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At One Of My Lowest Points...

jay_03

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Dec 27, 2019
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My life is in shambles. I’m a healthy (enough) 19 y/o American college student. I’ve burned bridges with my family. My friends hate having me around now. I had an avoidable fight with my longtime committed girlfriend while she’s on her dream study trip. My brain is in a constant state of thinking I’m terminally ill and I know there is absolutely no way I could have been infected. I have pushed every single person I loved in my life to the brink with my anxiety. I’m finding it hard to find reasons to be happy everyday now. I’m sure that my family can’t stand me and am now completely aware of the possible extinction of any hope I had of a family of my own and a happy future. I’ve done this to myself and I’ll die alone, hopefully at an older age than this one. All because I let a chemical imbalance and a phobia that has no basis of truth to it take hold of my life. Don’t be like me. Learn from my mistakes, seek help before you push everyone you love to hatred of you. Because I’m surrounded by people. But none of them can stand me. And that sh!t kills me inside.
 

Howlingvapor

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Feb 23, 2019
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Don’t give up hope man. There was a time in my life when I let a relationship with a girl who barely cared about me, drive me insane with anxiety and push everyone away. But the moment she left and I thought I had nothing left I reconnected with friends and family and now the bond I share with my loved ones is stronger than ever. I’m not going to pretend that I understand everything you’re going through because my anxiety isn’t health related. However I do understand that feeling of pushing everyone away. That feeling like everyone hates you because you’re constantly stressing about things they don’t understand and get angry over nothing because of that stress. It hurts so bad and I truly feel for you. But trust me when I say that when it comes to your loved ones, especially family, it takes a lot to truly and irreversibly push them away. You will most likely find that as you begin to tend to your mental health and heal, your loved ones will turn out to be much closer than you think right now.

I was about your age when the woman I genuinely thought I’d marry someday just told me she didn’t love me anymore. The woman that I had gone through so much hardship and pain with and stressed about constantly decided that just when things got less chaotic that she didn’t love me anymore. I had spent the 8 months before that point pushing away all my friends and family and investing all my time and energy into that relationship and in doing so I hadn’t spent time with friends in months, I actually once told my dad I didn’t trust him anymore and that the only person I did trust was her. I had become a shell of my former self because I obsessed over the relationship to the point where I was nothing without it. I’m explaining this because I want you to understand the extent of my self isolation.

Over time, as I began to heal, attending therapy on a regular basis and training myself to meditate, I started spending more time with my loved ones. I took up new hobbies, went camping with friends, and visited relatives in another state during spring break just because I felt like it. Over time I reconnected with my friends and family and now I cherish those connections more than I ever have.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that you haven’t pushed away your friends and family forever. But in order to reconnect you need to begin with healing. Even if the improvement therapy or other chemical/holistic methods of healing has on your mental health at first is small, at least you’re making an effort. Perhaps you’re already attending therapy or meditating or whatever, but if you are than that’s great, just know that the connections you’ve lost can return with time and maybe even new ones will form.

Your life’s not over yet. I know you didn’t mention anything about suicide, but you sounded a lot like me towards the end when I was contemplating it. I still have my issues now and then don’t get me wrong, but if I had taken my life the night she left I would’ve never experienced any of the things I’ve managed to see and do this past year. I would’ve never known what it was like to do stand up or go for 1 drink at a bar only to end up partying till 4am with the bar owner and meeting some of the coolest people I’ve ever known. I would have missed out so much. That night I told myself I had nothing to live for and that I was going to die alone, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Things will get better as long as you’re striving for better. Don’t lose hope. Whether you realize it or not I guarantee your family still loves you despite whatever issues you’re having with them right now. I hope this helps in some way, again I don’t know the details of your problems or if any of what I’ve said relates to them, but I hope at least something I’ve said has helped you.


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