Had a serious breakdown tonight

Discussion in 'Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)' started by _Lukas, Nov 14, 2017 at 6:37 AM.

  1. _Lukas

    _Lukas Active Member

    I don't know if anything I'm saying right now is going to come out coherently because I just had a huge meltdown but I'm going to try because I really need someone to talk to. :(

    So I had a take-home exam in one of my classes, and I finished the exam tonight and it took me two and a half hours. The exam was in a Word document that I had to download to my computer. I'm doing really well in all my classes and I currently have an A+ in this class. I'm really serious about my grades and about school in general and I don't like to make mistakes on assignments. I graduated from college with a 3.8 GPA and I beat myself up constantly because it wasn't a 4.0 :(

    I answered all the essay questions and even every single extra-credit question on the exam and spent an hour re-reading my textbook and my notes to make sure I knew all the answers inside and out.
    When I went to submit my assignment to my professor, I realized that MICROSOFT WORD DIDN'T SAVE IT EVEN THOUGH I PRESSED SAVE!!!
    I got really hysterical because I spent TWO AND A HALF HOURS!!! working on that exam and I put so much effort and so much detail into it and I even did all the extra credit questions so I would have had like a 110% or an A++ on that exam!!! And stupid damn Microsoft Word didn't save it!!! >:[
    So now I have to do the whole thing over again tomorrow and make sure I submit it by tomorrow at 11pm.

    I started screaming and punching the wall when I found out that the exam didn't save, and I was sobbing hysterically and collapsed on the floor having a full-blown panic attack. I was hyperventilating and shrieking and I couldn't form a coherent sentence. I couldn't breathe and my heart was racing and I was shaking violently. Dave had to restrain me because I wanted to hurt myself.

    Now I feel really ashamed and really guilty because something as stupid as my grades and a silly exam really isn't something that I should have panic attacks and meltdowns about.
    I feel even more sorry for Dave than I do for myself, because I think I really traumatized him. He still looks really pale and shaky. He said "You scared the living shit out of me, Lukas." He was really sweet and understanding about it though and made me some tea and wrapped me in a blanket and cuddled and kissed me. He said we should both call out of work tomorrow and he'll stay home and take care of me and make sure I don't hurt myself, but I was like "NO WAY! I'm going to work. I'm not going to let a [effing] exam ruin my life." He's really concerned about me and thinks I should talk to my therapist as soon as possible.
    The thing is though, I'm not sure I want to admit this to my therapist, because I'm afraid I'll get hospitalized and I don't want to end up in the hospital less than two weeks before my wedding. I know that my meltdown was totally irrational and I feel very stupid. I can just re-type the exam tomorrow after work, and the problem will be solved- the rational side of me knows that, but the irrational side of me thinks the sky is falling and I'm going to fail the class and everything is going to go down the drain.

    I think I'm going to go for a walk with Dave and our dogs and try to calm down. Then we'll just watch TV until we fall asleep. I took my PRN a while ago so I think I'm feeling a little more stable now.
    I haven't had a massive flipout like this in a very long time. I feel very ashamed :(
     
    janemariesayed likes this.
  2. janemariesayed

    janemariesayed Junior Member

    You put all that hard work in only for that to happen. I'm not surprised you lost it.

    You don't have to tell your shrink anything you don't want to. Tell her in a couple of months when you are more settled after it. It's probably shaken you up a bit too. I know when I get like this it takes me a bit to calm down completely again. I think Dave knew that, and really the best thing is to take the day off and get your mind back to normal. It's only a day and no one has to know why it is.

    Don't feel ashamed buddy. You haven't done anything wrong. Remember you are not well, and the reaction you gave is a symptom of your illness. Sending you hugs, and do have a think about taking the one day off to get back to normalness. Your fiance would probably appreciate it because he is a bit shaken up too.
     
    _Lukas likes this.
  3. janemariesayed

    janemariesayed Junior Member

    Perhaps an idea would be to print out your work before you close down of a night? ~ Don't kick yourself, 541T happens! :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
     
    _Lukas likes this.
  4. _Lukas

    _Lukas Active Member

    Thank you, sending you hugs too!

    I ended up taking most of the day off and only going in for two hours to work with a relatively easy dog. I normally work 9-5 and I normally get the absolute most difficult dogs. It was nice to have a break after what happened last night.
    Dave was really hesitant to drive me to work even for a two-hour shift, but I told him I would be fine and I would probably feel better just from being around dogs so he finally gave in. He made me breakfast and coffee in bed this morning and we just snuggled all day until I went to work. :cat: When he picked me up from work he brought me another coffee and a get-well card. :happy:

    As far as the exam goes, I'm going to re-write it and submit it tonight, but I'm worried that I won't put as much effort in the second time around. :/
    Printing it out before saving it is a great idea, I'll definitely do that! That way if it happens again for some reason I'll at least have a hard copy I can bring to class tomorrow.
    I feel less angry now and more just depressed :( I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it because it was the computer's fault, not mine. I'm getting a new computer soon anyway so hopefully that issue will be resolved soon. I think this time I should get a Mac instead of another crapbox PC. I can't even play games on my PC without it crashing. It's about three years old and it's already past its prime.
    One of my friends knows a lot about computers so I'm going to ask him what I should do. I'm pretty tech-savvy but I'm not a computer miracle worker like he is lol. Unfortunately every time he fixes my computer it breaks again! It's not his fault, it's probably my fault for buying the cheapest computer I could find because I didn't want to pay for a Mac. Welp, I've learned my lesson.
     

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