Getting everything together… but triggers anxiety

[SB2017]

I had a pretty good year last year. Rarely ran to a doctor and only had a few worries in between, but nothing that consumed me. I took care of some important appointments - skin doctor, mammo, gyno, eye doctor, etc. I decided to lose weight and get over some of my fears (flying) and just live more. But it almost feels too good… like I’m waiting for the horrible diagnosis to ruin everything. A spot on my back keeps going numb, I’m freaking myself out over having ovarian cancer, I keep getting palpitations and I feel like there’s something wrong with me, I just don’t know what.
In the past, once I got doctors appointments out of the way, I would be fine. Not this time. Anyone else triggered by life being good and feeling like you’ll lose it?

 

[kammie72]

omg I'm with you! Last year, once I got my screenings out of the way, I was great. I traveled a ton, getting over my fear of flying and for the first time ever, flew overseas alone for work. It was a pretty good year. I'm now amid my annual screenings again, and have some amazing trips lined up for 2024. I can't help to think that one of screenings are going to be bad. I have a pelvic ultrasound and colonoscopy remaining. kids are in a pretty good place, job is in a good place, etc. I just wonder when is the shoe going to drop. I signed up for a half marathon in may and keep thinking, I might have to go through chemo instead of train. and it's so so sick because I have really good friends who are dealing with real tough diagnoses (one with brain cancer). I keep thinking, when am I going to get the bad news, when is it my turn? I've certainly had my share of tough situations (watched both parents die of cancer, husband had a mental breakdown and I had to divorce him and save the family from bankruptcy, single mom who got kids - one with mental struggles - through pandemic alone.

I just unleashed but what I reading from you is that it sounds like you're living life largely the way you're supposed to. You're staying on top of your screenings, tackling your fears by traveling and trying to live life. there's proactivity there that you - we - should be proud of. Our thinking just paralyzes us and we have to work on getting out of our own way. I'm not wishing anything bad on myself, but I know, just like what I've already been thorugh, if I did get one of the diseases I obsess and (sometimes) cry with worry about, I'd deal with it and think positively because I want to be here for my kids and hopefully grandkids at some point. But all the energy I waste on the what ifs.

Until then, we have to try to live in the moment! any good trips planned this year? If life is good, that's a blessing to be grateful for. easier said than done I know, I know!!!

 

[MATD]

It’s because, even though you say things are better, the fear is still there. You made strides toward recovery, but you just aren’t there yet.

 

[SB2017]

omg I'm with you! Last year, once I got my screenings out of the way, I was great. I traveled a ton, getting over my fear of flying and for the first time ever, flew overseas alone for work. It was a pretty good year. I'm now amid my annual screenings again, and have some amazing trips lined up for 2024. I can't help to think that one of screenings are going to be bad. I have a pelvic ultrasound and colonoscopy remaining. kids are in a pretty good place, job is in a good place, etc. I just wonder when is the shoe going to drop. I signed up for a half marathon in may and keep thinking, I might have to go through chemo instead of train. and it's so so sick because I have really good friends who are dealing with real tough diagnoses (one with brain cancer). I keep thinking, when am I going to get the bad news, when is it my turn? I've certainly had my share of tough situations (watched both parents die of cancer, husband had a mental breakdown and I had to divorce him and save the family from bankruptcy, single mom who got kids - one with mental struggles - through pandemic alone.

I just unleashed but what I reading from you is that it sounds like you're living life largely the way you're supposed to. You're staying on top of your screenings, tackling your fears by traveling and trying to live life. there's proactivity there that you - we - should be proud of. Our thinking just paralyzes us and we have to work on getting out of our own way. I'm not wishing anything bad on myself, but I know, just like what I've already been thorugh, if I did get one of the diseases I obsess and (sometimes) cry with worry about, I'd deal with it and think positively because I want to be here for my kids and hopefully grandkids at some point. But all the energy I waste on the what ifs.

Until then, we have to try to live in the moment! any good trips planned this year? If life is good, that's a blessing to be grateful for. easier said than done I know, I know!!!

Yes, this exactly everything you said is how I feel! I’m sorry you’re struggling with that too! It really is a horrible feeling to know that you have stuff to look forward to, and to be grateful for and you just cant enjoy it - instead you’re looking for how and when it will be ruined. And like you said, I see families that have children or spouses with horrible diagnosis’s and they’re out there living their best life.
We have a 2 week long Disney trip planned this summer and also a Disney cruise. Disney is my happy place and I just love love love anything Disney. I want to plan the details and look forward to it, but I won’t let myself.
I know you will do great with that marathon! We’ll all look back at this threat months from now and wish we got this time back and enjoyed things more. I know I felt that way after my mammo and sono!

Also, please tell me how you got over your fear of flying!!!

 

[kammie72]

Two weeks in Disney! So fun!! I hope you start planning and allow yourself to feel joy.

Oh, I'm still afraid of flying but I don't freak out about it as much. I focus on getting to the destination and then on the ride back, seeing my kids (I'm usually traveling for work or on a girls trip). When I'm flying with the kids, I don't feel scared at all because I'm with the only ones who need me if something goes down. It really is the more you do it, the less nervous you feel. I pray and say "we will land safely" affirmations.

thanks regarding the marathon! I can't wait to start training. I just have to get past these health screenings (and the fact that I'm still ever-so-slightly spotting from a pap I had 6 days ago - want it to stop totally) and I can really live freely and not be googling something every five minutes. I'm ready to focus on my running and fitness but healthy anxiety is getting in the way. crazy..I'm too scared about my health to try to get healthy...

Start planning your Disney itinerary!

 

[SB2017]

Two weeks in Disney! So fun!! I hope you start planning and allow yourself to feel joy.

Oh, I'm still afraid of flying but I don't freak out about it as much. I focus on getting to the destination and then on the ride back, seeing my kids (I'm usually traveling for work or on a girls trip). When I'm flying with the kids, I don't feel scared at all because I'm with the only ones who need me if something goes down. It really is the more you do it, the less nervous you feel. I pray and say "we will land safely" affirmations.

thanks regarding the marathon! I can't wait to start training. I just have to get past these health screenings (and the fact that I'm still ever-so-slightly spotting from a pap I had 6 days ago - want it to stop totally) and I can really live freely and not be googling something every five minutes. I'm ready to focus on my running and fitness but healthy anxiety is getting in the way. crazy..I'm too scared about my health to try to get healthy...

Start planning your Disney itinerary!

I can’t believe how much I relate to this!! I feel like it’s a waste to lose weight and get healthy because I think it’s already too late and I already have some horrible disease. Then I get mad at myself that it took me so long to get healthy and I could’ve done this a while ago! It’s just such an endless cycle.
I have a fear of flying but won’t get on a plane. Last time I did was 2019 and said I wouldn’t do it again. I would be flying with my husband and daughter and we all want so badly to see Disneyland but I refuse to fly. That’s a good way to look at it if I’m with my husband and my daughter that we’re all together!

 

[kammie72]

flying can be fun! I recently (dec-jan) went to south america and flew on like 6 planes. 3 of those flights were were over the Andes! It was beautiful. But for sure nervous. don't let the fear stand between you and Disney!

I have a few trips planned but all i keep thinking about are these screenings. I just scheduled an pelvic us so my dr can check on some cysts and a fibroid. that scares me more than the mammo and pap i recently had. praying nothing bad is found!

 

[SB2017]

flying can be fun! I recently (dec-jan) went to south america and flew on like 6 planes. 3 of those flights were were over the Andes! It was beautiful. But for sure nervous. don't let the fear stand between you and Disney!

I have a few trips planned but all i keep thinking about are these screenings. I just scheduled an pelvic us so my dr can check on some cysts and a fibroid. that scares me more than the mammo and pap i recently had. praying nothing bad is found!

If you know it’s cysts and a fibroid, does that mean you got checked fairly recently? If yes, let that give you piece of mind! I USUALLY feel better walking into a test knowing it was something that was checked fairly recent, since the chance of something popping up would be rare. And in the rare instance it does, it would be caught super early!
I am also going to my gyno next week because I want her to do a pelvic ultrasound. Convinced myself I have ovarian cancer because of clots during my period and peeing a lot (although that stopped). Always something!

 

[kammie72]

I'm peeing a LOT too but I am noticing its since i started stressing about all this so I'm wondering if its tied to stress!

I had a pelvic u/s a year ago (Feb. 2023) so not that recently! that's when the cysts were found and the dr wasn't concerned at the time thought they were cyclical and would go away. and my new gyn wants to check on them but doesn't seem concerned either. But I'm thinking, what could have grown since then? how fast growing are ovarian and uterine...ugh..the mind. so many people just live their lives and are happy without these worries.