Don't know what to do anymore

[lostguy]

It's getting hard, I posted a thread last month about my anxiety and depression. I followed the suggestions in the comment section, it's not working at all for me. I feel like I'm about to lose my emotions, I stopped programming, a hobby that I loved so much.. I tried so hard to program something the other day, but my body and mind is killing me I'm losing interest. My school is about to start this september (Computer engineering tech) I got 4.0 gpa last semester, I was so happy after that day I was sad again. I keep having suicidal thoughts it's getting scarier. I'm on a long distance relationship and i've been telling my girlfriend about my depression. She started motivating me everyday, but it's not working at all.. to be honest it get worst because I started to feel bad, she's doing so much for me and she keeps crying because of me and she keep saying "i wish im there to help you" I hate myself, I'm such a trash boyfriend. Everything is so stressful for me now... I work 30-40 hours a week in fastfood (really stressful) to pay my bills and tuitions... customers are just so rude some of them are nice.. This is where I realized most people in this world only care about themselves. I'm just alone fighting depression and anxiety. I don't know if its too late for me because I get nervous all the time now if I see an opportunity. It's very hard, please always be nice to others. HELP ME

 

[Cuchculan]

All anybody here can only offer is more words. I have no idea if there anybody else you can talk to that you really trust? Because it is very clear that you need the right kind of help. Getting that help would be the first step to improving your life. But at times it can be hard to actually go out and get that help. A lot of people think they can deal with things alone. Fact is most can't. There is no shame in seeking out help. Because there are millions of others out there like yourself. You need to sit down with a mental health expert. Maybe start some kind of therapy with this expert.

Your thinking is all negative. You are not a bad boyfriend. You are simply going through a very rough time right now. You girlfriend is just concerned. As anybody would be. When we are down it is very hard to get back up. It can seem like everything around us is going against us. That is not really happening. That is just how the mind is viewing things. As the mind is also in a bad place. It is hard to see good in anything at all.

Finding the right kind of help is key here. It is out there. Just a case of looking around.

 

[lostguy]

Thank you cuchculan, but I'm scared asking for mental expert I don't want any of my family members to know because I know it will get worst for me if they know what's going on. All my siblings are all having a good successful life they're happy my parents are also happy. I have this thing when my family member get worried about me or help me my anxiety/depression go to its peak where everything is dark for me and my mind is full of negative thoughts.. Is there any other way for me to recover I'm trying so hard right now fighting. I don't have someone I can trust, I don't have any friends. My depression started when my family moved here in Canada I miss all my friends from my country. In Canada I have no one I can talk to or trust, all you do is work work and go to school. I started paying when I moved here (16 yrs old) I thought life would be good, but it turns out I don't have time to play outside or meet people. All I do is work, study(during school) and play video games. Life is so depressing

 

[Cuchculan]

That is the reason people get as bad as they do. Afraid to ask for help. This is not something you can do on your own. It is not going to magically fix itself. The way you are feeling right now, the thoughts of suicide. Would your family prefer you went through with such a thing, or do you think they would want you better again and still alive? Nobody really likes to admit to have problems if everybody else around them is doing great things with their lives. But at times we have to swallow our pride. But the bullet so to speak and speak out. It is the only way you are going to get anyway near better.

 

[imsotired]

aww I am sorry you feel this way. it is great that you are taking on this advice for this forum but try not to worry if it doesn't work out the first time. sometimes it will take a lot of practise but you'll get there eventually. I am sorry that you are struggling with suicidal thoughts/ ideation... I was dealing with that myself but never rlly told anyone not even my parents but I go through it.
what worked for me is writing a letter to the thing or the person that you are mad at then crumble it up and throw it in the rubbish. it is a physical release which helps many people. journaling rlly also helps me. getting your thoughts down on paper really helps me as it makes the problems more clear to work out. also in my room I have a wall of inspirational quotes that I have written in colour that means something to me. also having a gratitude journal is a life saver. there is always something to be grateful for. 'I am grateful to be alive'. when your suicidal thoughts come in strong just think how the other people in your life will feel and how they will feel also you will never meet more people waiting to meet you and love you. the response I have got from many families of people that commited suicide and survived is that they felt instant regret high there is a chance you might survive but not likely.
also I do the things that I love to do like playing the piano and guitar. music is very therapeutic

a lesson i have learnt from others is to just trust the process. take things slowly if you have to. talk to your boss if you can work something out to where you are not to stressed.

best of luck!

 

[Cirqueme]

Anxiety and depression lie to you. They tell you that you're not good enough, that you're not a good bf, that you're not worth anything...etc. that's a HUGE lie. Here's the thing, the suicidal thoughts are a lie also. If you followed through with those thoughts, you'd miss hearing your gf's sweet voice, you'd miss the sun shining on your skin and how sweet chocolate tastes. You'd miss out on not just the little things...but the things that stand out...the things that you hold close to your heart. Your future self wouldn't be happy is you gave up. You CAN beat this. It doesn't have to be this way and I know you aren't giving up...because you came here. You're reaching out and talking about it. You're doing the right thing. I promise you you'll gain your interest back with all your fav hobbies. You haven't lost yourself.... you're still there. Stay strong, you have people that love you. You're here for a reason!!!

 

[lostguy]

Thank you all for the kind words. I was having a hard time sleeping last night. I only slept for 3 hours I was on bed trying to sleep for like 5 hours. Thanks you thank you I'm going to keep trying.. I just can't bring myself telling it to my family. I'll start doing something that'll will help me maybe reading a book and build an app, hopefully I don't get bored. I'm going to start a new plan for this month and hope i'll be able to do it. Because of you all I don't feel alone. Someone do care about others, thank you. Outside it's just so scary so much selfishness and hatred. I'm going to try hard to ignore those people. Thank you for replying my thread I was very happy very happy

 

[imsotired]

Thank you all for the kind words. I was having a hard time sleeping last night. I only slept for 3 hours I was on bed trying to sleep for like 5 hours. Thanks you thank you I'm going to keep trying.. I just can't bring myself telling it to my family. I'll start doing something that'll will help me maybe reading a book and build an app, hopefully I don't get bored. I'm going to start a new plan for this month and hope i'll be able to do it. Because of you all I don't feel alone. Someone do care about others, thank you. Outside it's just so scary so much selfishness and hatred. I'm going to try hard to ignore those people. Thank you for replying my thread I was very happy very happy

glad i could help best wishes

 

[Cuchculan]

Why don't you make an App that can help you. One about metal illness. Were you can keep track of how you are feeling. not exactly like a jourmal. But you could add in a journal option too. Keep track of what times of the day you feel bad at. What you were doing before you felt bad. What you were thinking. In a sense you will be making to help yourself. Maybe the App can give you back some data. A pattern of your week. You might see that you felt worse at certain time. Then you can work on trying to do certain things at those certain times. Would be an amzaing App.