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Reqcurring ibsessive thoughts (ptsd?) from years of bad behavior causing depression/anxiety.

Joined
Aug 10, 2018
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#1
I’m trying to balance out my mind cuz I’m getting really tired of thinking things that I dont want to think and seeming to have no control over what thoughts pop into my head. The initial thought isn’t depressing but the constant obsession and unwelcomed string of thoughts is getting really frustrating.

A glimpse into my mind: along with battling depression and anxiety, i have spent 10+ years using pornography to medicate my problems and it progressively got darker and kinkier as the years went on. So now I’m left with thousands of sexual fantasy memories and mental images which pop up randomly throughout the day... this is one of the noisiest group of thoughts that I wish would just go away. I’m getting really tired of them. I won’t go into detail here ( unless someone wants me to) about what these thoughts are, but for now I’ll say they aren’t inline with my current sexual ideal and it’s really tiring to want to be someone different and my thoughts just won’t agree.

The problem with all of this is it’s really weighing me down because I am constantly being bombarded with thoughts that I don’t want to think. And wish I didn’t think, because I want to be a person who didnt experience what I’ve seen, but I can’t unsee it. It’s really stressful and it is adding a layer of focus and energy towards this all, which I wish I didn’t need to do. It’s like I have all sorts of stuff I need to focus on (chores, errands, work, CBT, etc...) but ontop of that I also have to deal with these thoughts flying around randomly, where others don’t... it’s becoming overwhelming.
what can I do about this??? It’s really causing me stress and unhappiness...

I know an option is to accept them and not fight the thoughts, but it’s not healthy I think. For example imagine someone who saw a murder. I don’t believe the answer is “accept the recurring thoughts you see all day and in your dreams.” I might be dealing with PTSD from all this and I just want these images to go away!

For me, I have about 3-5 nights a week where I have disturbing sexual dreams. And every day at least once per day I have random images from the last pop into my head. Various things will trigger this, such as a person, a color, certain clothing, a conversation etc...

And I could be sitting at work enjoying myself and the conversation then boom! All of a sudden a flood of images of memories pop into my head and I’m sitting there surrounded by unwanted dark fetish memories.

I’m getting really overwhelmed with this and really really want them to go away!
 
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