Final warning....i think

[PRguru_cfj]

I found a suicde method that will hurt like hell but it will end my pain after a couple of seconds. I failed all of my classes and I am being held back a full year. I'm switching majors but even if I Graduate earlier I won't find a job. I hate everything and my self even more. I hate driving, I hate talking to people, I hate managing money, I hate the fact I can never end my pain becuase no matter how hard I try I failed. Myslef, my family, and my own pride and ambitions. I am ******, beyond belief and I feel alone. Thier is no god I can pray to. No justice I can have and I will NEVER forgive those who wronged me. Collage is about the bonds and connections you make not grades. That makes my skin crawl and proves that hard work don't amount to **** if thier is someone better.

So I decided that I will jump on the talst building on my campus and just end it thier. I don't want to find my so called soul mate, **** her who ever she is, feel the lonelinessI have suffered all my life. Don't want to braluve in dreams. Dont want to fight through the pain, I never do I run away and I survive just fine. The brave and heroic die first every time. I will always be lied to, as I will always lie to others. No afraid to admit how pathetic I am. Hell I have siblings would'nt bat an eye if I blew my brains out right indent of them. It will hurt my family members, but I don't care if other people get hurt. As long as I don't lose anymore.

I admit that there are others that have it more worse off. I wish I would be doing of somthing and they can take my place. All these advantages and nothing to show for it. Even if I have a partner she will leave me within a month. I sometimes like getting bullied, it reminded me for what and who I am. A worthless nothing who should have taken his own life A LONG time ago. If I had a hidden talent it would have surfaced by now. In my mid twenties with nothing to show for it. They say I have a bright future and they are proud of me. Al I have is crippling anxiety and a cowardly lazy exterior. .y therapist said I have a softness, its just weakness but in a more lighter tone

I can never help anyone so why do I help others. Why can't I be the monster I want to.be. to kill things, hurt them, make them suffer u till somthing kills me. If the world won't take me them I take some of it for me and me alone. But I just forget about it and distract my self. I will jump and it will all be over. No more stress, pain, anxiety, no more me. Just blackness and nothing. That's death nothing. Everything you worked for will amount to NOTHING in the end. I will be reduced to nothing but my end will be glorious and gruesome. But they will k ow one thing. I choose this becuase I wanted to. I was happy, but then 19 happened. I was planning to kill my self any way so why try if I know I am gonna fail in the end.

So that high ris building I dream about, crave it. And when every thing suddenly stop and speed up. Crack I'm done, it will finally be over. Nothing anyone can say can stop me. They would have to lock me up or kill me them selves I will finally achieve my goal that everyone says I do. Make things worse for others and I am okay with that. I refuse to be a loser so I would rather die then see another F, another scolding, another struggle. I am a coward, but this coward will finally get his rest that he deserves. NO one IUto bother me and no body to make me have negative emotions. They will be pain and suffering becuase of my selfishness. But th dead wo t here it. I will sleep for ever with out a tear.

This world is a joke and I am my own personal punchline. I was born, I lived , then splat. I will entertain one suggestion. Without god nor morality of the situation or thier is no where but up speech. What would be the benefit of me keeping on living while delaying the inevitable failure that is me. What can I possibly do, nah what could you possibly so to stop a person who gonna commit suicde within a .other and is fully prepared for it. Try to convince me, I dare you. But it won't make a difference I reckon.

1996-2020

 

[Cuchculan]

I won't try to convince you of anything. I know five people who have killed themselves. One thing they all had in common? They never said a word to anybody. Never told anybody of their plans. One was even considered as just missing for about 3 days. Then they found his body. Only thing I will say is that been around the families of all 5 of these people after their deaths was very hard. They live on to suffer. And suffer they did. You think nobody would miss you? Think again. You have a family. You have relatives. I would imagine they would all suffer if you killed yourself.

Heck we can all feel like sh!t at times. Wish it was all over. Wish we were never born. But here we are. Living the life we live. You think we all enjoy it? What most of have to go through on a daily basis. It is a pain. But we keep on going. No matter how bad it gets. We don't just give up and give in to it. I am sure there are a few good things in your life. That is if you take the time to look hard enough.

But I too have only words. Everything else is in your hands. A choice that will have a bearing on the life of many. You might not think so now. Or you might never get the chance to see what it does to others. Family most of all. Then it is a campus. I am sure there will be people around to find any jumpers. They will suffer too. Not sure if you have ever seen a dead body before? Not a pretty sight. Think before you act.

 

[Danny1001]

The madness you speak of we have all been there the place of rock-bottom a bottomless hole of dark black they can seem like there is nothing there but believe me look hard close your eyes and look hard because no matter how black and dark the whole is the tiniest amount of light gives you hope. I’ve come to the realization that life is chapters not every chapters good not every chapter is fine but I know one thing No matter how bad things are going to the end of the chapter and start a new one Life is a roller coaster we are on for the ride. This universe is bigger than anything that we worry about anything that makes us feel terrible sometimes I sit outside and look up at the sky and realize that the things I worry about her meaningless we are society of so much pressure’s We forget the important things so stop just stop and look at the beauty of the world Rose leaves falling from a tree the crisp air of a beautiful morning the sun shining One day you will look back on this Day and smile. Eye of the tiger


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[suzzeeb]

It doesn't sound like you believe in God, and I get that, but maybe if you just reached out to him once or even a pastor at a local church. I know that might sound useless to you, but it can't hurt to give it a shot before you make a final decision. The Bible says He is real and has a plan for each of us. It says we will all have trouble in this life, but in the end our relationship with Him is what matters. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching to anyone. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but I just think there is more help for you than you might know or believe right now. I have struggled a lot too, and sometimes it's super overwhelming, but I know this life will pass quickly, and I have a hope that there is something much better ahead!

 

[PRguru_cfj]

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It doesn't sound like you believe in God, and I get that, but maybe if you just reached out to him once or even a pastor at a local church. I know that might sound useless to you, but it can't hurt to give it a shot before you make a final decision. The Bible says He is real and has a plan for each of us. It says we will all have trouble in this life, but in the end our relationship with Him is what matters. I don't mean to sound like I'm preaching to anyone. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but I just think there is more help for you than you might know or believe right now. I have struggled a lot too, and sometimes it's super overwhelming, but I know this life will pass quickly, and I have a hope that there is something much better ahead!

I used to pray, but what good is praying when all your hard work is meaning less. I have to try hard in everything. I have to struggle with everything. I always make stupid mistakes in everything. I prayed once twice or more a day for my future to get better. Just some more problems and set backs, no results. What good is praying if I don't believe in anything

 

[suzzeeb]

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I used to pray, but what good is praying when all your hard work is meaning less. I have to try hard in everything. I have to struggle with everything. I always make stupid mistakes in everything. I prayed once twice or more a day for my future to get better. Just some more problems and set backs, no results. What good is praying if I don't believe in anything

Everyone makes mistakes - That's what it is to be human. Being good at everything isn't possible. I look around and see that most people are better than me at most things. I'm sick of worrying about not being good enough. I am enough just the way I am and so are you!! If you don't give up you can do whatever you want in life. I seriously think if you got around a good group of supportive, loving, encouraging people you would see yourself in a whole new way. It's hard, I know. I have a hard time connecting with people, but I've been around loving Christian people and it's amazing how encouraging it is to be around people like that. They will support and love you unconditionally.

 

[Cuchculan]

The fact the OP is willing to talk to us here in the thread makes things even better. No crazy instant actions. More wanting help. Which is good for the OP. Talking about things can sort some things out. Put a bit of direction on things. There are plenty of help lines out there. All you have to do is look for them on the net. Put in your local area. Get a number. Ring it up. You don't even have to give your name. Just talk to them. There may be plenty of other things in your home area you never knew about. Places were you can get some real help. We all had to reach out to get some help at one point or another. So reach out. Get that help. See what they have to offer.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I have therapy soon, both group then one-on-one. I will tell them what I feel. It will scare them and make them feel uncomfortable. But I always had that effect on people. Always did what I felt even things wrong. Only thought for myslef and just treating school as a chore. Treating people badlynbecuase I trust them VERY little. My problem affected my family and I embarrassed them. Now I am failing at the only thing I am in, collage, now I am switching majors to a job that I won't even be able to get probably.
All I have I am thankful but took it for granted. I pushed away potential friends and made a multitude of enemies. I can live with being a failure and not able to pay off anything. The way I see it I am ****** either way. Inambtiered of life and I can't even do the simplest of tasks. I don't want to keep trying and them boom I am thirty. I would rather die then live is disgrace and shame. I am fed up of trying and failing. I never succeeded in anything major only graduating high school and getting a shity AA degree in arts from community collage

So no job, no car, no money and still live with my parents in my mid twenties. So I am just gonna be I bent with nothing to my name working all my life to pay off an failed venture. All I have is my hobbies and my shiity sanity. I am still think of jumping even tho I am getting help.....

 

[suzzeeb]

Well at least wait until you go through several therapy sessions. You are so young. I've seen people with tons going for them not do anything with their lives and also people who struggle make a complete turn around and live wonderful full lives. It's way too soon and your way too young to give up even if you can't see it now. I know you don't care but I'm still praying for you lol

 

[Cuchculan]

I still live at home. No big deal there. Friends wise? Can't say I see anybody at all. No big deal there either. This is all about your own outlook on yourself. You are seeing only negative things in life. Because that is all you want to see. When a person is depressed that is all they can see at times. Something good might happen. But they fail to see it. because the mind is in negative mode. This is the thing you have to try and change. How to view things in a different way. Don't look at life as a whole. Take each problem, one a time. Work on one thing first. Instead of trying to work on them all together. Once you sort one thing out, only then do you move on to the second thing. When looked at all together it will always look worse. Be harder to fix. When looked at one thing at a time it will be easier to work on and turn around.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I talked with my group. And they were all afraid of me. They redirected me to another therapist for my suicidal tendencies. I was right, they didn't even try to emphasize. They were speechless even though I said all the dark thoughts and tendencies I had and the therapist helped a bit, but not enough from not jumping. Just pushed me back another month.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

No matter how many times people tell me your future is bright. No matter h bb w many times people tell me they love me. I can never trust myself or belive in my own power in my hard work. Or hell if the so called god told me the future and all the good things comming. I STILL WON'T BELIEVE IT. All I have that is truly mine are a couple video games, two shitty diploma, and my thoughts. I admit it I am selfish and lazy. But I refused to change. Becuase I know the result even if I try.

I don't want to graduate with a shitty degree that is useless and get a shitty job with me and a terrible marriage. I believe thier is nothing after this. You are born, you live, and you die and fade into the blackness. So i thought next year( two moths) when next term starts. I will go on the tallest building and jump off. As I bounce of the pavement with all the blonde splattered all over the place. It will be instant and messy, but at least I will get my rest. I will finally escape the future pain and problems and go away from all the things I hate.

I don't belive in anything. In people, in gods, and myself. I like movies, beach activities, video games, anime, eating. But that is not an excuse to live or a way I can make money . I have all the advantages in the world and nothing to show for it. Today's session with group proves thier fear and disapproval. I should have never trusted them and it proves they can never help me In the first place. They will probably call the police on me. I can barely do simple adult things such as driving and talking to woman. I AM IN MY ******* MID TWENTIES FOR FUCKS SAKE.

So I just gonna finish that ONE class I have left that I did not fail. Even if I marry the .most beautiful women in the world or win the biggest lottery I would still lose it all within a week. Most of bad t BJJ ings that happen to me are self inflicted, also I can never take bad news so no one tells me shot. I asked for help and they said nothing helpful. I am sick to my stomach just living day by day and just counting the days to the end. Filling my days with my hobbies until my brutal end.

 

[Cuchculan]

I think the group you spoke to were not geared towards what you told them. Some groups are aimed at what you feel like. Others are aimed at more milder things. Loads of people would not know what to say to you. What do you say to a person who tells you they want to kill themselves? At most you can say ' don't do it '. They are not experts in such matters. Never been a fan of such groups. Too many people in them. Only get so long to talk. I have always went one on one. That way it is only all about you. You are sharing only with one therapist. they listen to only what you have to say. They are not distracted by a whole group of others in a group. It is just you and them. Alone in a room.

Life is never easy. We have to try and make things work out for ourselves. That is never easy. It is always a fight. Especially if we have some form of mental illness. Always seems like a struggle. Like we are climbing a massive mountain. We are almost there. Then it looks like the mountain has gotten even bigger. So we climb some more. Then it looks like it has gotten bigger again. Like it is always just out of reach. Getting the right kind of help will get you to the top of that mountain. Let you see what is on the other side of it. To me that help is one on one theraphy. Not even sure if you take medication? If so are they doing anything for you? If you are and they are doing nothing, they might need to adjusted.

Fair to say your thinking is all negative at this moment in time. When like that nothing will seem to go right for you. Because you are expecting everything to go against you. That can happen. We expect things, in that sort of way, and they seem to happen non stop. Day in, day out. We learn to change from that outlook on life and everything in it and we do begin to see some good things. But we have to want to see them. right now you want to see only bad things. I could put some good things in front of you and add in one bad thing and you would only see the bad thing. Because that is were your mind is at right now.

 

[Joe diesel 09]

Man you gotta give the therapy a shot. It takes a little time sometimes. Im depressed too bro. I've fought this **** for 24 yrs. Can't say I haven't thought about ending it because I'd be lyin if I did. I take spells of doin better but it can all change in the blink of an eye and often does. But I keep fighting. I don't back down. Please don't give in to the darkness. It does get better. Life is indeed what you make it. We have the power. I've learned that finally after all these yrs.

 

[PRguru_cfj]

I messed up big AGAIN I let my dog lose again and the neighbor/ the animal control people said the next time a dog sets foot on their property we lose them all. It's my fault which is not suprising. Since I cannot go to campus this term. The next time I set foot on campus in maybe February or January i will go forth with my plan to jump. Only better version of me is a version that is dead. Cannot **** up anymore if I am dead. I bvb can rest nknowing that thier problems are theirs alone. I can finally rest and be with the blackness.
I day blackness becuase I don't believe in god anymore since he clearly doesn't give a **** becuase bullshits been happing to me ever since this year started. Now my family hates me for my mistake, I can barely pass with the degree I have, and on top of that expences for my help us getting alot more concerning plus student loans. All I k ow is I ****** my family and dogs. A stronger man would stick ot out and pray and hope for the best. But that wouldn't be the case if I am on this site.

So I am just gonna go to bed early or maybe slit my wrist in the middle of the night and not live with the fact my dogs are gonna get taken away. I don't believe in anything anyway. So why not save me the trouble and just end it sooner rather than later. I am not a good person, an useless people need to die out and make way for more deserving souls. **** the world.

 

[Cuchculan]

We will leave things up to you. We have done our best.