Don't know what to do about relationship

[Casabee]

Hi, I have always had anxiety, jealousy, suspicions, & trust issues in all my relationships all my life. They all start off great then i start doubting, not trusting and get suspicious and ruin my relationship where usually i bail because feelings start subsiding and i end up almost hating them. I always just wish guys were more sensitive to women and not do things that would anger them.

So after my last relationship i swore off any more relationships and just stay single. I loved it i had no worries and free from those types of feelings and anxiety. It felt good and i stayed single for about 13 years. I got involved in several acivities and spent time with my family etc...

Then a friend of mine introduced me to my now boyfriend. I started feeling like i missed the love, tenderness, intimacy. So i told my friend to have him call me but i wasnt sure what i wanted from him. I guess i just wanted the intimacy but not the relationship. After our first date he kept calling and texting me several times a day and before i realized it we were going places & doing things together as in my belief friends but then the day came when we realized we loved each other.

So fast forward to present. So after 2 and a half years together and we are in our early 60's we moved in together and now those old feelings and thoughts are coming back now and even though he's the most affectionate loving guy i have ever been with i am not trusting anymore because i caught him masterbating to porn on his phone which hurt me temendously because we were no longer having sex and now i realize why. It was because he was 'relieving' himself without me, depriving me of my most expression of love and i almost left him until he understood my feelings and swore he would never do it again so i could trust him again. Since then i am still struggling and always suspicious i just cant find a way to completely trust him now. So my guard is back up and my feelings are scrambled. Now after all this time he has text other female friends on the phone i am getting angry over it and i get all panicky when we get into an argument and he takes off and i chase after him. I so fear he will leave me permanently. At this point i just want to cry and im just at wits end and he can't understand whats going on with me. Im a mess. But i feel i possibly wouldnt be like this or this bad atleast if he hadn't been chosing porn over me.

I feel he still loves me so much and most guys probably would have left me by now but he stays. I just dont know how we will end up but its gotten to the point where i don't want him to talk to any of his friends esp. female ones and since we recently moved there is a young couple down the road and i have caught the girl and my boyfriend checking each other out by the corner of my eye ( my boyfriend has a flirtatious outgoing personality). I also caught him and my sister in law doing the same thing. So as to why my fears are peaking and my anxiety sky high.

Can anyone out there relate and give me some advice? Its driving me crazy and i dont know what to do. I have previously been to counseling 2 times in the past but it doesnt help.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Would be be willing to go to counseling with you to talk through some of this?

 

[Cuchculan]

The last thing you want to do is push him away. I am not sure if you ever spoke to him about your past? The whole trust thing. How you have felt in the past. How it made you put your guard up. Just so he knows and understand where you are coming from when you do get angry. That it is not a place you want to go to again with anybody. That you love him. But these old doubts have always been there. Long before him.

As for porn? One thing just to watch it and knock one off as you do so. But to refuse you sex and chose the porn was wrong. Maybe he has problems he is not telling you about. Certain things might turn him on. Things he might be afraid to talk to you about. As not everybody is open minded.

The bought of you might have problems that you are not telling each other about. So that would be a good place to start. To sit down and talk openly. You listen to him. He listens to you. That is how relationships work. Without the talking side of things anything can happen in a relationship.

 

[Casabee]

Would be be willing to go to counseling with you to talk through some of this?

I myself have been to counseling 3 times over the course of my adult life in relationships. To me its a waste of my time and money because i get no help. They just listen and ask questions but no help given. That's why im turning to this forum because hopefully i'll hear from other women who has experienced this kind of anxiety. I never knew i has 'anxiety' until i read online and knew thats whats going on with me.
As for taking my boyfriend to couples counseling i feel will get us no where just like my individual therapy.
Sometimes we find the right moment to talk about these things and even though i believe he understands ( he once took psychology in college) but he and i both know its my problem and he knows he cannot do the porn thing anymore because i told him in depth what it does to me and he seemed to understand. But i am still struggling over this trust issue. I was hoping after all this time things would change with me but i know now it hasnt. I feel like a child again.

I myself have been to counseling 3 times over the course of my adult life in relationships. To me its a waste of my time and money because i get no help. They just listen and ask questions but no help given. That's why im turning to this forum because hopefully i'll hear from other women who has experienced this kind of anxiety. I never knew i has 'anxiety' until i read online and knew thats whats going on with me.
As for taking my boyfriend to couples counseling i feel will get us no where just like my individual therapy.
Sometimes we find the right moment to talk about these things and even though i believe he understands ( he once took psychology in college) but he and i both know its my problem and he knows he cannot do the porn thing anymore because i told him in depth what it does to me and he seemed to understand. But i am still struggling over this trust issue. I was hoping after all this time things would change with me but i know now it hasnt. I feel like a child again.

Thank you for your response hurt & hopeful

The last thing you want to do is push him away. I am not sure if you ever spoke to him about your past? The whole trust thing. How you have felt in the past. How it made you put your guard up. Just so he knows and understand where you are coming from when you do get angry. That it is not a place you want to go to again with anybody. That you love him. But these old doubts have always been there. Long before him.

As for porn? One thing just to watch it and knock one off as you do so. But to refuse you sex and chose the porn was wrong. Maybe he has problems he is not telling you about. Certain things might turn him on. Things he might be afraid to talk to you about. As not everybody is open minded.

The bought of you might have problems that you are not telling each other about. So that would be a good place to start. To sit down and talk openly. You listen to him. He listens to you. That is how relationships work. Without the talking side of things anything can happen in a relationship.

Thank you for your reply Cuchculan i really appreciate your help with this.
Yes i have told him. We have talked about this several times. I also explained that i was raped and molested off and on for years. His response was that he kinda figured that but didnt want to ask me about it. I guess because the way i view sex and other things and my bad self esteem.
Your right i dont want to push him away like i've done to others before. I keep my guard up and protect my heart from getting hurt again.

I do talk to him about the sex and porn stuff. He had many excuses, but we talked about each one. Honestly, i dont think any of them were the real reason. I think its the excitement he got out of it but he promised me he will never do it again now that he knows what it does to me and how hurtful it is. But still, i am scared to death he will still do it behind my back. Im afraid to leave him alone. I panic over the possibility. Like when he asks me to run to the store to buy something for him. I refuse because my fear takes over. Im afraid that once i leave he will grab his phone and do his thing before i get back. Its the fear, my heart races, i tremble. I just freak out.

We do talk but we both realize we have to be in the right frame of mind to talk about these things. We cant talk after we had an argument but we try after a day or two . It seems no matter what we understand or agree with each other i just cant seem to let go and try to trust him .