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idk how to talk to my mom

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my mom picks at everything i do. literally EVERYTHING. from the second i wake up to the second i go to sleep she's nagging me about something. she picks at my outfit choice, the way i do my hair, the way i clean my room, the way i do the dishes, the fact that a lot of my favs are white even though it's not intentional, the way i tie my shoes, the WAY I EAT, etc. and it's made me not want to do anything, and every time i talk to her about how this bothers me she plays victim and completely twists my words into something i never said and claims that i'm calling her "toxic" when i never said that and even though she has a lot of toxic traits she is a good mom (outside of the absolute bare minimum) and i'm not gonna pretend she's not.

not only that, but she makes me feel like i'm stupid a lot. i have ADHD and it makes regular, simple tasks really hard for me to do because i forget things really easily and i have trouble staying focused. the other day we were cleaning our rooms and i put some clothes in my closet temporarily to get them out the way. i must've missed some of them when i was done cleaning and my mom noticed them before i did and started yelling at me for it. i told her i just didn't notice them and she went "of course you didn't" and she says that a lot and it makes me feel so bad about myself because no matter how much i explain to her that my adhd makes regular easy tasks harder for me because of how easily i forget things, don't notice them, etc it sounds like an excuse so i quit saying it. every time i explain to her how i feel she tells me i'm being sensitive and that i need to grow up so i just stopped telling her things. that's not it either.

i also tried to come out to her multiple times and every time she tells me that i'm "too young" to know but she "accepts me anyways." now i'm worried that she won't let me have sleepovers with other LGBT+ friends because she thinks i'm going to do something with them? my step dad is also super conservative and homophobic and even though he's respectful to me about it, he's made multiple homophobic remarks that make me uncomfortable.

i just need to know how to approach my mom about these issues without starting a fight.
 

Cuchculan

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Some things are much harder to deal with at a certain age. Mother's or father's can look upon their kids and have certain dreams and expectations for them. They want them to do well. Hard not to agree with that. But then it comes to how they bring it across. Like if you don't meet those expectations. Here is were some can get it wrong. You see your mother as always having a go at you. Putting you down. Blaming everything on you. That says she is not communicating with you in the right way. Instead of saying what she expects from you, she is putting it across in a way that is making you feel bad about yourself. I am still certain she only wants what is best for you. But her methods of displaying that message is all wrong. You ever ask her straight out what she expects from you in life? Are you meeting those expectations? Just to see how she answers such questions. I am sure she loves you and wants to see you do well in life. But this whole not been able to talk to each other the right way is all wrong. Tough love is what we all got at times. But only so much of it is needed. Even to tell her that you hear what she is saying. But at times you think she thinks you don't. If you get me. Try and be nice to her. In a sense that might catch her off guard. Have her wondering why you are been so nice. That is something I love doing. Somebody says something meant as an insult. I say thank you. What do they say to that? Most times nothing at all. Because they were not expecting me to thank them. Try and smile as much as possible too. It confuses people who are having a go at you. Come the end of the day you are still her son and she loves you. Just like you love her. Nice hug might even make her smile too.
 
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