Marriage, anxiety and medication

[sophiesmom6]

Hi,

Just wanted to get some opinions b-cuz I'm at my wits end.. We have been married for about 22 years--- 2 kids.. When I married him I knew he had nervous energy and other things going on but I liked him as a person anyways.. Fast forward to now--- We are not getting along and I feel his 'nervousness' is getting worse. It seems like he always has something (teeth, headache, ears clogging, etc...) I do my part at helping out or being a cheerleader BUT he resorts to calling the Doctor for his health issues. He also seems like he has ants in his pants and cannot sit still even my kids notice this one as well as eating too fast and choking. He has always refused counseling but 3 years ago I got him there and to take zoloft-- He was a dream!!! I was back to my old self and felt like I was doing more for the family-- happily. He for whatever reason didn't like being on meds so he stopped and the anger with everything else came back. I'm so done with his childish behavior.. I have raised our kids and ready to fly the coop. It's a tough battle and my BP is going up from the stress which is NOT good. The last few days he's been asking for me to go back to work-- kids are needing cars and then college, etcc.. Fair enough as I need to work (I've always worked part-time but now he wants full time). But the thing is I'm not so sure I can handle full-time with all the anger and trantrums from him--- it's mentally draining on me. So I said let's take care of you (meds) then I will seek full-time employment. He knows I'm done with this.. My life should not be a mess because he doesn't want to take care of himself.. I really resent him. Sorry to sound cruel BUT I have been so patient all these years-- I just don't want to live in a tornado anymore--I want peace.

 

[Cuchculan]

The main thing with anxiety is the person has to want the help. He doesn't seem to even want the help. Thus I would question if it would do him any good at all. Until he admits he needs the help and accepts he should be taken medication, it will always be a battle for you. No doubt he should be taken medication. You are seeing the results of a person who is not taken medication when they should be. Sounds like he is a bag of nerves. The shaking and all of that. Not been able to sit still. That is normally the sign of a person having a break down. Not saying he is having one. But that would be a classic sign of person who is. Pacing. Restless. Shaking. He needs to accept that he needs help. You have to take care of yourself. Don't suffer, health wise, just because another person is refusing to look after their own health. Husband or not. It can be a tough life living with a person who has such issues. Says me who has such issues. Only I take my medication and see my doctor. If he looked after himself things might not be so bad for him. Then you would be a lot better too. Can only wish you the best of luck getting through to him. That he needs help now.

 

[sophiesmom6]

Thank-you for your response.. Years ago when I tried talking to his mother about his behavior, all she said was 'let him be'. I was very angry at this and still am in a way.. He's 51 a grown man who needs to get help-- the right kind.. He is OK going to all these Dr's for meds for his colds, hamstring, or whatever else he's got going on BUT not for the anxiety. He hasn't slept in our bed in YEARS-- he's very restless and sleeps all over the house even the basement. And he complains of being hot with the air on so I'm wondering if these are panic attacks... Could be and I don't care. We have an appt on Friday and really hoping he acknowledges he needs the help.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Hey there - I'm so sorry for the suffering your family is going through (BOTH of you). It can be really hard to admit to having a problem, because acknowledging anxiety can kind of feel like a death sentence at first (it's NOT, of course). I wanted to respond here as someone who has been on both sides of what you're describing. My father was exactly like you are describing your husband when I was growing up, and he didn't get treatment until he was around 50ish either. It was really hard on all of us. As a man, I think he just couldn't accept anxiety as an actual illness - he saw it as a weakness, or something he should just be able to "get over." And it was easier for him to be angry than it was to face the depression and anxiety - anger is a secondary emotion that kind of masks over whatever is really going on underneath. So it's not surprising that your husband has angry outbursts. It also sounds like his mother didn't help much, either. lol But like @Cuchculan said, someone has to want to get help before it can get better, though. But it CAN get better. It took a long time, but my father finally found a medication that works for him. He still has anxiety - sometimes pretty severe - since his illness is pretty bad. But he can talk about it with my mother, work through it, etc. He doesn't have the anger and the rage anymore, and he's able to make better decisions.

I also inherited a lot from my father - the anxiety, the anger when I don't have it under control, etc. It also took me a long time to accept that I might need to be on medication for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure I've put my husband through hell more than once. But it CAN get better. It might take some time, but it can. In the meantime, whatever you decide to do, it sounds like maybe you need some help and support to deal with it on your end? Living with someone with severe anxiety can be pretty stressful, especially if they're not treating it, so it might be a good idea for you to talk to a therapist about what you're going through and how to deal with it best. Anyways, not sure how helpful that is, but wanted to share so you know you're not alone!

 

[sophiesmom6]

Oh wow.. yes very helpful!!! I may just cut and paste the text and email to him .. I was worried about my boys BUT so far so good-- they are relaxed and calm. Yes your right the angry outbursts could be a 'cover-up' for something else. He can't relax or slow down so I thought ADHD and someone else thought bi-polar.. But regardless just hope he accepts help--- it's all I ask for..

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Oh wow.. yes very helpful!!! I may just cut and paste the text and email to him .. I was worried about my boys BUT so far so good-- they are relaxed and calm. Yes your right the angry outbursts could be a 'cover-up' for something else. He can't relax or slow down so I thought ADHD and someone else thought bi-polar.. But regardless just hope he accepts help--- it's all I ask for..

So many things can amp us up like that - bi-polar would have some other sides to it, probably, but you would need a professional to help figure it out. I hope you can both find some answers! Whatever he struggles with, it's ok, and there is help available.

 

[sophiesmom6]

Well... we have been to 2 marriage counseling appts.. I thought went well as the therapist pointed out a few things.. thought we were on the right track. BUT today seeing the Dr, he denied all and said 'no' to meds. UGH It's disappointing and makes me grit my teeth!! Guess I'm on my own.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

So hard. Give him some time, though. It's a lot to bite off. It's taken years for me to face some of my demons, and my husband has also taken years to come to terms with some of his own issues. It's a process.

Sorry this is so rough. You're not alone!

 

[ladybj]

Hi,

Just wanted to get some opinions b-cuz I'm at my wits end.. We have been married for about 22 years--- 2 kids.. When I married him I knew he had nervous energy and other things going on but I liked him as a person anyways.. Fast forward to now--- We are not getting along and I feel his 'nervousness' is getting worse. It seems like he always has something (teeth, headache, ears clogging, etc...) I do my part at helping out or being a cheerleader BUT he resorts to calling the Doctor for his health issues. He also seems like he has ants in his pants and cannot sit still even my kids notice this one as well as eating too fast and choking. He has always refused counseling but 3 years ago I got him there and to take zoloft-- He was a dream!!! I was back to my old self and felt like I was doing more for the family-- happily. He for whatever reason didn't like being on meds so he stopped and the anger with everything else came back. I'm so done with his childish behavior.. I have raised our kids and ready to fly the coop. It's a tough battle and my BP is going up from the stress which is NOT good. The last few days he's been asking for me to go back to work-- kids are needing cars and then college, etcc.. Fair enough as I need to work (I've always worked part-time but now he wants full time). But the thing is I'm not so sure I can handle full-time with all the anger and trantrums from him--- it's totally draining on me. So I said let's take care of you (meds) then I will seek full-time employment. He knows I'm done with this.. My life should not be a mess because he doesn't want to take care of himself.. I really resent him. Sorry to sound cruel BUT I have been so patient all these years-- I just don't want to live in a tornado anymore--I want peace.

If he does not want to take care of himself, there is not a lot that you can do. Unfortunately, you can not make him take medication, etc., that is up to him. I agree, your life should not be a mess... you have to take care of you.

 

[sophiesmom6]

If he does not want to take care of himself, there is not a lot that you can do. Unfortunately, you can not make him take medication, etc., that is up to him. I agree, your life should not be a mess... you have to take care of you.

Yes your both right!! But gosh how much time does he need? And yes it's effecting me!!! A few days ago I just had enough and had a meltdown (kids weren't here). He really didn't care about how upset I was but agreed to fill the script for Zoloft. Here it is days later and it's not done.... Each day it's like he's mad at the world and god's gift. He really wants to continue on and basically tells me to 'put up with it'. I don't want a divorce and don't want to be depressed the rest of my married life. Ugh It's just tough because he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to live like this.. But I did get in touch with a couple lawyers today just because it's important to know my options. I just don't understand how some people want the help BUT he does not--- unless of course this is the only 'normal' he knows. Then I think why am I making this guy do this? Why can't I just turn my head and ignore his behavior like years before? For some reason I do have resentment and I think I really want to see him do something for ME!! Does any of this make sense---
Not that it matters but since June he has had all kinds of trouble with 'clogged ears' and jaw.. He has been to about 5 doctors for this problem and I bought a night guard which he refuses to wear. But stress and anxiety does cause problems so I forwarded some articles that I found thinking that once he takes care of anxiety, the ear thing could go away because he'll be calmer. Cannot put 2 and 2 together so I'm screwed. But that's part of my meltdown thing that this will continue on and on and on.

 

[ladybj]

Yes your both right!! But gosh how much time does he need? And yes it's effecting me!!! A few days ago I just had enough and had a meltdown (kids weren't here). He really didn't care about how upset I was but agreed to fill the script for Zoloft. Here it is days later and it's not done.... Each day it's like he's mad at the world and god's gift. He really wants to continue on and basically tells me to 'put up with it'. I don't want a divorce and don't want to be depressed the rest of my married life. Ugh It's just tough because he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to live like this.. But I did get in touch with a couple lawyers today just because it's important to know my options. I just don't understand how some people want the help BUT he does not--- unless of course this is the only 'normal' he knows. Then I think why am I making this guy do this? Why can't I just turn my head and ignore his behavior like years before? For some reason I do have resentment and I think I really want to see him do something for ME!! Does any of this make sense---
Not that it matters but since June he has had all kinds of trouble with 'clogged ears' and jaw.. He has been to about 5 doctors for this problem and I bought a night guard which he refuses to wear. But stress and anxiety does cause problems so I forwarded some articles that I found thinking that once he takes care of anxiety, the ear thing could go away because he'll be calmer. Cannot put 2 and 2 together so I'm screwed. But that's part of my meltdown thing that this will continue on and on and on.

I would not leave him... I may be wrong but if you leave, you may feel guilty because all that he is going through. You mentioned he does not understand how it feels for you to live like this, do you understand what its like for him to live the way he is living? I know this is very hard to hear but you are taking on his task and that's why its so hard on you. We as wives, mothers do that a lot. I had to learn the hard way to let my husband, children take on their own task. This does not mean I am not there for them, which I am..it just means they have to figure the best way to handle their task. This is not easy to do because we as women are nurturers.. however, once you learn how to do it, its well worth it for your health and well being. It will be very hard but you may want to take a step back and allow your husband to deal with his issues. I'm not saying turn your back on him but give him a little space to handle his issues. I have had Anxiety issues for a long time... its a lot better than it was but I still have it. I was prescribed Zoloft years ago..I tried to take it 2x but was not able to stick with it..and now I am better without having to take Zoloft. I pray all goes well with you and your husband.

 

[Wandering123]

Yes your both right!! But gosh how much time does he need? And yes it's effecting me!!! A few days ago I just had enough and had a meltdown (kids weren't here). He really didn't care about how upset I was but agreed to fill the script for Zoloft. Here it is days later and it's not done.... Each day it's like he's mad at the world and god's gift. He really wants to continue on and basically tells me to 'put up with it'. I don't want a divorce and don't want to be depressed the rest of my married life. Ugh It's just tough because he clearly doesn't understand what it's like to live like this.. But I did get in touch with a couple lawyers today just because it's important to know my options. I just don't understand how some people want the help BUT he does not--- unless of course this is the only 'normal' he knows. Then I think why am I making this guy do this? Why can't I just turn my head and ignore his behavior like years before? For some reason I do have resentment and I think I really want to see him do something for ME!! Does any of this make sense---
Not that it matters but since June he has had all kinds of trouble with 'clogged ears' and jaw.. He has been to about 5 doctors for this problem and I bought a night guard which he refuses to wear. But stress and anxiety does cause problems so I forwarded some articles that I found thinking that once he takes care of anxiety, the ear thing could go away because he'll be calmer. Cannot put 2 and 2 together so I'm screwed. But that's part of my meltdown thing that this will continue on and on and on.

Honestly if he does not want to take care of himself and cannot see past his own issues to understand how you feel then l would leave. He's not going to change. You feel miserable and you deserve to have a happy life. You've done what you can and he refuses to change. You can't wait around for him forever. You've given him plenty of opportunities to try and get better. My vote is get a divorce and move on.