New here, struggling.

[ReganAM]

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum (and any forum) so I honestly dont even know where to begin..

I need help. I dont want to ask for help but my mind is spiraling and I'm afraid if I dont reach out I wont be able to keep it under control.

I am 32 years old, have 2 young boys, married to a supportive husband, have a job I enjoy..all in all, i have many many blessings!

But I cant enjoy any of it. Or I wont allow myself to enjoy any of it. I dont feel like I'm "allowed" to partake in the joy of life. I never feel relaxed even when I have no reason not to. I try to be present...I put my phone down, I stay OFF of facebook, I deleted my instagram app so I wont open it...etc. I still dont feel joy...at least if I do, it's so fleeting that it may as well not been there?

My husband and kids are suffering because of my anxiety and depression. They dont know how to help me and I dont know what I need...so we distance ourselves. We fight. I scream, I cry, I lock myself in the bathroom..sometimes when it is really unbearable i pull my hair out and have scratched my arms so badly i have scars from clawing at myself. I have that feeling of wanting OUT OF MY BODY in those moments and I literally want out of my skin...

I have painted/drawn/been artistic my entire life. I went to school for it, graduated with a bachelor's degree in fine art, have won awards, sold paintings for more than I imagined I could or that anyone would ever pay that for something I made...

But I have quit painting. My passion (so I thought) in life, I'm just giving it up. I havent painted since March..nothing happens when I sit down to do it. No matter how hard I try to set the right atmosphere and get into it, nothing happens. I feel like I forgot everything I know. I feel like nobody cares and that I'm not saying anything with my work anyway. It is such a struggle to carve out the time to do it and then there's the guilt if I do take that time for myself. I guess I feel like it is selfish at this point to continue and I'm broken over it.

The anxiety of everything combined and all of the triggers, paired with the world in general right now, I feel like EVERYTHING is reaching a boiling/tipping point and I dont want to be on this dark side of it anymore.

My husband does his very best to help me and understand me but he gets frustrated when he cant calm me down and I become aggressive to everyone and myself so there is constant tension there between us..and he just doesnt seem to understand the difference between me having a full blown panic attack and me just being sensitive/crazy/angry/irritated etc..

I dont know what to do anymore.

 

[triceps]

It sounds like some professional help could provide some relief for you. It's great that you've taken the step to reach out here. It's a great group of people with struggles similar to yours. Have you talked with your husband about counseling and/or medication? Welcome and please know you're not alone in all of this.

 

[Squid Jones]

I'd been drawing since I could hold a pen/pencil/whatever, I was pretty good at it, I went to school for it (Art Institute of Los Angeles), and suddenly I just lost all desire to do it. I haven't put any real effort into drawing anything since 2009. Like you, whenever I do attempt to create something nothing happens. And I quickly give up and forget about it. So I relate to what you're saying in regards to your artwork.

One question I have though is why do you feel you're not allowed to enjoy life? You said that's how you feel but I think the more important thing is why you feel that way. Do you know why? If not then I think that's something you need to examine.

 

[SteveMK]

Firsty, smile in the knowledge you are not alone, nor are you in any way abnormal. You are going through a rough patch that you WILL get through, you really will. Reaching out here tells me you're a fighter - you've recognised the problem and now all you need is a way to solve it.
I agree with others that you must seek professional help - Councilling is brilliant, and I recommend you set up an appointment - open yourself up fully to the therapist, it's your chance to share that load. See your doctor and explain what's going on - you may need some meds to help you through. Keep an open mind.

Get your happy hormones up through exercise. You'll be telling yourself you don't want to. You don't have the energy, or the will. Well tough. Even if it's a regular long walk every day - do it. Get the endorfins up and take in your surroundings, be mindful.

Remove negative things from your life - ignore the news, don't use Twitter or other socials, ignore the people in your life who bring negativity. Cleanse negativity from your life. But do bring happiness - watch comedy, catch up with friends who like a good natter, take your boys out to do something fun, and concentrate on their smiles.

Finally, try meditation / hypnosis - I REALLY recommend Mark Bowden hypnosis CDs - there are many. I use the anxiety one, but he does one on 'Increase your happiness'. You'll need to find a time when the house is empty andyou won't be distrubed, and use headphones.

Smile, you know you've got this, and you know it's just a grey time, and it will pass.

Let us know what you did next.

 

[Siphonophorae]

This quarantine IS a terrible time for everyone. I would suggest doing something with your entire family, maybe you will feel less guilty because it’s for your husband and kids too, not just you. And I agree with everyone here: professional help will be... well, helpful. And again, that you so much for asking for help. Everyone here does their best to help you and support you. I have never once regretted joining this forum. It is the best to know that other people out there, even though they’ve never met you, care about you and your struggles!