Toasthead
Member
- Joined
- May 30, 2020
- Messages
- 77
- Reaction score
- 42
I finally found an affordable online therapy subscription and while I’m excited to have treatment again I’m a little nervous. I’ve been through therapy before, it’s not first time jitters or anything. I’ve just recently come to some realizations that I might have a much deeper disorder beyond just anxiety or depression, I share a lot of symptoms with some really hard to cope with disorders, the kind that destroy your personal relationships and make finding love nearly impossible. I mean in the coming weeks I could possibly find out that I’ll never be able to maintain a stable relationship with another human being, that means I’ll probably never have a family. I already feel like I shouldn’t get close to anyone because the second I open up and they see the real me that’s losing his mind over every little thing and happy one minute and furious the next, they either leave me or they force themselves to watch me lose my mind until they just can’t take it anymore and then they leave.
If I have what I think I have people will definitely look down on me and be afraid to get to know me. I don’t even want to say what condition I believe I might have is until I’ve been diagnosed by a professional because it’s something serious and I don’t want to self diagnose. However trust me when I say that as much as I want to understand why I’m like this I really hope I’m just being paranoid and that this is all in my head because I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to be an emotional burden to my friends and family. I feel guilty just for being alive sometimes.
I find that when I peel back the stupid jokes and defense mechanisms that I may be a lot more broken than I thought. I don’t even feel comfortable discussing this fear with my friends because I don’t want them to think I’m crazy. I know that in the end therapy will help regardless of what happens, but I’m genuinely afraid of getting this diagnosis. To be told essentially that for the rest of my life people will find it extremely difficult to love or live with me would be absolutely devastating to me and yet relieving at the same time, because then treatment can begin and maybe I could get better. I just want to live a normal life and right now I’m not even sure if normal will ever be possible for me.
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If I have what I think I have people will definitely look down on me and be afraid to get to know me. I don’t even want to say what condition I believe I might have is until I’ve been diagnosed by a professional because it’s something serious and I don’t want to self diagnose. However trust me when I say that as much as I want to understand why I’m like this I really hope I’m just being paranoid and that this is all in my head because I really don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to be an emotional burden to my friends and family. I feel guilty just for being alive sometimes.
I find that when I peel back the stupid jokes and defense mechanisms that I may be a lot more broken than I thought. I don’t even feel comfortable discussing this fear with my friends because I don’t want them to think I’m crazy. I know that in the end therapy will help regardless of what happens, but I’m genuinely afraid of getting this diagnosis. To be told essentially that for the rest of my life people will find it extremely difficult to love or live with me would be absolutely devastating to me and yet relieving at the same time, because then treatment can begin and maybe I could get better. I just want to live a normal life and right now I’m not even sure if normal will ever be possible for me.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk