Helpppp.

[bigjetplane23]

Posted a while about a friend who ghosted me.
Well, back at it again and unfortunately, I am the one who decided to walk away due to not getting the friendship I wanted in return. However, I feel guilty and bad like I just gave up on a friend who has mental issues, like myself, over my own selfish needs. And maybe I just needed to “suck it up” and deal with the fact that they don’t care about me nor need me at all times, just when it’s in their conveince.

This friend will ghost me from time to time and when they are speaking to me, aren’t really interested in me and what’s going on with me like a friend should.
For example, attended a funeral months ago, knowing that they never asked me how I was feeling about it or checked up on me.
On the other hand, me knowing that a friend was sad and just went through that, you best believe I will be making sure you’re ok and reminding you I’m here for you.
That’s just one of the many things that make me believe this person isn’t a good friend to me.
Should I walk away for good? Or try and go back to them and out up with the “1 way friendship”. Another thing, when they hurt me and are aware of it, they never apologize. However If I do something and I know I’m in the wrong, I say sorry.
They do suffer from anxiety, as do I. But if I had someone that was with me every step of the way with this anxiety journey you best believe I would treat them right.
I just need advice. I feel like my friendship and kindness is being taken for granted however I just can’t seem to let go or walk away not feeling guilty because they have their mental issues as well. Help

 

[MATD]

It sounds like having a friendship with you would be smothering. You have to give folks room. Friendship does not involve constant communication. And it does involve not having high expectations, which it sounds like your expectations are pretty high. Anxiety kind of blinds us to social norms because of the state of our mind. We do indeed become needy because we have low confidence. We seek validation from outside ourselves. That’s where you need to start working on yourself. If a person seems to be reluctant in an attempt to form a friendship, that’s their choice. You can’t force them to be more than what they are, which is what it sounds like you are doing. If you want to be a real friend, you listen and offer encouragement without bringing your own expectations into it. Learn to validate yourself and you won’t be in such a state over this situation. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but trying to give you a different perspective.

 

[bigjetplane23]

It sounds like having a friendship with you would be smothering. You have to give folks room. Friendship does not involve constant communication. And it does involve not having high expectations, which it sounds like your expectations are pretty high. Anxiety kind of blinds us to social norms because of the state of our mind. We do indeed become needy because we have low confidence. We seek validation from outside ourselves. That’s where you need to start working on yourself. If a person seems to be reluctant in an attempt to form a friendship, that’s their choice. You can’t force them to be more than what they are, which is what it sounds like you are doing. If you want to be a real friend, you listen and offer encouragement without bringing your own expectations into it. Learn to validate yourself and you won’t be in such a state over this situation. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but trying to give you a different perspective.

Totally understand but a friendship is a 2 way street. How does that work then? I’m just on standby for them then?

 

[MATD]

When a person does something out of the goodness of their heart, nothing is expected in return. That’s the ideal formula. Friendships are built on mutual liking and compatibility to begin with and trust is earned and built. You are trying to make this other person be a friend and it’s not been successful. Your method is not working. And it’s entirely possible the other person just isn’t friendship material, especially not to your expectations. Sometimes it just doesn’t work for whatever reason. You don’t seem to understand that. Offering friendship is not always reciprocated in ways we would hope. You definitely show signs of anger when your feelings aren’t acknowledged as you think they should be. That’s a sign of low confidence in yourself. The anger is a reaction to being hurt/disappointed. You don’t see that your over expectations are setting you up for more disappointment and hurt. Take time to think about it. Learning to like and validate yourself is a key part of developing healthy relationships with others. Anxiety often blinds us to our own faults and we don’t always understand the greater concepts of relationships. You aren’t alone there, I’ve had my own issues with the same but I’m learning, and for your own mental well being, I hope you do too. Learn to love yourself and be your own best friend, cause she will be the best one you will ever have.

 

[bigjetplane23]

When a person does something out of the goodness of their heart, nothing is expected in return. That’s the ideal formula. Friendships are built on mutual liking and compatibility to begin with and trust is earned and built. You are trying to make this other person be a friend and it’s not been successful. Your method is not working. And it’s entirely possible the other person just isn’t friendship material, especially not to your expectations. Sometimes it just doesn’t work for whatever reason. You don’t seem to understand that. Offering friendship is not always reciprocated in ways we would hope. You definitely show signs of anger when your feelings aren’t acknowledged as you think they should be. That’s a sign of low confidence in yourself. The anger is a reaction to being hurt/disappointed. You don’t see that your over expectations are setting you up for more disappointment and hurt. Take time to think about it. Learning to like and validate yourself is a key part of developing healthy relationships with others. Anxiety often blinds us to our own faults and we don’t always understand the greater concepts of relationships. You aren’t alone there, I’ve had my own issues with the same but I’m learning, and for your own mental well being, I hope you do too. Learn to love yourself and be your own best friend, cause she will be the best one you will ever have.

I see where you’re coming from, I really do but what I’m also understanding from what you’re telling me is that you should give your all to a friend and not expect them to be a friend in return. And that I should be available whenever but if I ever need them, and let it be known, and they still ignore me, that that’s totally fine and If I expect for them to speak with me when needed etc, I’m smothering them.
This is the only friend I have had these issues with, so I don’t see how I’m the potential problem.

 

[MATD]

You don’t have to be a door mat. The ideal is unconditional love. No one reaches that. We are human with needs. You are chasing a friendship that isn’t working to suit you. Is it worth what you are putting on yourself? Find the worth in yourself. Then you will understand. Acceptance means allowing the friend to be who they are, warts and all. Accepting their behavior etc. You aren’t doing that, you are allowing their behavior to affect you. You have expectations from this person and they aren’t meeting those expectations, thus your frustration. That’s why you need to back off and reevaluate your expectations and yourself. You cannot force someone to be who you want them to be. Time to let it go. You can still be a friend but you don’t have to be so invested in that friend.