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just not sure anymore

Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
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11
#1
Basically I've ruined my life. I used to blame my parents, though now I see that there is no one to blame but myself. I allowed the depression and anxiety to get out of control, and now they have taken everything out of me and also taken everything away from me. Medications just made it worse, therapy made it worse, and I no longer have what it takes to fight this on my own. I can't kill myself, I've tried several times to slice my wrist open though I just can't do it. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I feel completely alone, yet my anxiety keeps me from talking to people. Even if manage to try I either can't say anything or I just ruin everything.

I've trapped myself in a cage, and I don't have the key to open it. I already feel horrible, but then when I stop and think about how I actually let loneliness do this to me it just makes me feel really pathetic and feel like a complete failure. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want out of this.
 
Joined
Aug 31, 2016
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#2
Basically I've ruined my life. I used to blame my parents, though now I see that there is no one to blame but myself. I allowed the depression and anxiety to get out of control, and now they have taken everything out of me and also taken everything away from me. Medications just made it worse, therapy made it worse, and I no longer have what it takes to fight this on my own. I can't kill myself, I've tried several times to slice my wrist open though I just can't do it. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I feel completely alone, yet my anxiety keeps me from talking to people. Even if manage to try I either can't say anything or I just ruin everything.

I've trapped myself in a cage, and I don't have the key to open it. I already feel horrible, but then when I stop and think about how I actually let loneliness do this to me it just makes me feel really pathetic and feel like a complete failure. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want out of this.
Don't blame yourself for your illness. You are right that it is probably not your families fault, but there is a reason why it has happened and you feel this way. It could be your serotonin levels which means that medication will help you. If it is something that happened to you that has caused you to feel depressed, then you can get counselling. There is also help and a way out. I know you maybe don't feel this way now but there is a way out of this feeling.

You say you are lonely. There is a way out of loneliness too. What interests you? Get yourself out and join a group or a club that you are interested in. Such as an art class or lessons or sport. These places are okay for you to go on your own and you would meet people with the same interest and eventually make friends.

You have done the right thing by recognising that you are not well. It is a physical illness that you have. Intermingled with the mind yes, but there are truly physical symptoms. I'm sorry that meds and counselling didn't work but did you give it time?

Please come on and chat with us, let us know how you are. You are amongst friends here.
 

mayabee

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2018
Messages
22
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1
#3
Basically I've ruined my life. I used to blame my parents, though now I see that there is no one to blame but myself. I allowed the depression and anxiety to get out of control, and now they have taken everything out of me and also taken everything away from me. Medications just made it worse, therapy made it worse, and I no longer have what it takes to fight this on my own. I can't kill myself, I've tried several times to slice my wrist open though I just can't do it. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I feel completely alone, yet my anxiety keeps me from talking to people. Even if manage to try I either can't say anything or I just ruin everything.

I've trapped myself in a cage, and I don't have the key to open it. I already feel horrible, but then when I stop and think about how I actually let loneliness do this to me it just makes me feel really pathetic and feel like a complete failure. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want out of this.
Let me emphasize that your illness is NOBODY’S FAULT! Not yours, nor your parents. You got it by a cruel stroke of fate. Your parents would never have wished this on you. You haven’t allowed anything to get out of control, it’s an illness and just like the flu, you can’t control it.
 

mayabee

New Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2018
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#4
Let me emphasize that your illness is NOBODY’S FAULT! Not yours, nor your parents. You got it by a cruel stroke of fate. Your parents would never have wished this on you. You haven’t allowed anything to get out of control, it’s an illness and just like the flu, you can’t control it.
Basically I've ruined my life. I used to blame my parents, though now I see that there is no one to blame but myself. I allowed the depression and anxiety to get out of control, and now they have taken everything out of me and also taken everything away from me. Medications just made it worse, therapy made it worse, and I no longer have what it takes to fight this on my own. I can't kill myself, I've tried several times to slice my wrist open though I just can't do it. I hate this, I absolutely hate this. I feel completely alone, yet my anxiety keeps me from talking to people. Even if manage to try I either can't say anything or I just ruin everything.

I've trapped myself in a cage, and I don't have the key to open it. I already feel horrible, but then when I stop and think about how I actually let loneliness do this to me it just makes me feel really pathetic and feel like a complete failure. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want out of this.
People on this forum are here for you. I CARE ABOUT YOU! A person who has never spoken to you CARES ABOUT YOU!!!! People who you may never meet CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! You’re not alone in this battle! None of this is your fault.
 

Concernedgal

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 24, 2016
Messages
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#5
Your not alone. Your doing fine. You are opening your heart to us and ours to you. If you ask me....thats good start.
You and I have had interesting conversation on here ..haven't we.
Your nervousness gets in the way .
There is no need to be nervous. And btw... you say that you haven't made friends but, that's not true...you have us. I'd like to think that we have you too. If that's not friendship. ....I don't know what is.?
 
Joined
Jul 11, 2018
Messages
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1
#6
You have so much to offer others .You just proved it to yourself by writing what you did .Don't give up. The fact that you have dealt with the anxiety symptoms just proves what a strong person you are. You can help so many others.
 
Joined
Oct 2, 2016
Messages
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#7
I am sorry to say this but I don't get the reasons here. You said you are blaming yourself.....
1. Are you blaming yourself for not achieving a higher position?
2. Or is it your current situation?
Without knowing for what you are blaming yourself, I cant't really say much. If you can't do something like talking to people, you don't have to worry too much about it as of now. You will get there eventually and we don't have to force ourselves to do things that we can't do.
Well then, dying isn't a sin and I disagree with others who tell that it's a sin and you will be going to hell for it. Now, even though it's not a sin, it's the end point. You wouldn't exist if you die and whatever you are feeling will be lost. Even if you regret in your last moment, you can't undo things. I know this because I tried killing myself once and this isn't something I normally wouldn't share. I regretted it, after I took the sleeping pills. I had many things I wanted to do and by dying, I could never experience many things.
I would never want anyone to die because the pain, for the living people would be horrible.
 

Concernedgal

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 24, 2016
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418
#8
I
I am sorry to say this but I don't get the reasons here. You said you are blaming yourself.....
1. Are you blaming yourself for not achieving a higher position?
2. Or is it your current situation?
Without knowing for what you are blaming yourself, I cant't really say much. If you can't do something like talking to people, you don't have to worry too much about it as of now. You will get there eventually and we don't have to force ourselves to do things that we can't do.
Well then, dying isn't a sin and I disagree with others who tell that it's a sin and you will be going to hell for it. Now, even though it's not a sin, it's the end point. You wouldn't exist if you die and whatever you are feeling will be lost. Even if you regret in your last moment, you can't undo things. I know this because I tried killing myself once and this isn't something I normally wouldn't share. I regretted it, after I took the sleeping pills. I had many things I wanted to do and by dying, I could never experience many things.
I would never want anyone to die because the pain, for the living people would be horrible.
tried to drown myself in the bathroom when I was 14 because of bullying...if it wasn' t for my mother .....I wouldn't be here today. I am grateful to her everyday for giving get me a second chance at life.
 
Joined
Oct 2, 2016
Messages
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#9
I

tried to drown myself in the bathroom when I was 14 because of bullying...if it wasn' t for my mother .....I wouldn't be here today. I am grateful to her everyday for giving get me a second chance at life.
Bullying is hard to take. I was a victim too but my situation wasn't bad. More like, they said nasty comments about me and I didn't get the information of courses and such.
So, I don't exactly call that my worse phase, but I wanted to escape from that phase as soon as possible. This was all because I was good at studies and younger than the rest of the kids(not exactly kids). I was doing my masters and that's when all this happened. I got a silver medal at the end... as even some of the teachers disliked me, as I am not the one to praise teachers and ask for extra marks.
I got three job offers, so I am not gonna complain and you could picture the situation when I say that the person who got the gold medal didn't even get a single job offer.
That's how it was for me. I despise bullying a lot. I wish for the day when bullying cease to exist.
I am glad that you were saved :D
 

Kelculator

Active Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2017
Messages
308
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84
#10
I can see you are very frustrated because of your illness... I'm so sorry to know. While these illnesses can be very bothersome and repetitive, making you feel tired and helpless all the time, remember that it is a part of you, the way you think, and it (the way you think) is not always a bad thing.
I see ppl with anxiety as situation-sensitive. They are very empathetic, sensible, and aware of everything going on around them. Sure, anciety is very horrible, I can tell you that first-hand, but you, your personality, is wonderful because of the way you think. :)
It will get better, it really will. It make take a lot longer than you imagine, but you will come into terms with yourself. Stay safe.
 

Gergyta

New Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2018
Messages
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0
#11
Why do people call it an illness? I don’t like that word. It makes it seem more curable, less problematic to the person and to the people around that person.
Any ways DONT GIVE UP I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!! There are people who care about you, from here on this forum to people in your life!! If you need time, that’s okay! Not everyone can move forward quickly, it’s okay.
 
Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
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#12
I'm blaming myself because I've put myself into a situation that I can't get myself out of, a situation that has made me feel dead on the inside, and I feel pathetic because I know my situation is nothing compared to most people yet I don't have what it takes to fight it. After I quit school then got fired from the only job I ever had, I sat around for years feeling so bad about things that I didn't even bother trying to get myself going. I stopped caring, and so everything that has gone wrong has been my fault. It isn't going to get better, I'm not capable of making it better. I've been dealing with the depression for about 20 years now and the anxiety basically my entire life, with these last two years being the worst, and if I had the ability to fight my way out of this I would have done it long ago. For my entire life I've always been dependent on others for most things, though for as long as I can remember I've always been afraid to speak up about anything, and for these past 20 years I've had no support and was just so overwhelmed by everything that I gave up. When you give up then everything just falls apart, and I've fallen apart.

I've tried meeting people online these past couple of years hoping I could at least break free of the anxiety, and thought that if I could push that anxiety away I might be able to get myself going. For a while I was actually doing pretty well with the anxiety, but after a couple of things happened it's just become worse now more than ever. I was even doing voice and video chats on Skype, but now most of the time I'm too petrified to even check for any sort of text messages. While the one or two friends I have made online are nice, it just isn't the same as having someone around in person. What friends I did have in my area gave up on me as soon as I finally told them about my depression. I also tried to write notes to my parents explaining how I feel, but they continue to sit back and watch me rot away.

I'm sure this may sound like a stupid thing to say, but while my life itself is a complete failure it doesn't really get to me and bring me down. The one thing that actually bothers me is loneliness, and to be honest I absolutely hate to say that now since most people just don't understand. For most people it's so easy to just walk outside and talk to every random stranger that they see, but what do you do when your anxiety has become so bad that you can't even walk outside and it's a struggle just trying to talk even when it's your own family? I can't help myself, and those around me that can do something simply do nothing, so what's left? There's an emptiness inside of me that I can't fill, and as long as that is there then nothing else is going to matter.
 

Gergyta

New Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2018
Messages
15
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0
#13
I'm blaming myself because I've put myself into a situation that I can't get myself out of, a situation that has made me feel dead on the inside, and I feel pathetic because I know my situation is nothing compared to most people yet I don't have what it takes to fight it. After I quit school then got fired from the only job I ever had, I sat around for years feeling so bad about things that I didn't even bother trying to get myself going. I stopped caring, and so everything that has gone wrong has been my fault. It isn't going to get better, I'm not capable of making it better. I've been dealing with the depression for about 20 years now and the anxiety basically my entire life, with these last two years being the worst, and if I had the ability to fight my way out of this I would have done it long ago. For my entire life I've always been dependent on others for most things, though for as long as I can remember I've always been afraid to speak up about anything, and for these past 20 years I've had no support and was just so overwhelmed by everything that I gave up. When you give up then everything just falls apart, and I've fallen apart.

I've tried meeting people online these past couple of years hoping I could at least break free of the anxiety, and thought that if I could push that anxiety away I might be able to get myself going. For a while I was actually doing pretty well with the anxiety, but after a couple of things happened it's just become worse now more than ever. I was even doing voice and video chats on Skype, but now most of the time I'm too petrified to even check for any sort of text messages. While the one or two friends I have made online are nice, it just isn't the same as having someone around in person. What friends I did have in my area gave up on me as soon as I finally told them about my depression. I also tried to write notes to my parents explaining how I feel, but they continue to sit back and watch me rot away.

I'm sure this may sound like a stupid thing to say, but while my life itself is a complete failure it doesn't really get to me and bring me down. The one thing that actually bothers me is loneliness, and to be honest I absolutely hate to say that now since most people just don't understand. For most people it's so easy to just walk outside and talk to every random stranger that they see, but what do you do when your anxiety has become so bad that you can't even walk outside and it's a struggle just trying to talk even when it's your own family? I can't help myself, and those around me that can do something simply do nothing, so what's left? There's an emptiness inside of me that I can't fill, and as long as that is there then nothing else is going to matter.

I understand how you feel, and I believe in you. If it takes you a while to reach out and find someone who will help you, so be it. But don’t give up
 

triceps

Active Member
Joined
Aug 7, 2018
Messages
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#14
I'm an agoraphobic due to anxiety and can definitely relate to many of your fears. On a bad day, I can agonize for an hour over just going outside to get the mail. My ability to fight the anxiety lessens as I grow older (mid 60's). Here's my suggestion: Pick one aspect of your former treatments and try it again. i.e., try a different anti-depressant, change therapists, push yourself to start an exercise regiment ect. The hope would be to change your focus off of the hopelessness and put your energy into one potentially helpful treatment. Concentrating on just one change might help to not get overwhelmed.
 
Joined
Jun 28, 2018
Messages
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11
#15
I understand how you feel, and I believe in you. If it takes you a while to reach out and find someone who will help you, so be it. But don’t give up
I've been waiting for around 15 years now to find someone that could help lift me back up, but I can't find that person. I've wanted so badly to feel better by messaging people I meet online, but as I said before it just isn't the same as having someone there in person.

@triceps I've tried so many different things over the past couple of years, but in the end none of it helped. At one point I was actually pushing myself to go out for a drive every night to try and take my mind off things, then that turned into once or twice a week, then eventually not at all. At one point I was regularly doing push ups, doing a set of them once or sometimes twice a day. I was to a point where I would average around 30 to 40 per set I would do, even managed to do 70 once, but just like with the drives I eventually stopped that too. After the negative ways the medications made me feel I'm too afraid to even try another one, and there's no way I could push myself to try therapy again.

I don't know why, but the thought of trying anything on my own scares the hell out of me and since there's no one around to do anything with me I just can't do a thing. I'm afraid of being alone, yet it seems that's all I can be.
 

Gergyta

New Member
Joined
Aug 2, 2018
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#16
I've been waiting for around 15 years now to find someone that could help lift me back up, but I can't find that person. I've wanted so badly to feel better by messaging people I meet online, but as I said before it just isn't the same as having someone there in person.

@triceps I've tried so many different things over the past couple of years, but in the end none of it helped. At one point I was actually pushing myself to go out for a drive every night to try and take my mind off things, then that turned into once or twice a week, then eventually not at all. At one point I was regularly doing push ups, doing a set of them once or sometimes twice a day. I was to a point where I would average around 30 to 40 per set I would do, even managed to do 70 once, but just like with the drives I eventually stopped that too. After the negative ways the medications made me feel I'm too afraid to even try another one, and there's no way I could push myself to try therapy again.

I don't know why, but the thought of trying anything on my own scares the hell out of me and since there's no one around to do anything with me I just can't do a thing. I'm afraid of being alone, yet it seems that's all I can be.

I see. Maybe don’t dive into something, maybe start out slow, like doing push-ups once every week or every other week, and slowly build up? I’m not very good at this, but maybe that will help
 
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