Anxiety over contacting husband's mistress

[Surrender]

So I recently have come to believe that my husband has been cheating on me. I don't have any proof, but I just have a number of coincidences that all lead to it being a certain person, plus some crying, vomiting, and mental breakdown of my husband when I accused him of it. Despite this behavior on his part he still vehemently denies everything, bought me a few presents, and put himself in counseling.


However I feel I can't go on like this, not knowing the truth for certain, it is all eating away at me. My question is, should I anonymously contact this girl, and confront her with what I believe is going on, and tell her to stay away from my family? Because from some cryptic messages she posts on social media, it appears she is offering him love and an open door to come back whenever he wants. Or could this all somehow backfire against me? If I contact her anonymously, and it is all untrue, then everything should just fall flat, right? But if it is true, what is the worst that could happen?


I'm having trouble reasoning this and going with my intuition because every time I am ready to hit send on an anonymous email to her, I am filled with anxiety, and it is hard for me to figure if this is anxiety over this being a bad idea, or just the social anxiety of standing up for myself and reaching out to this stranger with a huge bombshell.


I would appreciate any advice you guys could give me, and I would also welcome any Christian views on what I am contemplating doing, because I strongly want to do what's right.

 

[amy88]

It's a tough one - because if there's no concrete proof and you go making accusations or lashing out then you could be seen as the one jeopardizing your relationship.


I would firstly ask you a few questions - with the coincidences, how did you find out that it was this particular person? How is she connected to your husband (for example do they work together?)


Is there anyone else that maybe would have seen them together that you could enquire about their alleged relationship from?


I think it's important to always tread carefully if you're not 100% sure. But it's also important to listen to those gut instincts that people have.

 

[Corzhens]

Gee, I don't want this to happen to me because for sure I would break down. The mere fact that my husband would have a mistress, oh, that is not acceptable to me. However, I have a different opinion when it comes to confronting people particularly the mistress of my husband. Most probably, I will not meet with that woman and would just talk to my husband to sort out the issue. If he would deny then I would take his word for it. At least he already knew about my suspicion. And if he admits then that is another story. It's always me or her, that's the stance I would take. And my husband knows me when it comes to issues like that so I guess he will never do that unfaithfulness unless he is ready to leave me.

 

[solana]

Surrender, I think if something is quietly eating away at you, you might consider confronting it face to face. Because this nagging pain you feel might diminish with time as you and your husband rebuild your relationship, but it's likely that it won't go away completely. In fact, it could be raising its ugly head again at the slightest opportunity when you feel any doubts about your husband.


I can understand why you feel anxious when it comes to contacting your husband's mistress. One part of you doesn't want to hear the possible truth and deal with it, because deep inside yourself you know that things might never be the same again as before. At this stage you might not know if you can accept the truth and live with what has happened. On the other hand, you might be surprised at yourself how well you can handle it, feeling even relieved to finally have some clarity over certain things that have kept you twisting and turning at night. The only way to find out, is to send that message and invite the woman to a coffee. A neutral place will probably greatly aid this difficult conversation.


Whatever you decide to do, try to focus on your inner strength and on finding solutions rather than going over the same emotions again and again.


Take good care of yourself!

 

[Alex]

This is a difficult situation and you have already confronted him. I once tested an ex who I thought was cheating on me, or had someone else and I was right, but I had a friend who did the 'work' for me. I think you are too close and emotional and I think it best you confide in a good friend and see if they see the same things from your evidence.It maybe that your husband has ignored her advances?


Getting peace of mind can be hard, because you will still doubt whether the girl is lying, how do you know if she will tell you the truth? I do think you should focus on the future though and build up trust with your husband, because it will destroy your relationship and also your sanity. Don't be a stalker, but I ask a friend for their opinion and don't email in haste . If he is in counseling, maybe you can suggest a session together and bring it up with a neutral party?

 

[NormaD]

I feel it's always good to know the truth, but I would suggest you go about finding it out in a more 'sane' way. Don't stalk the girl, ask her straight out. This always works out for the best in the end. Don't play mind games with people, especially those who don't care about you and your wellbeing. You will only hurt yourself in the process. I know the feeling that you are going through, as I was there myself once. Finding out the truth certainly helped me start to heal and put my life back together again.

 

[sidney]

I would go for the "stalking" and "confrontation" advice. Do you have your own car? Do you have time to follow him? You do need concrete evidence like photos or videos, so how are you gonna acquire them if you don't follow him? I know some people go as far as hiring private investigators for this kind of thing, so if you can afford it, then do so, since he can stand close to your husband for his surveillance purposes and film him without him suspecting a thing. Then when you do have evidence, then rub it on both of your husband and mistress' faces! You can even post it in the wall of the mistress' Facebook in you're inclined to humiliate her and put some derogatory and nasty captions on it. hehe. 


The anxiety that you are feeling is quite normal since you still don't have any evidence of their affair, but I assume that once you do, that anxiety will be replaced by wrath! Or relief if your hubby isn't doing anything wrong. You go girl! Confront them both once you have evidence, like try to follow them and catch them together and bring your photos with you for maximum incrimination! 

 

[Sue]

I have been in your situation so I know what you are going through. I became so obsessed with it that I was miserable and the anxiety was terrible. Every time I would confront him he would deny it but he wasn't near of a good liar as he thought he was. I knew something wasn't right. I didn't confront the other woman but I kept an eye opened and I did get proof. I found messages on his phone and one time he left his FB opened and there were messages there that confirmed things. He still denied it even though I had proof. The other woman actually contacted me. She even called my house one day and I answered the phone. I have never felt so hurt and so betrayed. Of course he was telling her how miserable he was and how much he loved her, etc. It was an ex of his. I wouldn't confront her but I would definitely keep an eye opened. Chances are if you think he is cheating he is!

 

[Roscas]

This is hard. I will not pretend to know the gravity of what you are going through. Will you feel better if you confront the 'mistress'? Will it give you peace of mind? Will it stop your husband from cheating? Will it definitively prove he is cheating? Will it heal the mistrust and betrayal you feel that affected your emotional, mental, spiritual, psychological and even physical well-being and stability? More than two coincidences is no longer a coincidence. Your instinct is telling you his denials are lies. Seldom would men admit unless there is hard proof.


It is harder to bear if the feeling of mistrust and doubt lingers because truth evades you. Would you be willing to hold on and give him the benefit of the doubt? It is you who knows him well. If you feel he has cheated you and unable to admit his infidelity, will you still accept him? Are you willing to wait until truth reveals itself? If you were wrong (this is seldom the case for women who instinctively felt their husbands or partners strayed away), would you forgive yourself? Whether he admits it or not, will you forgive him? Will you be able to look him in the eye and say you decided to believe him and what he tells you (I hope you give him a fair and stern warning if you chose this.)? It is only you who can determine what you are capable and able to do and this includes staying in the relationship with your husband or saving yourself from all of it.


Badgering yourself with what you suspect (if you are unable to hire a PI to find the proof you need or debunk what you think) is futile. It is either you admit to yourself that he is not because there is no proof, or you call it quits because you mistrust him, or you proactively get the proof. Talking to the mistress is temporal relief for you, whether she admits it or not. She is not the key to ensure your husband's cheating will stop, if he is cheating. The key is your husband and what you want in the relationship and what you want for yourself. There is mistrust and this eroded your relationship and self-esteem. It exists, There is a need to heal. While you ask yourself these questions, try to find ways to relieve yourself from the stress and agony you feel. Go out and talk to friends. Have a good cup of coffee somewhere alone or with someone. Write everything your mind and heart is feeling. Do a things to do list. Do a pros and cons list. Anything that would help take away the mists or clouds in your mind right now to get clarity back. We are also here to listen.


I will not presume or assume anything on what you must or should decide on. I am in no position to tell you. What I can offer are questions only you can answer.

 

[Surrender]

Thank you all so much for all your replies, I really really appreciate all your support!!


I came to the idea of anonymously emailing her because I just can't get any solid proof. My husband travels for work and this woman is in a city far away. So any hotels, credit card expenses, etc., are all justified for his job, there is no way I can catch him there. Then his phone has a private mode, and I am certain he has a secret gmail account.


He seems to have all his bases covered, my only proof was suspicions, like locking and hiding his phone suddenly for some months, buying new underwear for the first time ever, me finding a hair in his car, him basically treating me horribly when he used to be kind, etc., all stuff he could explain away.


It seems my only hope of this being revealed is from the girl, whom I feel is almost even is cryptically goading me on social media. All her social media has been mirroring everything we've been going through since this all exploded, it is just too much to all be coincidence, but apparently my husband says it's meaningless. He even told me if the girl ever used his full name on social media it didn't mean it was him because he has a common name. He's also told me many times to go ahead and contact her - so I feel like she's prepared for it and is supporting him, waiting for him to come back to her, and her social media reads like this too.


So I thought if I contact her in a way stating she is encroaching on my marriage, she may reveal it to me by having her pride injured, as she seems to be a know-it-all type that thinks she is real wise and good-hearted. But I'm getting the impression the majority of people do not think that is a good idea. Argh!!! I don't want to act like a psycho, but I feel I am almost being forced into that role by having so many suspicions yet being told I am wrong. Why would a man shake, vomit, cry and beg about something that is not true??? Well he told me it was because he was so scared I had a false belief about him, and now that he figured out I have no real proof, he's no longer crying, and he's getting arrogant again. He even told me I'm going to owe him an apology for all this.


So I feel like I have reached the end of options, and now it is like he won, and I just have to believe him, and give him an apology. And I feel that is going in inflate his ego and give him a rush of power that he has gotten away with this, and can go back to what he was doing, or not. But how will I know.

 

[sidney]

The girl did not reply, right? Well if you don't want him having power over you then try getting concrete evidence, so that you will ultimately know if your husband is cheating or not. Talking to the girl won't help, I'm 100% sure the mistress is always in cahoots with the hubby in such situations. They already know that the person is married and they agreed to have a relationship, so for sure they will connive together. Or consult a psychic. (only if you believe in them) It may not give you the evidence that you need, but it can definitely confirm or debunk your suspicions.

 

[Alex]

Not to put a spanner in the works, but you can't be anonymous if you tell her she is intruding on your marriage as she will know it is you? Also consider that her account maybe fake or someone hacked into it as well. Let me tell you from experience that you don't want to look as if you are unhinged and take control.


If you want to do it the right way, tell your husband you need to rebuild trust and that he needs to allow you to have access to all his accounts and phone. If he has nothing to hide then he will do that. How does he know the person, work or otherwise? Can he cut ties with her, and will he?


If you feel the need to email, what can you say? You can pretend to be a friend and say something along the lines of "I'm not sure if you are aware but X is happily married to my friend" but them she will want to know how do you know. Or ask a friend to message her on social media and make it look innocent and say, "Oh you know X who is married to my friend." These are slightly more normal ways to get a message across that he is married if there is any relationship going on. Consider also the girl maybe a stalker and it's all her mind as well.

 

[marwin082769]

I have been an admin of a page which focuses on wives of seafarers and mostly their problem is about their husbands' extra marital affairs with their coworkers onboard a ship where they are working. Some women are suicidal and I feel it is my duty to calm them, to at least make them feel that they are not alone. And mostly, confronting mistresses is not a good plan of action. It could boomerang to you. It would be best for you to gather concrete evidence, like celphone messages, chats and intimate photos of them together before you make some drastic decisions. When you have all these evidences, it would be best to talk to your husband first. He cannot deny it anymore if you have the proof of hin infidelity. Ask him where did you go wrong and what are his plans for your family and his mistress. Then after talking with him, set a date to talk with the mistress. BUT talk to her in a very civilised manner. Tell her to leave your husband alone and let your family live in peace. If your husband loves you and value your family, now that the cat is out of the bag, he will to what's best and that is leaving his mistress behind. It will help a lot for you to pray that your husband will be enlightened. Make him feel and see the value of yor family over that mistress.

 

[Surrender]

Thanks so much for all your replies, I really appreciate it and feel so supported here!!!


Based on everyone's input I decided against emailing her, as I certainly don't want to come off koo-koo. I suppose I just got angry when I realized how arrogant it was of her to posting inspirational messages and proclaiming love for my husband online, while also having the nerve to tell me to buzz off. Not that I can prove any of her messages has to do with my husband, but that is what was killing me, how could her message exactly address what was happening in that moment, etc.


Also it made me nuts that he deleted her from one social media account and then sudden her public one exploded, she started posting every few days on that one with these annoying messages, when prior to deleting her she had rarely posted anything on the public one.


My husband is pretty smart I guess about sneaking around and I don't think I will ever get proof. So for now I am just going to try and let it go and try and focus on our relationship. It is really hard sometimes to put it out of my head, but I don't know what else I can do. Truly I just pray that whatever happened can be exposed in the light, because I do have faith we can rebuild our relationship, but most especially if the truth would come out.

 

[Roscas]

Have faith. Truth will ALWAYS out and usually when you least expect it. Lies and secrets can not be kept and maintained too long. Truth will always try to find its way to get out, with or without your effort. For as long as you are on the right, the truth will be on your side.

 

[kgord]

Yes I agree with Marwin. I think it is best to gather evidence either on your own or with the help of a friend or detective and then confront your husband again. However, I think you already know the truth, his vomiting and crying is not a usual reaction. I think you need to gather as much evidence as possible and then confront him again. You don't know whether or not the mistress would lie anyway. I would tell him his relationship with so and so is making you very uncomfortable, and tell him how it is making you feel, if he is persisting with this, I think you need to decide is this the life you want to live?

 

[sidney]

True, she seems to have given up on hunting for evidence, so if the decides not to pursue any evidence and just wait for the secret to reveal itself then she will just be taken as a fool by those 2. And that's not good! Her pride is at stake! So she needs to gather evidence, at least for the sake of her peace of mind and pride!

 

[Alex]

Gathering evidence is one thing, but can cause more stress and people can do irrational things under the circumstances. I do feel it's better that a friend do it because they will still have a motive, but won't get emotional at the time. There is also this thing called the law, and you have to be careful not to break it and if caught that would be worse as charges could be pressed. You can't legally harass or stalk someone and if you email them and then follow them in real life they can press charges if you threaten them.


Perhaps there was something and now it's over? All I would say is stop and think; if you can't trust your husband now, it doesn't make your relationship any stronger but weakens it. Maybe couples counseling will help find closure on this, or the therapist will suggest ways he can prove there is nothing going on?

 

[Surrender]

Perhaps there was something and now it's over? All I would say is stop and think; if you can't trust your husband now, it doesn't make your relationship any stronger but weakens it. Maybe couples counseling will help find closure on this, or the therapist will suggest ways he can prove there is nothing going on?

I don't know what to do. At this point I feel there was something there, probably going on for at least 6 months, but since I accused him and this all blew up, i think they are either on a break or broken up, hard to tell. Because now I think this "break" between them is what is giving my husband the confidence to tell me that I am wrong about all this, and giving him a right to feel angry with me if I continue to bring it up. Which is why I also thought to contact her, because I can't bring it up with him anymore, having no proof.


It is true this has absolutely weakened our relationship going forward, when I was hoping for the truth to come out and strengthen it. As I said he was vomitting, shaking, on his knees crying, and I truly think he is/was ashamed of himself, but now is back in denial and talked himself back into having done nothing wrong.


He actually put himself in counseling too, but I don't know what happened there, because when he was done with it he had sort of morphed back into arrogant jerk again, instead of coming out more humble, like he was years ago. But now about 8 weeks after this all exploding, he is trying to act like nothing happened and appears to be trying to put some effort into us moving forward.


It was like contacting her was my last thought and hope of how to bring this to light before more and more time passes and it is too late, and I just have to live with it at the back of my head for the rest of my life.


@sidney I have no pride left! lol, but for real, it's not hurting my pride at all, it's hurting my heart


Roscas thanks for your words, I really am just praying now the truth come out on it's own

 

[Sue]

As much as you want to hear him admit that he was cheating, he might never do that. Even if you have the evidence and know that he did he will continue to deny that he did any wrong. I would say by his reaction that he is guilty of something. He sounds like he wants to work on the relationship with you so now you have to decide if you can move forward and put all of this behind you. If you don't feel that you can trust him or if you can't forgive then maybe you should consider the alternatives. I know it is hard to do when you love somebody but it also hard to a relationship to grow when the trust is broken and your heart is broken. Can you ever feel the way you once did for him? You can forgive him for your peace of mind but you don't have to forget. It will always be there but you may never know the entire truth. You can contact her but she may also deny it or she may tell you what you need to hear. I wish you all the best on this one. Being cheated on is one of the worse betrayals and it is not an easy thing to get past.