Anxiety over contacting husband's mistress

[Nereides]

This is quite a pickle! First off, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time with your husband. Be it true or not, it is always best to resolve the matters with just the two of you. Even if he may have brought a third party into the mix, the fact of the matter is, the TWO of you are the ones bound through marriage. That said, try to work together amicably and get to the bottom of it together. It may be difficult to open up your little can of worms but if it's to clean it out, it will all be worth it!

 

[sidney]

Well Surrender, it seems like you won't get proactive in getting the evidence needed and you just want to truth to surface on it's own. Well, if that's your choice then it's up to you, so I wish you all the best. I suspect though that the more you don't know, the more that it will eat you up late at night before you sleep. So if the pressure of not knowing becomes unbearable, then you know what do do.

 

[DDNatureLover]

In this type of circumstance, it's important to know what you hope to accomplish. What would you get from confronting the girl? If she is someone who would sleep with a married man and also apparently feel free to discuss the matter on social media, it's doubtful that you could shame her into stopping an affair, assuming it is happening. I've had very close friendships in the past with men, without having affairs. I know that some people thought things were going on, but that wasn't the case, because I wouldn't cross that line. In fact, I would help them to deal with some issues, and help them understand the female perspective, so they could improve their relationships with their spouses. These were social friends, coworkers, etc., and I'd also associate with their wives and children, so the partners knew nothing was happening, but it was more an issue of outsiders misunderstanding. That doesn't seem to be the case with your situation, though, and it wouldn't be surprising these days for someone to think it's o.k. to sleep with a married man or woman and brag about it on social media. It seems that your husband is contrite, whether or not he did cheat, and I agree that having a joint session or two with his therapist might help to figure the situation out and form a plan for how to proceed.

 

[Danielle]

I think that it would be smart to try and figure this out, but it might not be the smartest idea. I mean she could just end up saying no because she wants to lie. She has no relation to you, so she doesn't care. No matter what I'm sure that you will find out like others have said. Someone will slip or something will get said. You will find out because honestly something like that can't be kept a secret for a long time. But, I just think that it's not a smart idea to contact her. Especially because she might know that it's you. I mean think about it, who else would want to know about that? You know?

 

[Panic57]

Thank you all so much for all your replies, I really really appreciate all your support!!


I came to the idea of anonymously emailing her because I just can't get any solid proof. My husband travels for work and this woman is in a city far away. So any hotels, credit card expenses, etc., are all justified for his job, there is no way I can catch him there. Then his phone has a private mode, and I am certain he has a secret gmail account.


He seems to have all his bases covered, my only proof was suspicions, like locking and hiding his phone suddenly for some months, buying new underwear for the first time ever, me finding a hair in his car, him basically treating me horribly when he used to be kind, etc., all stuff he could explain away.


It seems my only hope of this being revealed is from the girl, whom I feel is almost even is cryptically goading me on social media. All her social media has been mirroring everything we've been going through since this all exploded, it is just too much to all be coincidence, but apparently my husband says it's meaningless. He even told me if the girl ever used his full name on social media it didn't mean it was him because he has a common name. He's also told me many times to go ahead and contact her - so I feel like she's prepared for it and is supporting him, waiting for him to come back to her, and her social media reads like this too.


So I thought if I contact her in a way stating she is encroaching on my marriage, she may reveal it to me by having her pride injured, as she seems to be a know-it-all type that thinks she is real wise and good-hearted. But I'm getting the impression the majority of people do not think that is a good idea. Argh!!! I don't want to act like a psycho, but I feel I am almost being forced into that role by having so many suspicions yet being told I am wrong. Why would a man shake, vomit, cry and beg about something that is not true??? Well he told me it was because he was so scared I had a false belief about him, and now that he figured out I have no real proof, he's no longer crying, and he's getting arrogant again. He even told me I'm going to owe him an apology for all this.


So I feel like I have reached the end of options, and now it is like he won, and I just have to believe him, and give him an apology. And I feel that is going in inflate his ego and give him a rush of power that he has gotten away with this, and can go back to what he was doing, or not. But how will I know.

Question, why does your husband have a locked phone? I get having a password on your phone so strangers can't get into it but you should be able to get into it.  My boyfriend can get onto my phone and my computer whenever he wants, I have nothing to hide.  You can't be in a relationship without trust.  Unless you suddenly changes before all this which would cause him to treat you horrible, then he's slow removing you from his life.  I would start stashing money away and get ready for the worse, even if he isn't cheating on you.  Get quiet, stash some cash away to cover living expense, get a job if you don't already have one, and get ready for the worse.  In the mean time, start quietly keeping track of anything weird and find more concrete proof, if you back off first, he might make a mistake.  You should apologize and hide that you have any suspicions, nothing makes people lie more than when people are openly calling them out.  Once you apologized he'll think he won and then need to decide how far you need to go to find out the truth.  I'm a fan of stalking when you don't have concrete proof, though  I've never been married and would just dump a boyfriend if I suspected that he was cheating on me.  Stalking is probably your best bet if you want the truth.  Ethically, you're probably not going to be in the right and if your wrong he'll never trust you again.  But I don't think a guy would vomit, beg, and shake if he was really innocent. You might need to find a way to check his email, his phone, call him at odd hours at the hotel as someone else with a wrong number, and maybe follow him in a car.  You might even need to hire someone else to sleuth out the truth.  Not knowing the truth but suspecting will just eat at you.  Don't bother approaching the mistress, she'll never side with you until she's an ex and even that's iffy.  Since your married, you need to settle this but be prepared for the worst, good luck.

 

[janemariesayed]

Ever heard the phrase 'seek and you shall find?'. Of course if we suspect that our spouse is betraying us it can cause a massive pain in our heart. You may not like this idea Surrender, but I say to ignore it. Yes, I mean don't give it a thought. Give your best to your Husband, be grateful for him in your life. Forgive him for his faults and weaknesses. It is you that he married and it will only become better for you both, if you work at it. Forget trusting for the time being, don't think about it. Think about ways you and your Husband can find that special feeling again that you both shared when you married. Forgiveness isn't agreeing with something, it is leaving it in the past, not thinking about it and letting go. Give him a chance, but by giving him a chance put your whole heart and soul into it. Don't let your mind entertain sordid thoughts. He and she will finish if they truly haven't already and you and he will last the time. Get thinking about all the great things you can do together, and as a family to make things right again. However you feel, swallow it and get out there and win him back. You already have a mega head start as you are his wife.

 

[misszerable]

If he is maintaining his phone on private and not sharing the password with you, I'd be suspicious if I were in your place, I don't think I'll find peace of mind and go on normally with the marriage with such doubts nagging at me and with issues hanging in the air. I would find a way to either affirm or negate my suspicion. It's either I do the stalking myself or hire a private detective to find out on my behalf. That's how important it is to me.  

 

[Choochoo]

In my opinion it would just depend on your personality as some people are fine just sweeping things under the rug and just turning a blind eye. I say if you really feel like you want to find out then you should do it, as I am guessing that most of the anxiety just stems from being in the middle. If you take action I think it would be best not to expect any specific outcome though and instead just understand and accept that things are probably going to change and all you can really do is hope for the best, but if it is really eating you up inside that you don't know exactly what's going on then I do think you should try and find out. 

 

[Surrender]

@janemariesayed thank you so much for your words. I feel and hope we have already started down that road you describe, so it was almost prophetic feeling to read your post - thank you  


Things have changed since the summer, I am still suspicious of the past and the other woman, but it seems we have started to go forward differently, he is not acting as miserable towards me and seems to be trying to make amends. I still feel angry when I think about it, but keep trying to take things day by day, and since he is acting more decent towards me it is easier to focus on the present and forget about the past. 

 

[Ania]

However I feel I can't go on like this, not knowing the truth for certain, it is all eating away at me. My question is, should I anonymously contact this girl, and confront her with what I believe is going on, and tell her to stay away from my family? Because from some cryptic messages she posts on social media, it appears she is offering him love and an open door to come back whenever he wants. Or could this all somehow backfire against me?

So sorry you are going through all this, you are showing so much strength, good for you!   I'm going to be very honest and give you my honest opinion, I have seen this kind of thing happen very often where I come from, so I am not going to shower coat it, because I think you deserve to know the truth and there are many things you should analyze on your own. 


I honest think your husband behavior and that girl's behavior make it obvious they have something going on. When you accused him he had a mental breakdown... he probably thought that was it!  He truly panicked.  It's never a good sign when a man showers you with gifts after an incident like that, when a man does that is because he is feeling guilty.  So don't feel bad, you have all the right to suspect he is cheating on you!  ALL red flags are there.  


Now... they might never admit it.   So even if you contact that woman, there is a big chance that woman won't tell you the truth at all.  If that is the case don't feel bad thinking it was all untrue... in my opinion you have all the proof you need, but I doubt you get anything out of her or him.  If you really want to know,  you will have to do some investigation on your own. Otherwise don't expect truthful answers from those two.  

 

[sidney]

So I guess you're ready to forgive him whether he is or was cheating or not? Well that's good if you are still able to trust him and look past that huge transgression. Just make sure it never happens again. Like the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

 

[Fraser]

This was clearly settled years ago, but the husband's behaviour here is guilty as hell.

 

[Izthewiz]

I'm a Christian and have cheated on my girlfriend who is now my wife.
only because we worked through it our marriage is now bullet proof.
Without true evidence this case cannot be built.
I would try and work through thing and let things go some things are better left unsaid.
I believe you need to get into someone well qualified to help not here this isn't the best place to fix your marriage none of us here are qualified.
I've seen people get really bad advice on facebook and other social media sites and next their friends and family hate the guy and wife has to change their opinion of him after.