Toasthead
Member
- Joined
- May 30, 2020
- Messages
- 77
- Reaction score
- 42
Just found out today that my friend’s trip to Florida to meet his girlfriend’s family before they get married is permanent. I’m really worried about him, but I’m also really missing my best friend and I don’t even want to talk to him about it because I know I’ll just get angry and make things worse. He left without even saying goodbye. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I don’t have many other friends and as is I’m going through a bit of a mental health crisis before this news even got to me. All of this is happening while my aunt and uncle are visiting for my brother’s graduation. I’m trying so hard to put on a smile and pretend everything’s ok, but it’s exhausting. I just want to lay in bed and cry, but I have to pretend I’m ok otherwise they’ll worry or call BS on my mental health and make me feel bad for feeling this way. I can’t talk to any of them about this, and it’s just really hard to smile when you’re on the verge of tears. It’s so hard to crack jokes and tell stories when it hurts to laugh. I feel like I’m breaking down, I feel like less of man because I don’t have the energy to entertain or be my normal self. I want to be with them and hang out because they’re super fun to be around and I’m really close to them, but I feel more depressed than I have in a long time and putting on this act is really exhausting. Letting them in would only make things worse, it would change how they see me, I know it would, and it isn’t just my anxiety talking, they’ve made very clear to me that they don’t take mental health seriously at all or at least if they do they hide it like I have to. I know my uncle’s in therapy for ptsd, but he won’t admit ptsd is the reason he’s in therapy. You don’t quietly sob in the garage clutching the shell from your first kill and go to therapy just because you felt like it. Like me he’s afraid to admit that he needs help, and we both won’t admit to each other because we’re a lot alike and we’re both stubborn. Neither of us wants to be the first to admit any kind weakness. I feel terrible referring to it that way, but that’s how my brain sees it and that’s why I hide my pain like this. It’s just too painful to admit how much I’m suffering under this smile.
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