No direction

[Howlingvapor]

I’m out of school now, taking a semester off to find another job and make enough money to move away to finish my degree at a university in another town. I’ll be honest though that’s just the plan for now, I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I have no drive anymore. I was doing stand up for a bit and I was actually pretty good at it, but every time open mic night comes up now I make excuses as to why I can’t go. I need a creative outlet to feel satisfied, but I don’t have the drive to put myself out there sometimes. I have so many directions I could go, but not enough motivation to pursue any of them. I have my current job to give me some kind of structure, but that’s it and it pays so little my dad doesn’t even see it as a real job. I need to start growing up and applying for jobs and be more ambitious, but I have no motivation to do so. I feel lazy and worthless because of that, which only makes me feel more self conscious and less motivated to put myself out there. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about doing some comedy stuff on YouTube so that maybe I’ll have enough consistency and passion in my life to go out and do the things I need to do, but I’m afraid it’s just another way for me to waste time on something that doesn’t matter like my last channel was, a false sense of accomplishment. I’m afraid of failure so I don’t try, I’m afraid of humiliation so I don’t take chances, and I’m afraid of getting comfortable and never moving on in my life so I’m always tense. I feel uncomfortable just existing sometimes. School made me feel at least like I had something on a regular basis that mattered, but now all I have is a dead end job that I get 10 hours a week from if I’m lucky. I’m 21 years old and I feel like a loser, no I am a loser. There’s no excuse for it. I’m basically one or two instances of bad luck away from losing everything at all times and it terrifies me. I literally had a panic attack the other day when the target manager said he wanted to talk to me after my projects were done. I thought he was going to fire me even though I don’t even technically work for target and he doesn’t have the power to do that. It ended up being nothing! I just forgot to put something away that I should have, but I was so paranoid about losing the one thing that gives me any sense of worth or purpose that the mere thought of it was enough to have me shaking during my entire project. I just don’t know what to do or how to motivate myself to do it. I just don’t have enough confidence in myself to strive for better at this point. I’m really scared and I try to push those fears down, but I just can’t anymore.


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[MainerMikeBrown]

HowlingVapor, since you feel so depressed and are unable to motivate yourself, have you considered going on psychiatric medication or, if you're already on medication, seeing your doctor to be put on a new pill?

I think getting on medication can make you feel better so you can get motivated to do what you want to do in life.

 

[Howlingvapor]

I’ve thought about medication, but I’m currently in the process of finding a new doctor so it might be a while before that’ll be an option. My therapist has definitely been recommending it, but I’m a little scared to be honest. From what I’ve read finding the right medication could take years and certain types could make my symptoms worse. However at this point I’m not sure if I have many other viable options. Therapy and meditation have helped me come to terms with a lot of mental demons and psychological trauma, but I still battle with motivation issues. I think I’ll get more serious about finding a new doctor and trying medication, because every time I make progress with my mental health it’s like I reach this ceiling that I just can’t punch through. Kinda like those last 5-10 pounds you need to lose on a diet. When I’ve reached this point in the past I usually give up trying to punch through that ceiling until my mental health degrades again starting the process all over again, but I can’t afford to do that right now. I’m an adult and there are serious consequences for giving up now. Pretty soon I won’t have the comfort and security of my parents to fall back on when I give up. I’m actually seeing my therapist tomorrow and I’m hoping that maybe it’ll give me an extra push to get done what needs to be done and punch through that ceiling.


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[MainerMikeBrown]

HowlingVapor, are their any ways for you to be able to see a doctor sooner so you don't have to wait long?

 

[Bobnnat]

I don't know if this will be of any help, but as I get older and look back on what mattered to me when i was younger, the overwhelming thought I get is that I simply cared too much about everything. I cared too much what people thought of me. Of my appearance. Of whether my boss thought I was a good employee. Whether I was the best parent I could be, etc.

Now, my attitude is (a healthy) "screw it". Why? Because looking back, none of it mattered. It was all a waste of time and energy and a constant source of what proved to be useless fear and worry.

If I had to go back and live those years over, I'd have the attitude that while I would try the best I could (within reason), I wouldn't worry about the what ifs. Would I be homeless if I lost my job, what would my family think of me if I fail, what if I don't end up with a career that I love, etc. It all ends up working out...really. The only concern is to do the best you can do, within reason. Don't over obsess and end up working 18 hour days for example. If you try, you'll succeed and the failures, which will come for certain as they do to all of us, will be ones that you can overcome.

 

[Howlingvapor]

I spoke with my therapist and she had me write down a to do list of reasonable and easily achievable goals so that I can start taking steps toward the bigger picture without being overwhelmed. Things like “build a new resume by such and such date” and “start filling out at least 5 applications a day on my days off before I do anything fun.” I really like that last one because it’s simple enough and structured that it doesn’t intimidate me or make me feel like I need to instantly find a job in month or something. My list focuses on the things I need to do to achieve my goals rather than the goals themselves. And since it’s my own list that I made I feel more compelled to complete it since they are actions I know need to take to get where I want to be. I’ve already crossed something off in fact “get the car smogged.” I had planned to do it anyway, but I had also planned to do it yesterday too so who knows if I would’ve actually gotten it done. I’m hopeful that this will help greatly and I think tonight I’ll call my insurance and get a new doctor.


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