Worried about major life changes

[Toasthead]

Some really incredible things have happened to me this past week, I got offered a full time job, with health care and a 401k and at a much higher wage than anyone else doing the same job for them. I don’t know how I did, I barely tried honestly, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted it because the job listing said it paid less than my current job per hour and I felt my time was worth more than that, but it turns out all I had to do was haggle a bit and I’m only taking a $0.50 decrease in my hourly wage by taking the job, but I’ll be getting a consistent 30-45hours a week as apposed to my current job giving me anywhere from 3-25 hours a week (yeah it’s that inconsistent I feel like a day laborer). I really liked my current job, but it was an offer I couldn’t refuse honestly. I finished submitting my new hire paperwork today and I actually did it all first thing today instead of my usual of putting it off until later. I know that sounds like no biggie, but that’s a huge step for me.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I’ve lost 14 pounds since I started keto. I feel great and I’m much more focused and confident. I’ve been working really hard to stick with my diet and it really shows. I feel like a new man and it feels super weird to be this positive and happy all the time so it’s like my brain is constantly trying to find some way to make me feel bad again.

The biggest change though is that I think I might be seriously looking at moving out with my best friend and his girlfriend. We came up with the idea last night. My friend figured that I’m looking to move out, his girlfriend wants to move out, and he wants to move in with her so we figured why not live together and split the rent? I mean we all get along relatively well. I practically lived with Brenden during quarantine when we had no jobs and nothing better to do than smoke weed and play video games so why not? We looked at some listings and the first place I looked at was perfect none of the other ones even compare, it’s a super nice 2 bed 2 bath apartment that was built only 2 years ago and it comes with a ton of amenities, and it’s well within our budget. If all goes well we could all be moved out in June. It’s a huge step up and it could be a serious stepping stone in each of our lives.

I’m so excited for all these changes, but at the same time I’m really scared. My friend and I are both growing up and becoming responsible. He’s gonna stop smoking weed per his girlfriend’s wishes which I respect, I’m gonna have health insurance, I mean just holy crap I wasn’t expecting things to get so serious in our lives this quickly. I know this change is necessary, but I’m terrified, I’m afraid that things won’t be as good as they used to, we won’t be as free or have as much fun, I know it happens eventually, but I just thought we had more time.

Even if we end up moving in together, which still isn’t set in stone our full time jobs mean my friend and I won’t get to hang out as much, at least for a while. And again I know it’s necessary, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. I’m gonna try to use this time by myself to write some screenplays, work on my comedy routine and try to branch out more so my that my best friend isn’t my only friend. I’ve been playing the new COD in my spare time, I’m hoping I’ll meet some online friends that like playing that stuff with me, my best bud’s not as into it as I am. I know it’s not the best way to make friends, but that’s really my only option until my open mic bar opens up again, I’d go to another bar, but I don’t really drink anymore so it’d just be sipping a water all night and talking to drunk people while I roll a joint, which honestly doesn’t sound that bad now that I think about it.

It just feels so weird to feel so crappy about good things and at the same time feel excited about it. I don’t even know how to define the emotion. They say people recovering from depression often miss feeling depressed, because they’ve been depressed for so long they feel it defines them and feeling crappy all the time is their comfort zone. I wonder if maybe what I’m feeling is similar to that. I’m changing for the better and there’s a part of me that doesn’t want it, and would rather go back to feeling depressed and anxious all the time so people feel sorry for me and I hate that so much. I don’t ever want to be the person I was again, but that part of me just won’t stop putting down every one of my accomplishments and making me feel like I can’t do anything right, even though I’ve more than proven myself.

I’ve come a long way, but my demons just keep trying to drag me down to darker places where they can survive and my spirit can’t. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it just sucks that I finally get the biggest break of my entire life and my anxiety just won’t let me enjoy it. I just feel like an imposter that doesn’t deserve to be happy even though I know it’s not true.

I’m curious if anyone else relates to this feeling, my friend is really understanding, but I don’t think he gets the full scope of this. I just want to know I’m not alone, that this is normal, that I’m not just making this up in my head or crazy. I guess that’s always my reason for posting here. I just don’t want to feel like I’m alone in this.


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[cheer_mom]

I tend to do the same thing. Whenever something good happens, I start to try to find negatives. Try to allow yourself to be excited. Everytime you have a negative thought, say a positive thing about this new step. It helps me.

 

[Toasthead]

I tend to do the same thing. Whenever something good happens, I start to try to find negatives. Try to allow yourself to be excited. Everytime you have a negative thought, say a positive thing about this new step. It helps me.

I usually end up doing that, whenever I start thinking about having less free time or not being able to hang out with my friend as much right now I try to think about how awesome it’ll be to live together. How we could barbecue on weekends and play video games together whenever we’re both home and feel like it. I do get a little bogged down by just the stress of knowing I have to learn how to do an entirely new job next week that may or may not be harder than my current one. I’m primarily worried about my new job more than anything even though so far that’s the one thing I shouldn’t worry about because it’s relatively certain, the odds of these guys just being like “sike!” on my first day or something are pretty small, they wouldn’t have offered me the job or insisted I start as soon as possible if they didn’t want me or didn’t think I could do the job. So why do I feel like my new manager is gonna call me this weekend and tell me to hit the bricks because I filled something out incorrectly on my new hire paperwork or something? I am just terrified of all the responsibilities I’m going to have soon. I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up and something will go wrong.

On the bright side I actually spent most of today reading on the porch, playing with my dog, and grilling burgers. I had a really nice fulfilling Saturday. Normally I would’ve played video games or forced myself to get into a show just so I wouldn’t be bored, but instead I embraced the boredom and did something constructive and read a book. Who even am I anymore? Seriously it’s like I’m a completely different person! I swear in a week I’ll be doing yoga on the front lawn while drinking bone broth, I’m really not used to thinking this way!


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[cheer_mom]

Sounds like you are embracing your new adulthood!! Keep up the good work and enjoy this next step!! Keep us posted.

 

[cheer_mom]

How are you doing?

 

[Toasthead]

How are you doing?

Not great I’ll be honest, started my new job today and it’s honestly pretty straightforward and easy it’s mostly just driving. I have no reason to feel this way, but I’m angry, not at any one person or thing I literally can’t accurately point out what I’m upset about, but I’m upset. I feel like someone’s wronged me, but no one’s done anything, the one person I can think of that I’m angry at doesn’t deserve it honestly which may be part of the problem. I thought I was cool with this, but I think I still harbor negative feelings towards my friend’s girlfriend. I feel bad because she’s been cool for the most part, but something about her just bothers me. Like his entire romantic relationship with this girl has been exclusively online yet all of a sudden he wants to marry her when she moves in because that’s something they were both taught growing up, cus Jesus I guess idk. What also bothers me is the fact that he made it a point from the start of the relationship that he smokes weed and she needed to be ok with that now he quits immediately when she turns on a dime and decides randomly she’s not ok with it, I’ll be honest if a girl ever told me to quit smoking weed I’d tell her to get out (the car, the house whatever) and then I’d leave her, because weed has been proven time and again to do no harm if anything it actually heals like it literally inhibits cancer cell growth, so for his gf to be ok with him drinking which kills thousands of people every year, but not okay with him smoking weed which has killed no one is ridiculous. My friend literally said he would drink more because he can’t smoke weed, my friend will die sooner because his gf can’t get over herself. I know this seems stupid to most people, but there’s so much evidence that cannabis is harmless that at this point ignorance is a choice and it actually makes me angry when I here people apply these double standards. I think all this anger is partially due to the fact that she reminds me of the preppy girls from my private Christian middle school that would go on for hours about their walk with God and the Lord’s grace, and “do unto others” and blah blah blah then pick on me for being socially awkward and not having any friends all in the name of Jesus. I can smell that judgmental hypocrisy on her from across the country and I hate it.

I feel like she’s stealing my friend away and it makes me jealous if I’m being honest, and that’s probably why I’ve come up with all these reasons to hate her even though she’s done nothing wrong and I have no right to express these feelings. I feel awful for thinking this way, but I can’t help it. I rarely get to talk to or see my best friend anymore and when I do he’s on his phone the whole time texting her or he leaves every other hour to call her. Like she can’t leave him alone for one day? I’ve felt like I lost my friend for the past week, I even feel awkward messaging him like we’re no longer that close even tho he hasn’t done anything to indicate that. I’ve been trying to make new friends through online gaming, but I’m too shy to turn on my mic. I feel lonely and depressed and I hate that all this change is necessary and I’m too responsible now to throw it all away just so I can smoke grass and goof off with my buddy.

I know all this makes me sound like a selfish jerk, but it’s how I feel, I’ve been going through a lot of complex emotions this past week and it’s been hard keeping a lid on all of it so I don’t hinder my friend’s progress or get between him and his girlfriend. It wouldn’t be fair or sensible to say any of this to either of them. So I’ve been avoiding them both so I don’t blow up on them. It’s a huge relief to let it out here in all honesty.


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[cheer_mom]

I'm sorry you haven't been doing well. Maybe things will get better once she moves in. Honestly, they may see a different side of each other once they are together in person especially if she is asking him to change for her. I agree it may not be the best time to say something to them so feel free to continue to vent. We are here to help.

 

[Cuchculan]

Looks like you are thinking you won't have a friend for much longer. that this new girl is shaping him up in such a way to it will get in the way of your friendship. In a sense it is like you are putting yourself in his shoes. Thinking if this was me I would not put up with that. That you would do things in a different way. Probably hoping your friend finally has enough of her and her demands and he says all the things you are really thinking. Which will probably not happen. On the flip side of the coin it takes for them to live together to see the real people they both are. This can change things in some relationships. Just some small things that annoy either one or the other. You only find out about them once you do live together. Have been there before. Getting on great with a person. Until we tried living together. Then it all fell apart. Is the whole cost of living too. Bills to pay. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning up. Be surprised what can set a person off. None of this will be known until they live together. It will either work out great or fail badly. Just leave them to it for now. Just so, if anything does go wrong, they can't blame you on it.

 

[Toasthead]

Looks like you are thinking you won't have a friend for much longer. that this new girl is shaping him up in such a way to it will get in the way of your friendship. In a sense it is like you are putting yourself in his shoes. Thinking if this was me I would not put up with that. That you would do things in a different way. Probably hoping your friend finally has enough of her and her demands and he says all the things you are really thinking. Which will probably not happen. On the flip side of the coin it takes for them to live together to see the real people they both are. This can change things in some relationships. Just some small things that annoy either one or the other. You only find out about them once you do live together. Have been there before. Getting on great with a person. Until we tried living together. Then it all fell apart. Is the whole cost of living too. Bills to pay. Shopping. Cooking. Cleaning up. Be surprised what can set a person off. None of this will be known until they live together. It will either work out great or fail badly. Just leave them to it for now. Just so, if anything does go wrong, they can't blame you on it.

I think I wouldn’t be as worried for him if he gave himself any room for failure, but he literally told me that if you make divorce an option you’ll end up getting divorced. So in other words if he marries this girl and she turns out to be a nightmare he’s gonna stay with her through thick and thin no matter how miserable they make each other. He goes “well just look at my parents they’ve stayed together throughout all these years despite everything.” I’m like oh you mean your parents, the most incompatible codependent couple I’ve ever met, a relationship that your narcissistic mother constantly abuses to treat your dad like crap? You mean how she cheated on him and they almost got divorced?

He believes in the sanctity of marriage and I do too that’s why I believe you should wait until you’ve known the person a while before taking that leap and potentially making yourselves miserable. It’s stupid to get married at 20 to a girl you’ve only had an online relationship with. It’s even stupider to get married to that girl and then not give yourself the option of divorce. When I brought up why it’s a better idea to live with someone first before marrying them he started morally grand standing like “oh well I was taught that that’s how relationships fail” and he went on about how immoral divorce was. Like dude my great grandmother was constantly abused by her husband during a time when divorce was frowned upon and people thought you should stick by your man even when he beats you with a stick. When he hit her daughter she had enough and left him, then when on to become a successful business owner that carved her own path through life. This idea that divorce should never be an option is ignorant and frankly insulting to me. His attitude of “well they should’ve been stronger” is narrow minded and will probably end up hurting them in the end. I just hate to see my friend potentially ruin his life like that.


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[Toasthead]

I'm sorry you haven't been doing well. Maybe things will get better once she moves in. Honestly, they may see a different side of each other once they are together in person especially if she is asking him to change for her. I agree it may not be the best time to say something to them so feel free to continue to vent. We are here to help.

I just feel angry at both of them over a sadness that isn’t their fault and it tears me up inside. Like every time I get a message from him my first reaction is “screw you!” And I hate that. I don’t like being angry with my best friend for no good reason. If he wants to be with her it’s on him, he’s done nothing to wrong me personally and neither has his girlfriend. I know and understand this, yet I feel upset over the whole ordeal. I can’t even fully explain what I feel. It’s this hodgepodge of emotions that make me want to scream and spend the day in bed at the same time. It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder if I’m meant to be alone, like what if I’m just a toxic person that should just stay away from normal people. I hurt everyone I get close to at some point and they either leave or hurt me back then leave. Maybe I’m just meant to be a sad loner, no matter how hard I try I always end up hurting the people I care about with my own fears. So maybe I’m just going against fate by having anyone really close to me. I know that’s not true, but these are just some of the many thoughts that have been swirling around in my head.


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[Cuchculan]

I would imagine in one sense that you are worried for him. Because you care about him. That things might fall apart for him and he will be hurt if this does happen. But that is a gamble he is willing to take. You can still be there for him. As a friend. He has his own views on life and love. Which are not how you see things. For now you have to accept and respect his views. That might mean not seen him as much. Which probably hurts you even more. That you might be brushed aside like this at times for this new girlfriend. Just see were it all goes for him. Nothing says it will work out as they have planned. Only time can answer that one.

 

[Toasthead]

Well it’s official, they’re getting married on the 23rd, why can’t I just be happy about it? Why can’t I just let stupid things go and just be happy that my friend is getting married regardless of who it’s to or how things are gonna be afterwards? She’s moving in with him into his parents house next weekend and marrying her soon after. They’ve been dating less than a year and next week will be their first time physically together as a couple. I’m not crazy to be worried for him, but to be as worried as I am is ridiculous. I hate that I’m this way, when you have anxiety you have to constantly go against your own gut instincts constantly just so you don’t miss out on opportunities or hurt the people you care about. I just want to tell my buddy not to go through with it, to tell him to wait on it or break up with her so it’d be him and I against the world again. I want to go back to when we used to hang out and split a joint while watching movies and playing whatever game’s we could find on sale. Things changed so fast and I feel like I’m lagging behind as always.

In a couple weeks he’ll have bigger fish to fry than making plans to hang. He won’t want to do anything fun. Oh and turns out his girl wants a place to themselves so us all moving in together is probably not gonna happen at least not for a while. So there’s no going back to how things used to be and chances are I’ll hardly ever get to see him. I really hope things will get better. I’m usually happy about these kinds of changes. When I took a full time traveling job a while back I was nervous and pretty sad about not not being able to see my friends and family for days at a time, but it was never this bad and it was mostly home sickness. Now it’s like I’m legitimately afraid I’ll never see my friend again even though I’m literally gonna hang out with him tomorrow. Why do I feel like somehow we’ll never see each other or that we’ll grow apart? Why does my mind only deal in absolutes? It feels weird for me to be aware of an irrational emotion and not be able to get it under control. There’s no reason for me to worry about any of this it’s stupid, but it’s like I can’t help it. I hate that I’m like this. I just want to be happy for my friend, but I just feel depressed.


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[cheer_mom]

I think you can tell your friend about your concerns, but also let him know that you wish him the best. If you tell him you want him to break up so it can be just the two of you, he won't listen to your valid points. Its scary to think he is going to marry a girl he has never met in person in a few weeks. How do his parents feel about this situation?

 

[Toasthead]

I think you can tell your friend about your concerns, but also let him know that you wish him the best. If you tell him you want him to break up so it can be just the two of you, he won't listen to your valid points. Its scary to think he is going to marry a girl he has never met in person in a few weeks. How do his parents feel about this situation?

I’m sure his parents are thrilled about it they’ve been saying he should marry her. The thing is his entire family kinda has a history of being hopeless romantics that get married way too young only to realize it was a mistake shortly after. They make each other miserable for years until they get used to each other’s bull crap. All this because they don’t believe in divorce and believe you should get married before living together. It’s a recipe for bad relationships and my friend’s playing right into it like it’s no big deal. The dude wanted to be a musician and now sounds like he just wants to be a construction worker the rest of his life married to a mistake. I honestly don’t really want them to break up, they seem good for each other, at least for the time being. I just think it’d be a better idea for him to wait it out a bit and think this through instead of jumping right into marriage because he’s in love with the idea of being in love. I almost made the same mistake with my ex by trying to move in together before we were ready and I even considered marrying her and she turned out to be a completely different person, we didn’t even last a year. Like my buddy’s relationship is younger than my last one was before she left me and turned out to be someone I should never have dated in the first place. Everyone thinks the person they’re with is the one they’re gonna marry deep down, but our judgment can be clouded when we’re in love.

I was exaggerating when I said I wanted them to break up, I really just want them to be happy and I don’t think marriage this soon is going to be good for them this early on. I mean I’ll support him no matter what, but I’m not gonna pretend that it’s at all a good idea. I mean in truth I think it’s one of the absolute stupidest ideas he’s ever had even worse than the time he dropped a poem off at his ex’s work when he wanted to get back together with her. I mean her boss straight up thought he was a stocker or something. She wasn’t even there! I still give em s*** for it. But in all seriousness I don’t think my friend understand’s the gravity of his decision. I mean I hope it all turns out fine in the end and she really is the one he’s meant to be with, but hasn’t been with her long enough to possibly know that with any amount of certainty whatsoever. It’s a huge leap of faith. Like imagine I told you that if you jump off this cliff you have a 50/50 shot of landing on either soft pillows and a million dollar check or a 10 foot metal pike aimed straight at your ball bag. That’s basically the kinda leap my friend is taking without even asking about the odds first. He is completely ok with potentially ruining his life. And no matter what I have to stand there and watch it happen because I care about him and I want to support him.

You know now that I’m joking about it I feel much better about the situation. Is that possibly the key to me feeling better? What if laughing about my situation instead of crying about it is how I beat this? Because I legitimately feel better now.


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[cheer_mom]

So glad you feel better. Yes, when you have no control over something just laugh and feel good

 

[Toasthead]

So glad you feel better. Yes, when you have no control over something just laugh and feel good

I told my buddy I’d support him no matter what, he’s not stupid I know he can tell I think it’s a bad idea. He knows why I think it’s a bad idea and I’m sure he’ll hear it from plenty of other people that it’s a bad idea, he doesn’t need to hear it from me. It’s not like I can say anything to him that’d change his mind and even if I did I’d never forgive myself because I’d be responsible for calling off a marriage between my best friend and the girl he loves. I guess my point is that he’s probably gonna do this regardless of what I say, he probably already knows the risks and doesn’t care. Everyone is probably going to tell this guy that he’s ruining his life, he needs somebody to support him and respect his decision.


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[Toasthead]

So today I ended up hanging out with my friend and his buddies from church/work. It was a lot of fun, I got talking with them and they’re really cool people. I think I might end up expanding my friend network through them and I think I might end up working out with my friend’s boss soon if you can believe it. Apparently he’s a really cool guy and a huge fitness nut and he and the guy we hung out with today work out together at planet fitness and they’re always looking for more gym buddies. I was already thinking about getting a gym membership, maybe it’ll be a good way to meet new people and who knows I might even meet some girls. I’ve lost a ton of weight recently and I’ll be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if I got a few more stares than usual . My friend said that if I start going he’ll come with me too. I think this might’ve been exactly what I needed. I could soon have more things to do than sit around the house when my friend is busy. Just socialize with some good people today helped me feel a lot better. Like I feel like my normal self today, and after work tomorrow I might end up hanging out with my friend again for a bit to play some zombies.

I feel like I’m seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. I lost faith that there would ever be one and I think that’s why I fell so far for a bit. My friend is getting married and that mean I won’t get to see him as often, I simply won’t be as big of a priority in his life and that’s ok. I want him to be happy, and that means growing up a bit and focusing on new priorities. It also means that I need to use this time to break away a bit too and find new friends and hobbies to occupy my time and maybe even a love of my own. I need to have a life outside of work beyond just sitting around all day doing nothing. I need to build up a better circle and live my best life otherwise I’ll rot here. I’m excited to start this new chapter of my life, I thought my friend was leaving me behind, but we’re just branching out together, we’re growing up. I’m no longer afraid of what’s to come because I know my best friend will always have my back and that together we’ll never stop moving forward.


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[ThankfulJen]

Reading this was so uplifting! I've been reading your thread, just never had the right words. But this. This is big and wonderful and I am so happy for you!!! Sounds like things are looking up and life is looking good! I wish nothing but the best for you!!

 

[Toasthead]

Reading this was so uplifting! I've been reading your thread, just never had the right words. But this. This is big and wonderful and I am so happy for you!!! Sounds like things are looking up and life is looking good! I wish nothing but the best for you!!

Thanks! I really appreciate the support! I had a bit of rough day at work, pulled a 10 hour shift and was told to do an even longer route tomorrow and finish by 3pm. So funnnnnn! But I’m not that upset about it, I’m honestly just happy to be working as frustrating as things were today. I got a bit dehydrated on the way home and I’m feeling a bit sick to my stomach, but mentally I’m fine. I was singing along to punk rock, metal, and big band jazz on the way home almost fried my voice . But all I was thinking about was what I should get for my friend’s wedding present. I thought about my concerns too, but it’s weird, I’m super happy for him and wish him the best, but the same time I have a very realistic understanding of how bad this could potentially turn out. I mean I’m not gonna lie, I’ve teetering back and forth on whether or not I should talk to him about this and make sure he understands the gravity of this decision, but at the same time I really don’t want to be the guy that tried to talk the groom into calling off the wedding. I’d most likely fail to do anything other than make him mad at me and even if I succeeded I’d forever be remembered by his friends and family as the guy that ruined the wedding. It puts me in a tough spot as his friend, it’s hard to support someone and lookout for them at the same time.


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[ThankfulJen]

got a bit dehydrated on the way home and I’m feeling a bit sick to my stomach, but mentally I’m fine. I was singing along to punk rock, metal, and big band jazz on the way home almost fried my voice

I'm sorry you were feeling sick and RIGHT ON with belting out to the music! Some of the BEST self care I can think of!!!

thought about my concerns too, but it’s weird, I’m super happy for him and wish him the best, but the same time I have a very realistic understanding of how bad this could potentially turn out. I mean I’m not gonna lie, I’ve teetering back and forth on whether or not I should talk to him about this and make sure he understands the gravity of this decision, but at the same time I really don’t want to be the guy that tried to talk the groom into calling off the wedding. I’d most likely fail to do anything other than make him mad at me and even if I succeeded I’d forever be remembered by his friends and family as the guy that ruined the wedding. It puts me in a tough spot as his friend, it’s hard to support someone and lookout for them at the same time.

It isn't weird at all. I know exactly how you feel and I know I have made some crazy choices that my loved ones tried to talk me out of as well. It is hard when you genuinely care for and love someone and you just want the best for them. But you see them doing what could be detrimental to them in the long wrong. Take it from me. The best thing you can do is continue to be supportive to your friend. And if or when it all goes south, be the rock they know they can lean on. In these situations, many times that is the best we can do! It's really good to see you enjoying yourself, even with the concern and worry for your friend. So happy for you!