hi. i actually not sad, but there's an urge from inside me that make me really want to cry. i tried to think what things that made me feel like this, but my mind is blank. there's nothing inside my head. but i still want to cry. if it's my college day, i would just cry in my room by myself then fall asleep and wake up with a bloated face. but it's holiday, and i'm at my house with my family, so i can't cry. it even more tiring.
i already feel like this actually since a years ago, but after i found out about mental health kinda thing, i started to think about this. i have insomnia, i can't sleep if it's already past 10. and if it happens, i only can sleep if it already past 5/6 in the morning, and always wake up at 7/8. that time between 10pm until 5am is what i called my danger hour. because everything could be happen in that hour. and mostly, it's an overthinking that i don't even know what am i thinking about, and ended up with a silent cry. i always wake up tired.
i talked to my friend about this, and she answered "its because you're lack of sleep. drink more water." ok, i tried it. i slept for 8-12 hours in a week with so much struggle. i drink more water. but nothing changed. i still tired. i think, it's not my body that's tired. it's my soul, my mental and my mind that already brought and held so much things.
i really want to talk about it to someone. but i scared. i scared they will think i'm crazy, or i make it up. once i made up my mind and told my friend that i trusted the most. but he ended up saying that i was exaggerating it, and it was only in my mind, and i should go out more, and not being such an attention seeker
and things like that. ok maybe it sounded childish, but it hurts me so so much. it became my new trauma that i can't fully open up to anybody. i don't want people to think about me that way. so i decided to lock myself up way more than before. i could guarantee you that no one in this whole universe know the true me, only God knows.
i'm so tired that i want to open up to someone so that at least there's a person that truly know me and for them to just comfort me, but beside i don't want to open up. i'm actually a simple girl, it's just my mind that complicated, i don't even understand my own mind. i need help. i want someone to notice me gasping for air inside my thick wall. omg
i know i'm being stubborn right now, i'm sorry. i'm sorry if this seems exaggerating. i actually in an urge to delete all of this and not post this at all. but, i don't know where should i speak little part of my mind if it isn't here. maybe when i wake up i'll be better and realize how embarrassing this is and delete it later.
i'm sorry if i take too much of your time to read this garbage.
it's 10pm here and i could feel anxiety and insecurity building up inside me.
i'm tired of feeling like this, i'm tired for being like this, i'm tired for being not enough. i want to be important and make at least one person proud of me. i'm tired of wanting to cry but no tears could come out.
i don't want to die, but i want my life to end.
i already feel like this actually since a years ago, but after i found out about mental health kinda thing, i started to think about this. i have insomnia, i can't sleep if it's already past 10. and if it happens, i only can sleep if it already past 5/6 in the morning, and always wake up at 7/8. that time between 10pm until 5am is what i called my danger hour. because everything could be happen in that hour. and mostly, it's an overthinking that i don't even know what am i thinking about, and ended up with a silent cry. i always wake up tired.
i talked to my friend about this, and she answered "its because you're lack of sleep. drink more water." ok, i tried it. i slept for 8-12 hours in a week with so much struggle. i drink more water. but nothing changed. i still tired. i think, it's not my body that's tired. it's my soul, my mental and my mind that already brought and held so much things.
i really want to talk about it to someone. but i scared. i scared they will think i'm crazy, or i make it up. once i made up my mind and told my friend that i trusted the most. but he ended up saying that i was exaggerating it, and it was only in my mind, and i should go out more, and not being such an attention seeker
and things like that. ok maybe it sounded childish, but it hurts me so so much. it became my new trauma that i can't fully open up to anybody. i don't want people to think about me that way. so i decided to lock myself up way more than before. i could guarantee you that no one in this whole universe know the true me, only God knows.i'm so tired that i want to open up to someone so that at least there's a person that truly know me and for them to just comfort me, but beside i don't want to open up. i'm actually a simple girl, it's just my mind that complicated, i don't even understand my own mind. i need help. i want someone to notice me gasping for air inside my thick wall. omg
i know i'm being stubborn right now, i'm sorry. i'm sorry if this seems exaggerating. i actually in an urge to delete all of this and not post this at all. but, i don't know where should i speak little part of my mind if it isn't here. maybe when i wake up i'll be better and realize how embarrassing this is and delete it later.
i'm sorry if i take too much of your time to read this garbage.
it's 10pm here and i could feel anxiety and insecurity building up inside me.
i'm tired of feeling like this, i'm tired for being like this, i'm tired for being not enough. i want to be important and make at least one person proud of me. i'm tired of wanting to cry but no tears could come out.
i don't want to die, but i want my life to end.
