Feeling Hollow

[Howlingvapor]

Hey guys, been a while. So my girlfriend and I tried to make things work but it ended in disaster. The relationship fell apart and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t find the same spark we used to have. Then her friends thought I manipulated her into getting back together with me and they started un-ironically encouraging me to commit suicide so that was fun. Then they threatened to humiliate me publicly if I didn’t break up with her and block her so I wouldn’t be able to speak to her again, then I found out she really had feelings for some 35 year old dude and only got back together with me because she felt sorry for me. Not only that but turns out while we were broken up our agreements to not talk about it with our online friends and not date other people for a bit immediately went out the window for her and yet she was the one that made me agree to that!

So naturally I decided she wasn’t worth it anymore none of this was. I thought I was officially over her because she had hurt me so badly I didn’t want to ever be with her again. I even went on a tinder date with a really nice girl, but ever since it happened I haven’t felt myself. I’m not sad or even angry anymore, I just feel empty, but not in a sad way like a neutral way.

Even during my date I just felt detached from my own body, like none of this was actually happening. It felt like a dream or like watching a movie. I felt nothing and just did my best to project my personality onto the blank canvas that’s been me lately. I just feel like this life isn’t mine. I feel so detached from everything and everyone and every time I try to reattach I feel panicked and I retreat again.

I feel like somethings broken, but I don’t know what. It isn’t my heart, or at least I don’t think so because I don’t really feel sad. I just feel numb to everything. I find myself forcing smiles more often now. I keep entering this state of forced happiness like I’m doing a character in a play.

I’ve finally reached out to a psychologist. The wake up call was when I realized the girl I was dating probably lost interest because I had to fake so much of myself to make up for the fact that the real me just isn’t here anymore. He’s off somewhere hiding so nobody hurts him again. I’ve been trying to find who I am all over again but I’m at a loss.

I just feel like a robot, or a machine that’s only doing what’s necessary to survive and make money. I honestly feel if there was a way I could sit in my room, watch Hulu and never eat or go outside I’d probably do it.

I’m not suicidal anymore, I’m just sort of waiting for myself to come back online mentally.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone ever felt like this before? Is there a way to feel alive again? I’m just hoping this doesn’t last forever.


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[Cuchculan]

You have been through a lot. So start with that as a good reason why you are feeling as you are right now. That would take a lot out of anybody. All the messing around that went on. Ending things. Trying to see if it could work out again. Her friends saying all they said. Then your ex going on about getting back with you because she felt sorry for you. This is like a mental form of torture. To say such things to a person. It will only hurt them. But it will also drain them. In an emotional sense. That is something you never really mentioned at all. Any tears over this? Maybe that is what you need. Just to let everything you feel out from within. I am sure others have been there before. I know I have. All I wanted to do was scream. Maybe find a room and thrash the place. Just everything that I knew I was holding in. Because there is no way anybody can go through all that crap and not feel any kind of emotion at all.

This date you went on is not something I would have done so quickly. I would have held off on that one. Your mind was not ready / right for any kind of date. Is a fact that such things can leave people feeling numb within. Which is the same as feeling hollow. Without going too deep or anything like that, if it was a long term relationship, the whole love thing, it can be the same feeling as a death. Similar process we go through. There has been a loss. We need to grieve at times in other ways. Not just when a person dies. Hence I am saying similar to a death.

You simply need time to get over all the crap you were put through. The mind and the body need time to heal. We don't just jump out of a relationship and everything is great. Far from it. If it was me, I would be asking myself how I seriously feel about everything that has gone on. Then working on ways of dealing with that. How to release what you are feeling deep inside. Can take time. So take that time. But understand why you are feeling this way. It certainly is not for no reason at all. Even a good venting post on here would do you the world of good.