When the psychologist I see for my GAD asked me if I was depressed, I told him I wasn't. I think I misunderstood what depression was. I pictured somebody who was constantly gloomy, unable to get out of bed, and didn't find joy in anything. I didn't see myself that way at the time, but I more recently realized that I have been very irritable, tired, negative, highly critical of my past and present self - and basically giving up and resigning myself to living through what felt like a failed existence. I "ghosted" through my errands around town, feeling like it was best to limit my interactions with others to the barest necessity. I entertained myself with thoughts of relocating and starting a new, solitary, low-key life someplace like a trailer park.
Two things got me to start climbing out of this. First, my son made a comment about me being depressed, and I think that's why he has been distant recently. Second, it occurred to me that I'm no longer young enough to let time slip by. So I decided to restart my pursuit of two goals that have roots deep in my happier days. After not going to the gym for several months, I start going today. I found a new workout plan that is a nice change from the old workout I had been doing for too long. I was feeling a little better after the workout, but knew it was just a first step out of this depression. I wasn't out of the woods. Later today, I decided to rekindle a hobby that I had let slip away for too long. It was fun being back at the shop, until in a moment of thoughtlessness I overlooked some basic shop instructions and embarrassed myself. It's not like I put anybody in danger, but must have looked thoughtless or maybe even rude for a minute. I apologized when I realized my mistake, but was still embarrassed. For a few minutes, I was thinking I'd never go back to that shop and instead drive the extra distance to the next nearest place. I might start doing that more often for other reasons, but banning myself from the first shop isn't going to help my depression. I'll just be more careful, but in the meantime I'm happy that I restarted two important activities today. And, yes, I am going to schedule an appointment with my psychologist about the depression. Now that I recognize it and know what it feels like, I know that it's more complicated than just "snapping out of it" or "thinking happy thoughts." Depression is serious.
Two things got me to start climbing out of this. First, my son made a comment about me being depressed, and I think that's why he has been distant recently. Second, it occurred to me that I'm no longer young enough to let time slip by. So I decided to restart my pursuit of two goals that have roots deep in my happier days. After not going to the gym for several months, I start going today. I found a new workout plan that is a nice change from the old workout I had been doing for too long. I was feeling a little better after the workout, but knew it was just a first step out of this depression. I wasn't out of the woods. Later today, I decided to rekindle a hobby that I had let slip away for too long. It was fun being back at the shop, until in a moment of thoughtlessness I overlooked some basic shop instructions and embarrassed myself. It's not like I put anybody in danger, but must have looked thoughtless or maybe even rude for a minute. I apologized when I realized my mistake, but was still embarrassed. For a few minutes, I was thinking I'd never go back to that shop and instead drive the extra distance to the next nearest place. I might start doing that more often for other reasons, but banning myself from the first shop isn't going to help my depression. I'll just be more careful, but in the meantime I'm happy that I restarted two important activities today. And, yes, I am going to schedule an appointment with my psychologist about the depression. Now that I recognize it and know what it feels like, I know that it's more complicated than just "snapping out of it" or "thinking happy thoughts." Depression is serious.
