PRguru_cfj
Member
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2020
- Messages
- 135
- Reaction score
- 17
I am tired of proving something for myself. Hardworking, dedication, time, trying. I'm tried of all of it. They say you work hard and earn your way in the world. But they don't account talent, money, power, looks, ability. I thought they were attainable. But now I see things as they are not what I want to be. I tierd everything to make my self matter. I did good things, I did bad things. I did sports, I got good grades, and fought. But it didn't amount to ****. One step forward 10 steps back. I got no one or nothing that is truly mine.
My only job I have is to get good grades, trust in god, and don't lose your mind. I am ******* up all three. I am failing all my classes and I can't focus on one goddamn thing since they give me one every god damn day. I am failing and breaking everything.Relationships, tests, quizs, projects, talking to people, hell my teeth is getting more yellow and I brush them four times a day. There is so much bad **** that is going on I doubt god even cares or EXIST. I barley pray just say "god help me" and go to sleep.
I am starting to think of thoughts I have not thought in a while since middle school. Violent, depressing, sad thoughts. Nightmares of me doing bad things. Sudden thoughts of me doing violence things to my self and others. I dream stabbing myself in the eye, bashing my love ones with blunt objects, me dying in violent ways and seeing g my slef in a demented form. I would rather die then be that monster, I will keep him caged, even if I have nightmares for the rest of my life. I never had any major trauma and yet I feel these urges. Never fought anyone in my life and just took the abuse form others.
To some it all up I am tired of living and trying this world but I am too scared to end it because I don't no what's at the other side. Oh wait I know what, it's the same explanation I give my self. A complete nothing and the only respite I feel is sleeping, eating, watching TV, movies, YouTube, and playing video games. I am starting to like drinking but only on special occasions. Either I hurt myself or others, I choose myself. Or forget about it and just smile and take it on day by day and tell people I'm fine and I'm doing well. Yea me
My only job I have is to get good grades, trust in god, and don't lose your mind. I am ******* up all three. I am failing all my classes and I can't focus on one goddamn thing since they give me one every god damn day. I am failing and breaking everything.Relationships, tests, quizs, projects, talking to people, hell my teeth is getting more yellow and I brush them four times a day. There is so much bad **** that is going on I doubt god even cares or EXIST. I barley pray just say "god help me" and go to sleep.
I am starting to think of thoughts I have not thought in a while since middle school. Violent, depressing, sad thoughts. Nightmares of me doing bad things. Sudden thoughts of me doing violence things to my self and others. I dream stabbing myself in the eye, bashing my love ones with blunt objects, me dying in violent ways and seeing g my slef in a demented form. I would rather die then be that monster, I will keep him caged, even if I have nightmares for the rest of my life. I never had any major trauma and yet I feel these urges. Never fought anyone in my life and just took the abuse form others.
To some it all up I am tired of living and trying this world but I am too scared to end it because I don't no what's at the other side. Oh wait I know what, it's the same explanation I give my self. A complete nothing and the only respite I feel is sleeping, eating, watching TV, movies, YouTube, and playing video games. I am starting to like drinking but only on special occasions. Either I hurt myself or others, I choose myself. Or forget about it and just smile and take it on day by day and tell people I'm fine and I'm doing well. Yea me