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I need support please (possible sexual ocd)

hopeless98

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hi there,

I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry if I'm not following rules or posting correctly but i need some help.

It's been awhile since I posted one of these but I'm distressed. I thought that I could test out sexual thoughts with children and not get a response. J got a sexual fantasy in my brain and tried to relax. As I relaxed I figured that I wouldn't get sexually excited. Yet, I did. I got a half erection to sexual thoughts with a child.
Often I don't get answers when posting on forums, which gives me more uncertainty. I'm feeling like a pedophile and think I'm close to accepting that. The reason why I tested the thought is that I assumed that an erection wouldn't happen and wanted to prove it to myself. Now that it worked, I don't know what to do.
Some words or opinions are appreciated

It all started when a child walked into the door of my job. I was doing well the week before but I noticed his body by catching glimpses of it. I couldn't move since I thought that moving might cause an erection and it did somehow. Ever since then I've been struggling with thought patterns and behaviors like isolating myself and forcing myself to think inappropriate thoughts to get erections, which mostly don't work.

When having these thoughts, I try to close it on a good note by fantasizing about adults, which is way more successful in terms of arousal and orgasm. Yet I try to compare myself to symptoms of OCD and it doesn't feel like it matches up. I just feel uncomfortable when I have the thoughts and I have the ability to relax, so I don't know what a formal diagnosis might look like. I've tried talking to my therapist but I don't feel like it's working. That's why I'm posting here.

Someone please respond
 

Cuchculan

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If there is any plus signs to be taken from all of this it is the fact that you have never acted out on any of your thoughts. Never gone near a child. Only you would know if children are the only things that can turn you on? Has anything else ever aroused you, other than the thoughts of children? This is why people never want to go near such posts. Because the average person would be digusted by such a way of thinking and the people who think this way. I am surprised your therapist had not got much to say or any way to help you. Or was your therapist a little put off by what you were saying? It is one of those subject matters people hate. Myself included. But you have never made your fantasy become a reality. It is all just thoughts. Thoughts are bad enough. As the majority of people could never look at a child in a sexual way. That seems to be what you are doing. Much like a gay person finds people of their own sex arousing to them. Straight people like the opposite sex. Pedophiles view kids as their taste in sex. I would never class it as an illness. I know some like to say it is. To me that is an excuse for people who like kids. If a therapist couldn't help you, I have no idea what people on a forum are meant to do to help you? Because I am guessing most of them won't touch this post. They would be sickened by it. Which I am sure you can understand. Maybe try and work out are they just thoughts or is this something you fear you might act on at some stage in life. If you think you will act on it maybe look up forms of castration in your area. Which is something some pedophiles actually have done before they can get to the point of acting on their thoughts. I know from listening to radio talk shows that such people do exist out there. Pedophiles who have never done anything to a kid. But who know that is what they are. Time to make your mind up. Are you one or are you not one? I am not buying the whole OCD thing. That is a bit like insulting people who have real OCD.
 

hopeless98

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Thanks for the reply,

I have my own theories as to why its anxiety based.

Firstly, this came out of nowhere. Pedophiles would be certain from their teens that they have this attraction. For me, it's been adults since then.

Secondly, all my crushes and attractions before all this have been age appropriate.

Also, this is not the first time something like this happens. Before all this, I was unsure of my sexuality and would struggle exactly the same way, by comparing thoughts of women vs men and seeing what sexual reactions I would have. I would have the same way of sorting through the thoughts and even self harming.

I've heard of a subset of OCD called pedophilia ocd, in which the person has an obsession with being attracted to minors. I've seen places where I can relate to what other people post to some degree.

It would be easier for me to accept if I actually had an attraction to minors. I recognize that people can have both attractions and not act on one. However, I question it since I know that something that I can be attracted to shouldn't warrant this much questioning on my part. How is it that an attraction appears out of seemingly nowhere?

It's the doubt and seeking of answers that kills me. When I write a post, I dont do so in delight or enjoyment, even if it reads like that because it's explicit. I just need to reassure myself.
 

Cuchculan

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Have heard of similar before. Only that didn't involve sex. Person tells their therapist they fear they might kill a person. Why? because the thought is there in their head. These people would never harm anybody as a rule. So they are confused as to why the thought could be there. Hence they want to try and figure it out. They are having thoughts that they could kill someone. As that is not them as a rule it obviously frightens them. So I can only assume what you are going through is similar, only involving sexual thoughts and ideas. Things people know they should never do. The thought of doing such a thing jumps into their mind. For the simple reason that they know it is wrong. I had never heard of the whole OCD side of this sort of thinking. Because it is not something I think about. But thoughts about doing things that we know we should not do are common with some forms of anxiety. I used murder / killing a person. With you it is illegal sex with a minor. We also have people who fear they might harm family members. Which they would never really do. I think the thing is they have no idea what exactly their condition would make them do. You hear of mental illness. What exactly comes to mind? If I really think about it I know many serial killers who have been classed as mentally ill. A person with mental illness, who might be aware of such things, could think ' can I do that too '. They are unsure of what mental illness can make a person do. Considering we have killers classed as mentally ill. That would not apply to everybody. Some of us have our anxiety issues. We know that is all we have. Not sure if you would class your thoughts as intrusive thoughts? I would imagine so if you don't want them there.
 

Izthewiz

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I'd honestly get help if you're even having a thought of children.
I can tell you first hand the pain I've been through as a survivor of an adult touching me as a child.
 

Cuchculan

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The only part that did worry me was the part about getting the erection when he saw a kid, when at work. People not into kids would not get an erection. Obviously something turned him on when he saw that kid. But a therapist wouldn't help him. Where do you go for help?
 

Squid Jones

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It would be easier for me to accept if I actually had an attraction to minors.
You apparently do actually have an attraction to minors because the sight of one caused you to become sexually aroused. And by "minors" what are we talking about? Where I live a 15-year-old is a minor and so is a 5-year-old. How old are we talking about here?
 

Guitarist41

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I’m not going to bash or say anything that’s judgmental. I will say that 100%, help is needed. I’m 41, and I’ve had 18 year olds hit on me, and they look like kids. They literally do nothing for me. Now, are there young girls who look like grown women? Absolutely, but for me... even under 30 is pushing my interest level.
 

hopeless98

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It's ok, I'm not getting anywhere with any of you.

As far as I understand, how come physical reactions of adults vs a minor are different to me?

Why is it that it's always when I'm nervous I have such a reaction THAT I DONT WANT?

When any of you are attracted to someone, do you feel safe or threatened? I have a preference for ADULTS. I dont know WHY physical reactions occur as a result of anxiety or nervousness against kids of all things. I do not know. The only other responses I've gathered have been something like a groinal response.

What I want to know is WHY there is one at all when there shouldn't be. As I've said before MY PREFERENCE HAS BEEN TOWARDS ADULTS. I consider these reactions as separate from me. I dont see a kid and wonder of a life in partnership or marriage. For SOME REASON sexual thoughts and reactions come to mind SPECIALLY when I'm confronted with it.

I wanted to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and how to deal with them. My intention isn't to be a danger to anyone, which is easy to say since some pedophiles are that way. It's been a way of testing myself and my sexual reactions. I dont think that if I had Legitimiate and enjoyable sexual attraction to minors I wouldn't be posting here.
 

Guitarist41

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It's ok, I'm not getting anywhere with any of you.

As far as I understand, how come physical reactions of adults vs a minor are different to me?

Why is it that it's always when I'm nervous I have such a reaction THAT I DONT WANT?

When any of you are attracted to someone, do you feel safe or threatened? I have a preference for ADULTS. I dont know WHY physical reactions occur as a result of anxiety or nervousness against kids of all things. I do not know. The only other responses I've gathered have been something like a groinal response.

What I want to know is WHY there is one at all when there shouldn't be. As I've said before MY PREFERENCE HAS BEEN TOWARDS ADULTS. I consider these reactions as separate from me. I dont see a kid and wonder of a life in partnership or marriage. For SOME REASON sexual thoughts and reactions come to mind SPECIALLY when I'm confronted with it.

I wanted to know if anyone else has had similar experiences and how to deal with them. My intention isn't to be a danger to anyone, which is easy to say since some pedophiles are that way. It's been a way of testing myself and my sexual reactions. I dont think that if I had Legitimiate and enjoyable sexual attraction to minors I wouldn't be posting here.
Ok, let me ask this... are you afraid you have an unnatural attraction to minors? Or, do you actually have an attraction to minors?
If it’s a fear of having an attraction to minors, then that’s something that some people have. We all get strange fears about some things when it comes to our anxiety.
As was asked already... how old are these minors?
 

hopeless98

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Sometimes it varies between 12-15 or more towards 10? I honestly don't know. Why does age matter? Its inappropriate either way and I dont want it. I have trouble differentiating attraction from anxiety. The only thing I know and have known for sure is that sexual preference for adults is there. What I want to know is why my brain is pushing me into thoughts and reactions that I find uncomfortable? Especially when having attraction to adults feels safe and comforting. I still have the thoughts and arousal sensations. All I want to know is why.

When with minors I feel uncomfortable in general. Thoughts and hypothetical situations that are ethically inapropriate invade my mind and don't make me feel safe or secure.

I want to know why I have these thoughts and sensations when they're something I dont want. Would an inappropriate thought that's sexual or romantically oriented indicate attraction even if I don't want it?
Might I add, why is it inconsistent? Why does it work sometimes and sometimes not when I'm testing the thoughts?
 
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Sar7747

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I have OCD and have had this fear before. The thing is - have you always had these feelings? Or do they just pop up now because you FEAR them? That is what OCD does - it preys on your worst fears. I have had so many odd fears over the years that would pop up and then go away as quickly as they came. Have you ever had an OCD fear before?
 

hopeless98

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I haven't always had these feelings. The only thing I can compare it to is when I was struggling with my sexuality in my teens and kept comparing between woman and man and see my arousal. If I didn't get the right "answer" as gay, I would self harm. It was like HOCD but backwards. Everything was close to the same. Looking at women and having reactions, looking at straight porn (not that I've done so with minors) testing sexual thoughts at night.

One day I remember saying, "if I can get an erection from something and look at this kid's toy I'm a pedophile, because after all, why would I keep an erection to a child's picture?" Fact is I did. This happened some time ago. Ever since then I've had sexual reactions to any form of child based interaction like TV, movies and series etc. One particular trigger was the Black Mirror episode Shut up and Dance. I visualized myself as the main character and visualized my mom talking and blaming me for atrocious acts. This stuck with me for some time. The reactions were sporadic back then but still just as unwanted in the form of semi erections when a kid was on TV or when even one of my nephews approached me, to which I isolated and didn't want to interact with my nephews. I didn't even take showers when they visited our family house because I didn't feel comfortable being naked when they're around. Currently, I dont understand why I have increased reactions of sexual and "romantic" nature with minors. These seem to be magnified for some reason. I fear growing attracted to children that I might have, which is why I dont want any. I also worry about when i have a boyfriend, will i have to interact with boys or siblings at some point.

I see my future with a boyfriend after all this is over. I feel like this is my last hurdle to surpass and reach true happiness. This way I dont need to keep posting to forums and start living. I just want to get rid of this and all I get is uncertainty everywhere.
 

stevet

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The fact you state “it would be easier for me to accept if I actually had an attraction to minors” leads me to believe you’re spending a great deal of time mentally obsessing about the matter. It’s time to bring this to a head. This clearly appears to be a sexual disorder that can have life-changing consequences, prison being one of them.

Check out OCD Center of Los Angeles and see if they’re a fit. ocdla.com They’ll work with you online, I believe. At this point, I wouldn’t let cost be a deterrent.

Let us know what you decide.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

Squid Jones

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Now that I think about it I actually used to know a woman on a different forum who had invasive thoughts of worrying she'd be aroused by children. She had a toddler son too so it really messed with her mind. She ended up seeking therapy for her fears and last I talked to her she said she no longer had thoughts like that. So yeah, that is a thing where a person might have an unwanted fear of being a pedophile. The difference bewteen her case and this one though is that, while she had the fear, she never actually became aroused by children.
 

hopeless98

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The thing is when something like that happens, my mind is pretty much forcing me to look, saying it over and over again until I do and I cant move because I'm focused on my penis and any movement whatsoever can cause erection. Mind you, this isn't a normal arousal response, at least for me. My brain feels like it's own thing, without regard to what I would actually pursue. I'd like to think that this arousal is a result of anxiety, since I believe that if in a hypothetical scenario thoughts with minors elicit the same satisfying sexual response, I would have discovered it earlier and find no anxiety behind it.

The thing that kills me inside is that it still happens when confronted in that situation when a child is present. Sometimes, when I try to "push" an inappropriate fantasy to see what sexual reaction I get, I end up repeating the thought over and over to see how far I can "push it" mentally, because, someone who's not a pedophile shouldn't have reactions at all. Sometimes the inappropriate thoughts cause weak arousal, not the same as with adults but it's still there. When in the physical presence of a child, I feel internal conflict between looking at him to assure that it's just a kid and that i won't get an erection, which sometimes happens sometimes doesn't, (when it doesn't I reward myself by looking at adult porn and "celebrating" that attraction) and not looking at him as to not engage. When I do get a sexual reaction, no matter how slight, I get depressed, suicidal and anxious. That's why I end up posting on forums to see if anyone else experiences this. Not because I'm fascinated by it or want to pursue sex with a child.
 

Guitarist41

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The thing I find odd is that you are “pushing” these fantasies on yourself to see what kind of a reaction you get. I’m not trying to come across as mean, but this is what I get from this.
1. If you are purposely “pushing” these things on yourself, it’s because, somewhere inside, you want to think about it. I could be wrong. Anxiety can certainly cause unwanted thoughts, but most anxiety related thinking isn’t usually something that we “push” on ourselves.
2. If you reward yourself with porn, it sounds like you have a possible sexual addiction. You’re rewarding yourself with porn because you didn’t get aroused by a minor? See how that could be a potential issue?
3. you asked why age was a question... well, if we were talking about a 17 year old minor... it’s different from a 4 or 5 year old minor. Don’t you think? It’s true that both are “wrong”, but you could wait until a 17 year old turned 18.
I think in one form or another, this is something that needs to be addressed. Whether through therapy, hypnosis, or perhaps through some other method.
 

hopeless98

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My therapist also stated that it is strange that I'm pushing the envelope on these fantasies. My reasoning is that I want to make absolutely 100 % sure that its something I don't want. Why would I still push it? Well, sometimes my mind asks "what about something like THIS?" And I think to not pay attention, but it nags at me because it'll show up anyway no matter how slight the trigger for the though is. It's all wanting to reassure myself that no matter how messed up the fantasy is, I wouldn't get aroused at all. THAT would be the ultimate answer. Sometimes I prove myself right and I can sleep at night. Other times, i get extra circulation down there and within 2 minutes I'm suicidal.

Could you expand a bit on 2 please? I cant seem to understand
 

Sar7747

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No one is going to be able to tell you for sure. We are not therapists.
I can tell you that I have what is called “Pure O OCD”. My compulsions aren’t physical acts but rather ruminating in my head or looking things up over and over and testing. I don’t struggle as much anymore but I went through some cycles of rough, tormenting times. Like, above someone talked about the fear of killing someone. That was my first OCD fear when I was around 19. I was terrified that I was a horrible person. Finally, after I had my 2nd child and had terrible Post-partum ocd, I went to a therapist and she told me what I had. I, in fact, am the least likely to do the things I fear bc I worry so much about the random thoughts that most people just think “WOW- that was weird. “ and they forget about it. If this sounds like you- go see a new therapist. You need to see someone who can help you.
My therapist also stated that it is strange that I'm pushing the envelope on these fantasies. My reasoning is that I want to make absolutely 100 % sure that its something I don't want. Why would I still push it? Well, sometimes my mind asks "what about something like THIS?" And I think to not pay attention, but it nags at me because it'll show up anyway no matter how slight the trigger for the though is. It's all wanting to reassure myself that no matter how messed up the fantasy is, I wouldn't get aroused at all. THAT would be the ultimate answer. Sometimes I prove myself right and I can sleep at night. Other times, i get extra circulation down there and within 2 minutes I'm suicidal.

Could you expand a bit on 2 please? I cant seem to understand
It sounds like you are ruminating. But again- I’m not a therapist. I just know that I have done the questioning thing you are doing about other OCD fears I’ve had.
 
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