Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum (and any forum) so I honestly dont even know where to begin..
I need help. I dont want to ask for help but my mind is spiraling and I'm afraid if I dont reach out I wont be able to keep it under control.
I am 32 years old, have 2 young boys, married to a supportive husband, have a job I enjoy..all in all, i have many many blessings!
But I cant enjoy any of it. Or I wont allow myself to enjoy any of it. I dont feel like I'm "allowed" to partake in the joy of life. I never feel relaxed even when I have no reason not to. I try to be present...I put my phone down, I stay OFF of facebook, I deleted my instagram app so I wont open it...etc. I still dont feel joy...at least if I do, it's so fleeting that it may as well not been there?
My husband and kids are suffering because of my anxiety and depression. They dont know how to help me and I dont know what I need...so we distance ourselves. We fight. I scream, I cry, I lock myself in the bathroom..sometimes when it is really unbearable i pull my hair out and have scratched my arms so badly i have scars from clawing at myself. I have that feeling of wanting OUT OF MY BODY in those moments and I literally want out of my skin...
I have painted/drawn/been artistic my entire life. I went to school for it, graduated with a bachelor's degree in fine art, have won awards, sold paintings for more than I imagined I could or that anyone would ever pay that for something I made...
But I have quit painting. My passion (so I thought) in life, I'm just giving it up. I havent painted since March..nothing happens when I sit down to do it. No matter how hard I try to set the right atmosphere and get into it, nothing happens. I feel like I forgot everything I know. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm not saying anything with my work anyway. It is such a struggle to carve out the time to do it and then there's the guilt if I do take that time for myself. I guess I feel like it is selfish at this point to continue and I'm broken over it.
The anxiety of everything combined and all of the triggers, paired with the world in general right now, I feel like EVERYTHING is reaching a boiling/tipping point and I dont want to be on this dark side of it anymore.
My husband does his very best to help me and understand me but he gets frustrated when he cant calm me down and I become aggressive to everyone and myself so there is constant tension there between us..and he just doesnt seem to understand the difference between me having a full blown panic attack and me just being sensitive/crazy/angry/irritated etc..
I dont know what to do anymore.
I am new to this forum (and any forum) so I honestly dont even know where to begin..
I need help. I dont want to ask for help but my mind is spiraling and I'm afraid if I dont reach out I wont be able to keep it under control.
I am 32 years old, have 2 young boys, married to a supportive husband, have a job I enjoy..all in all, i have many many blessings!
But I cant enjoy any of it. Or I wont allow myself to enjoy any of it. I dont feel like I'm "allowed" to partake in the joy of life. I never feel relaxed even when I have no reason not to. I try to be present...I put my phone down, I stay OFF of facebook, I deleted my instagram app so I wont open it...etc. I still dont feel joy...at least if I do, it's so fleeting that it may as well not been there?
My husband and kids are suffering because of my anxiety and depression. They dont know how to help me and I dont know what I need...so we distance ourselves. We fight. I scream, I cry, I lock myself in the bathroom..sometimes when it is really unbearable i pull my hair out and have scratched my arms so badly i have scars from clawing at myself. I have that feeling of wanting OUT OF MY BODY in those moments and I literally want out of my skin...
I have painted/drawn/been artistic my entire life. I went to school for it, graduated with a bachelor's degree in fine art, have won awards, sold paintings for more than I imagined I could or that anyone would ever pay that for something I made...
But I have quit painting. My passion (so I thought) in life, I'm just giving it up. I havent painted since March..nothing happens when I sit down to do it. No matter how hard I try to set the right atmosphere and get into it, nothing happens. I feel like I forgot everything I know. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm not saying anything with my work anyway. It is such a struggle to carve out the time to do it and then there's the guilt if I do take that time for myself. I guess I feel like it is selfish at this point to continue and I'm broken over it.
The anxiety of everything combined and all of the triggers, paired with the world in general right now, I feel like EVERYTHING is reaching a boiling/tipping point and I dont want to be on this dark side of it anymore.
My husband does his very best to help me and understand me but he gets frustrated when he cant calm me down and I become aggressive to everyone and myself so there is constant tension there between us..and he just doesnt seem to understand the difference between me having a full blown panic attack and me just being sensitive/crazy/angry/irritated etc..
I dont know what to do anymore.