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My background- any advice

MollyM94

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Joined
Mar 27, 2018
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#1
Hi everyone,
My Names Molly and I’m 23.
I suffer from panic disorder, hypochondria, and just a plain anxiety disorder.I do think my disorder is somewhat genetic because my grandmother had it and my father has prettt bad anxiety as well.
Growing up my dad had epilepsy and had seizures pretty frequently. As a child I would panic EVERYTIME he had one. I remember my hair falling out in the shower and freaking out weeks after each one. I was nervous at school always having panic attacks. Was concerned with my people in my family dying etc. this was up till 4th grade.
Middle school I didn’t have any anxiety.
High school it hit hard.
I was having major panic attacks that I didn’t know were panic attacks. I was having 4-5 a day. Not sleeping not eating. I was eventually after maybe 6 months of this hospitalized for suicidal thoughts due to the panic disorder being so bad .
Another side note is that my mom , although I love her, was very mentally abusive as a child and neglectful of me and my siblings. Never listened to our needs. Ignored us. And made things very hard for us. Was very dramatic and sometimes cruel.
After my time in the hospital I went to therapy. Got a bit better. Went on an anti depressent. Which helped but I also got very fat and I also suffer from a slight eating disorder- which comes from my mom and how she brought me up.
After I got off anti depressent I was doing great for a year.
I still couldn’t take subway or go on long car rides but I could live alone and do a lot by myself and was happy.
Then I met my bf. I moved in with him things were great. I was taking subway - although only with him etc.
When I moved home after I graduated that’s when things got bad again. I started having hypochondria and having full fledged panic attacks everyday that I was dying.
When I moved out I still was having anxiety.
I don’t know what to do I feel helpless .
I just got into a residency program for my art. It’s in California and I don’t know how to get there without taking a plane. I live in nyc. And I’m stressed that I’m ruining my life because of this horrible disorder.
Any advice??
 
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