every day and the negative words of those around me and thier total negligence to my existence is realy tiring me out. I don't do thing beciase I know I am gonna fail in the end. But I have a duel minded brain. So I will keep tourting my self until I reach some closure. Bbn I refuse to br the loser they say I am. But deep down I want to accept that fate. Hell I'm even contemplating quitting school and just get a day job. No point in doing anything if you know the outcome.

 

[MarciKS]

none of us are losers and you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. you just need to be who you are and they need to deal with it. i spent a lifetime trying to prove myself. didn't do any good because the person i was meant to be was there the whole time no matter what anyone thought. please don't be so hard on yourself. everybody has their own crap they go through and their own issues. doesn't make you a bad person or a loser. you have to work on getting through each day to become the person you are meant to be. forget about everyone else's bs. you are just as important as they are without having to prove a thing.
oh and btw...{{hugs}}
are you failing your classes? if not...then don't listen to the aholes. keep on keepin on.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

Things are getting a little better well at least a little in my head. But when I look at people I am starting to feel disgusted by them. It's not like I think I am better than them NO. It's like I see them as the same people as the ones who miss treated me. But I know Most of my enemies is beuacse I was cruel to them first and never gave them a chance. That had a cascading effect and made people hate me even more. I turned mynback on good people who liked and cared about me. I humiliated my sister. because of my attitude and my brother. God sometimes I don't know why I do these things. I always dream of fighting back but afraid I will turn into a monster.

Maybe I want sto be the violent asshole. Maybe I want to be the villian every body says I am. Maybe I want to make people feel the same misery as I had and show them how truly ugly I CAN BE. But my annoying moral compass always gets into the way. I will always get this seesaw attitude I have on life and my moral compass. Nothing is fully good or bad. It's just results and decisions. And my negligence and fear has screwed me a metric **** ton

none of us are losers and you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. you just need to be who you are and they need to deal with it. i spent a lifetime trying to prove myself. didn't do any good because the person i was meant to be was there the whole time no matter what anyone thought. please don't be so hard on yourself. everybody has their own crap they go through and their own issues. doesn't make you a bad person or a loser. you have to work on getting through each day to become the person you are meant to be. forget about everyone else's bs. you are just as important as they are without having to prove a thing.
oh and btw...{{hugs}}
are you failing your classes? if not...then don't listen to the aholes. keep on keepin on.

I am got A's and B'S but I am always afraid if the skills and hardwork will be enough to complete with others more deserving of positions. I always think thiera someone better than me and I am an unimportant nobody. I am TRYING to get out of that mind set and becoming more grown. Yet I still struggle and I am still coping with that fact. But thanks for the moral gesture, I guess I was right that you had that bid heart of yours. It's only a matter of time someone near you will notice it. Mines is closed off....for now at least. I am still a slave to my desires and fears as of this moment