I don't know what to do anymore

[jessica2308]

2 days ago I took an overdose. It didn't do anything so I obviously didn't take enough. I am getting abuse from everyone around me for lieing in bed all day and being snappy. Everyone has turned their backs on me i posted on my social media that I can't cope anymore and I have no1 and not one person asked if I was ok. I can't live like this anymore everyone hates me and I feel is be better gone as then I can't be such a bad person anymore. My doctor keeps changing my meds and nothing is working. I don't know what to do I can't stop crying or thinking about dying.

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[triceps]

2 days ago I took an overdose. It didn't do anything so I obviously didn't take enough. I am getting abuse from everyone around me for lieing in bed all day and being snappy. Everyone has turned their backs on me i posted on my social media that I can't cope anymore and I have no1 and not one person asked if I was ok. I can't live like this anymore everyone hates me and I feel is be better gone as then I can't be such a bad person anymore. My doctor keeps changing my meds and nothing is working. I don't know what to do I can't stop crying or thinking about dying.

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Hi and welcome jessica. I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier but I didn't see you had posted. I'm sure every minute seems like hours at this point. This is a very safe, and caring forum here and we'll do all we can to help you get through this crisis without judging you. Have you let your doctor know that you attempted to overdose two days ago? Do you feel up to providing us with a longer post with some background, like your living situation, the different ways you've tried to cope with your situation (therapies, medications etc.)? Work with us a little here and we can perhaps suggest some ways to get you past this crisis.

 

[jessica2308]

Hi and welcome jessica. I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier but I didn't see you had posted. I'm sure every minute seems like hours at this point. This is a very safe, and caring forum here and we'll do all we can to help you get through this crisis without judging you. Have you let your doctor know that you attempted to overdose two days ago? Do you feel up to providing us with a longer post with some background, like your living situation, the different ways you've tried to cope with your situation (therapies, medications etc.)? Work with us a little here and we can perhaps suggest some ways to get you past this crisis.

So I've been on medications for 2 years. Sertraline amitriptyline fluoxtine propranolol. Nothing is working, my mum and dad live 100 miles away my mum is dying from cancer and my dad has been hospitalised. I have a partner who treats me like crap and an 8 year old son who hates me as mother in law hates me and is poisoning him against me she sits him on his Xbox and feeds him as much chocolate as he wants so he never wants to come home where he has rules. She says I'm a bad mum. My doctor recommended therapy bug as I have to travel twice a week to see my mum it's hard to commit to l. My son was the only thing keeping me going. I have no friends and nobody to talk to. I lost my job due to anxiety and I just feel like everyone can hate me while I'm dead at least I won't feel it.

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[triceps]

Hi Jessica. Do you actually believe you're a bad Mum? I'm sure your parents' health is very anxiety producing for you.
One thing about suicide is that it's the worst form of revenge. (really not very effective) The people that you might want to hurt by it probably will hurt initially but life will move on for them, plus you'll never know what effect it will have as you'll be dead. Of course, as a good Mum, which I'm sure you are when you're not in overwhelmed mode, you also don't want to severely damage your son by permanently leaving him.
Can you think of anything you can do to improve your mental state just for today? Tackle something that you're upset with yourself for not being able to do right now? Perhaps take a shower, or get the kitchen cleaned up, go outside for a walk. Try to contact someone who still might consider you a friend?
Remember that anxiety really screws up your thinking, makes you paranoid and exaggerates every negative thought past the point of it being rational anymore. Keep in touch.

 

[jessica2308]

Hi Jessica. Do you actually believe you're a bad Mum? I'm sure your parents' health is very anxiety producing for you.
One thing about suicide is that it's the worst form of revenge. (really not very effective) The people that you might want to hurt by it probably will hurt initially but life will move on for them, plus you'll never know what effect it will have as you'll be dead. Of course, as a good Mum, which I'm sure you are when you're not in overwhelmed mode, you also don't want to severely damage your son by permanently leaving him.
Can you think of anything you can do to improve your mental state just for today? Tackle something that you're upset with yourself for not being able to do right now? Perhaps take a shower, or get the kitchen cleaned up, go outside for a walk. Try to contact someone who still might consider you a friend?
Remember that anxiety really screws up your thinking, makes you paranoid and exaggerates every negative thought past the point of it being rational anymore. Keep in touch.

I do everything for my son he means the world to me. It's just the fact he's being poisoned against me. I wasn't thinking revenge it's February just I feel everyonevwpuld be happier if i was gone eventually like you said people move on. I am fighting the urge. I've never and still don't want to hurt myself in any way u just want everything to end. I am going to take a relaxing bath and read a book to try and take my mind off things. I want help from a doctor or hospital but if I was admitted I wouldn't be able to cope with the why questions from my parents. It would make me 100 times worse. I'm also no longer able to take my prescribed tablets as I threw them in the bin yesterday after the attempt on Thursday to make sure I couldn't do it again. Thanks taking time to replying it means a lot.

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[triceps]

You need to replenish your medications as soon as possible as the withdrawal cold make things much worse for you. While relaxing in the tub, how about trying to figure out why your parents' reaction to a possible hospitalization is so devastating to you. I'm sure you're not questioning why your Mum is in the hospital with cancer. You have a mental illness and shouldn't be embarrassed if you need to be hospitalized. An illness is an illness whether physical or mental. I'm sure your parents would've preferred your being hospitalized to losing you two days ago permanently.
Our very best to you........

 

[guitarman65]

Hi jessica, sorry i didnt get to reply until now. Sounds like u got it about as bad as someone could have it. When we get down, it seems like nothing matters. It does matter, we just dont see it at that time. It sounds like u have everything out of whack at the same time...as soon as even one thing turns around for the good, and it will, it will make a WORLD of difference! Sometimes its a whole new outlook. Keep fighting and something is bound to get better, and thats at least something positive to work with! Thats all we need sometimes

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Hi Jessica - We are all here for you. I don't know if there is anything we can say to make it better in this moment, but just know that you are NOT alone in this. I'm grateful that you reached out and shared here - You are going through a lot!!

I haven't shared much of my story on this forum, but a few years ago, I went through a period where I was having constant anxiety and depression. My marriage was falling apart, my job (which I loved) fell apart, partially due to my anxiety. I was a long way from any family, and had some difficult relationships and history with them anyways. I didn't have anyone that I could talk to - my husband treated me horribly through it all because he just didn't know how to deal with any of it, even though he loved me. It was completely destroying my life. I was just like you are describing - none of the medications seemed to work. I stayed in bed most of the time, and I was dizzy and had panic attacks any time I tried to do anything. Over time, I thought more and more about death, and even dreamed about it and did some really dark research on suicide, etc. I didn't WANT to think about death, but it just came back to me over and over. I did some crazy and irresponsible things, and I'm lucky to still be here. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that I have been exactly where you are, and I can tell you that it CAN get better, and it WILL get better. It may take time, but your life is worthwhile, and you are worthy of love and respect. I am so so glad now, seven years later, that I survived that time. I have learned so much, and I have learned that most people DO care - they are just really bad at expressing it, and most people will stay silent rather than face the awkwardness of saying the wrong thing. Those of us that have felt desperate before know what you're going through, and we're with you!!!

I know it all seems completely overwhelming right now, but you are brave and amazing, just for reaching out here. I never had the courage to do that - I just hid myself away. The first step towards getting through suicidal feelings is to just tell someone. You've started that...I would suggest that you try to think of one person in your life that you can share this with - someone you could call in the middle of the night when you feel "scary." It might be a hotline number - are you in the U.S. or Europe? There are numbers in most countries that you can call and get instant advice and encouragement, and even connect you with resources to get some help.

You mentioned your doctor and your medications - switching meds suddenly or stopping them quickly can make suicidal feelings worse, so please be careful like triceps said above. Have you talked to your doc about how you're feeling? And how long have you been on the meds? for me, it took several weeks for me to really start feeling more grounded and 'normal.' Also, do you have a way to talk to a therapist or counselor? Just someone to talk through these feelings with...

Hang in there, friend - you are not alone in the world.

 

[triceps]

Hi jessica. Just hoping you could give us a short update on how you're doing today. You can tell from the other posts that there's a smart and caring group here that can more than relate to the situation you're in.

 

[Rosy]

Hi Jessica, You are not alone. All of us here have been, to some degree, where you are now. There are some wonderful people here who can help you. Listen to them. You will get support here. Sometimes when I am having a bad spell I will stop and remember something someone said on here to help me and I smile and think. I am not different or alone. That in itself helps. I'm not good with words but I know what you go through and just hope that tomorrow will be a little brighter. Just don't give up and don't sell yourself short. You will get through this. It takes time and determination.

 

[jessica2308]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It really means so much to me that you have all taken time from your days to read and reply to give me advice and make me feel better. Sorry I am only just replying, since the suicidal thoughts I've been that scared of doing something silly again I shut myself off for a couple of days. The feeling of suicide has passed, for now at least. I'm currently only on amitriptyline 20mg and only started 5 days ago. Not sure why I'm on it as it didn't work last time I was on it. I don't know if I go to the doctor again he will change them or tell me to give them chance as obviously they take 4 to 6 weeks to kick in. I'm so worked up at the moment as I'm in the UK and since losing my job I had to sign on universal credit that doesn't even cover my mortgage monthly
I have an appointment tomorrow to go in to search for work even though they know my situation. I've cancelled last 2 times and have been told if i don't go tomorrow they will stop the small amount of money I get. When I am in this state I can't even leave the house without having a panic attack collapsing and having a mental breakdown. Doctor has given them sick notes but they dont care. I feel that I'm this country there is no support for people struggling with mental health unless it takes away their capacity. Thankyou so much again everyone for your replies y9u have all really helped me as even though you are strangers at least you care.

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[He Man]

Jessica,
Praying for you. For whatever it's worth, I encourage you to pray that God will aid you with some peace of mind. We care about you & empathize with you..

Take baby steps to solving each of your challenges. It makes progress more manageable.. I also think that your family may be feeling frustration, but that doesn't mean they 'hate' you.. good luck, keep us posted.

 

[Rosy]

Jessica, I hope things are better today. Did you get to go to the job center? I'm praying you felt good enough to go. Please don't give up on yourself. Get back to a dr. and hopefully he can give you medicine to help. I know they take a while to work but he may be able to give you something that will kick in right away. Hope so. We are all rooting for you. Hang in there.

 

[jessica2308]

Jessica, I hope things are better today. Did you get to go to the job center? I'm praying you felt good enough to go. Please don't give up on yourself. Get back to a dr. and hopefully he can give you medicine to help. I know they take a while to work but he may be able to give you something that will kick in right away. Hope so. We are all rooting for you. Hang in there.

Thankyou rosy I appreciate it the appointment is tomorrow but I will have to suck it up and go to pay the mortgage to keep a roof over my son's head. I'm worried about telling the Dr I overdosed as I want to keep taking medications and find right ones. If I say I took a lot of tablets won't they take me off medication if they think it's a risk? I don't know what doctors do when you say you have thought about or arremotef suicide. I'd also be scared of social services getting involved aswel. I mean my son is at no threat at all and is a very well looked after child but I dont know what happens if someone feels suicidal and has children.

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[Hurt&Hopeful]

Thankyou rosy I appreciate it the appointment is tomorrow but I will have to suck it up and go to pay the mortgage to keep a roof over my son's head. I'm worried about telling the Dr I overdosed as I want to keep taking medications and find right ones. If I say I took a lot of tablets won't they take me off medication if they think it's a risk? I don't know what doctors do when you say you have thought about or arremotef suicide. I'd also be scared of social services getting involved aswel. I mean my son is at no threat at all and is a very well looked after child but I dont know what happens if someone feels suicidal and has children.

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That's a really tough question. Is there an anonymous place that you can call in the UK to find out? There are several members of this forum in the UK, so maybe someone would know more about it. I know that in the U.S., they won't report unless they think you are a current threat to yourself or to others. How they determine that, though, I'm not sure...

Please keep us posted, and let us know if you start having scary thoughts again. Like I said, I've been there - and once I got out of that mental place, I have never gone back. It's going to be ok.

 

[prismpower]

Meds might not be the right answer for you, or you just haven't found the right meds or dosage to take yet. It's okay, forgive yourself while you heal. The human body is really complicated. Nothing can ever be solved simply by taking a pill... maybe if you had some physical illness that could be easily healed by an antibiotic, but anxiety is different. It's very multi-layered, and multi-faceted. It is possible all the meds you are taking are making you worse instead of better. I'm not going to go on some anti-medication spiel as I know they help a lot of people (and I may need them too) but some of them do cause suicidal thoughts as a side effect.

No wonder you don't feel good if you are having poor relations with your family. That is a LOT of heartbreak all at once, and you just have to ride out the grieving process. I know you feel like you need to rest, but blocking the world out completely may not be the best thing long-term. Sometimes what helps my anxiety the most is if I go out and do things by myself and just for myself - to rebuild my strength and confidence back up. You are a loving mother with a wonderful son and you will get through this. <3

I know you want more empathy and compassion from your family but most people just don't understand. My own family tries to relate but they don't know what its like as they don't really suffer from anxiety like I do. They have often said things like I was just being lazy, but that's not it at all.

 

[Rosy]

H&H and Prismpower helped you with some good advice. I agree with them. I hope your relationship with your family improves. It goes much easier if you have support.