im in ninth grade right now
i have so many problems i need to deal with.
my mom makes me want to kill myself. she seems like a normal mom, but she reminds me of everything i hate about myself. in speech, you learn to evaluate someone, where you should have two-three good things and one bad thing. for me, it's like 6 bad things at breakfast, 10 at dinner(not to mention phone calls too) and the last time i heard a positive thing was weeks ago because i'm better at getting out of bed than my sister.
"you need to be more mature" "if you keep on acting immature, your friends will leave you" "how can you have friends when you act like this" "stop getting panic attacks, you're asking for attention and people will question me" "you need to stop eating sugar and exercise more" "i won't let you get a boyfriend because no guy would ever like you and i don't want you to get hurt" "you're too distracted by everything" "you have nothing special about yourself" "make yourself better and then you're friends will actually want you" "don't help out in your friends' relationships you'll only mess things up" "why can't you be like anyone else"
my therapist told her that she was never wrong when diagnosing someone with adhd and she thought i had it and my mom said " no, she's just immature and doesn't wanna learn. i asked her kindergarten teacher, and her teacher said that's just how all kids act." i told her i had adhd in sixth grade and she laughed at me. i told her i thought i had depression in seventh grade and she laughed and called my sister over and told her and they were both laughing at me because "i'm always so happy" but they didn't know that i started cutting in sixth grade. all i ever wanted was a test or a therapist, so i could get the help i needed before things got too bad.
because midterms were just finished and i finished a big project, i went to get boba with my friends, and told my mom before. my friend who normally sends me home was at hip hop club practice. when we walked back to my school, hip hop club wasn't over yet so i just walked home because last time i waited my mom yelled at me. now, she called me out of control and she said i can't do anything with my friends anymore(and she made me quit the hip hop club a little bit before because "i can't handle time management").
she told my sister whos in college and made me sound like a terrible person and made me cry because hearing her say that made me feel like i was a brat even though i only did it because i thought the alternative would make her mad at me. i was crying while playing saxophone and she went over and interrogated me because apparently me crying means i disagree with her and i was just crying because i had to and i couldn't control it.
because i'm chinese, my mom used to hit me(it's chinese parenting). it probably worked on some kids in china, but it only taught me to hurt myself when i'm mad. that's why it feels good to cut and scratch myself.
i feel like my mom will never understand how much she hurts me everyday. me crying is just me being a brat. me not being able to pay attention in class is me not caring enough. me liking hip hop and drawing because it's like an outlet is me being distracted and not wanting to focus on what matters. me getting panic attacks is me asking for attention.
i don't know what to do anymore. if it continues down like this, i might just kill myself.
i have so many problems i need to deal with.
my mom makes me want to kill myself. she seems like a normal mom, but she reminds me of everything i hate about myself. in speech, you learn to evaluate someone, where you should have two-three good things and one bad thing. for me, it's like 6 bad things at breakfast, 10 at dinner(not to mention phone calls too) and the last time i heard a positive thing was weeks ago because i'm better at getting out of bed than my sister.
"you need to be more mature" "if you keep on acting immature, your friends will leave you" "how can you have friends when you act like this" "stop getting panic attacks, you're asking for attention and people will question me" "you need to stop eating sugar and exercise more" "i won't let you get a boyfriend because no guy would ever like you and i don't want you to get hurt" "you're too distracted by everything" "you have nothing special about yourself" "make yourself better and then you're friends will actually want you" "don't help out in your friends' relationships you'll only mess things up" "why can't you be like anyone else"
my therapist told her that she was never wrong when diagnosing someone with adhd and she thought i had it and my mom said " no, she's just immature and doesn't wanna learn. i asked her kindergarten teacher, and her teacher said that's just how all kids act." i told her i had adhd in sixth grade and she laughed at me. i told her i thought i had depression in seventh grade and she laughed and called my sister over and told her and they were both laughing at me because "i'm always so happy" but they didn't know that i started cutting in sixth grade. all i ever wanted was a test or a therapist, so i could get the help i needed before things got too bad.
because midterms were just finished and i finished a big project, i went to get boba with my friends, and told my mom before. my friend who normally sends me home was at hip hop club practice. when we walked back to my school, hip hop club wasn't over yet so i just walked home because last time i waited my mom yelled at me. now, she called me out of control and she said i can't do anything with my friends anymore(and she made me quit the hip hop club a little bit before because "i can't handle time management").
she told my sister whos in college and made me sound like a terrible person and made me cry because hearing her say that made me feel like i was a brat even though i only did it because i thought the alternative would make her mad at me. i was crying while playing saxophone and she went over and interrogated me because apparently me crying means i disagree with her and i was just crying because i had to and i couldn't control it.
because i'm chinese, my mom used to hit me(it's chinese parenting). it probably worked on some kids in china, but it only taught me to hurt myself when i'm mad. that's why it feels good to cut and scratch myself.
i feel like my mom will never understand how much she hurts me everyday. me crying is just me being a brat. me not being able to pay attention in class is me not caring enough. me liking hip hop and drawing because it's like an outlet is me being distracted and not wanting to focus on what matters. me getting panic attacks is me asking for attention.
i don't know what to do anymore. if it continues down like this, i might just kill myself.
