Hi, I have always had anxiety, jealousy, suspicions, & trust issues in all my relationships all my life. They all start off great then i start doubting, not trusting and get suspicious and ruin my relationship where usually i bail because feelings start subsiding and i end up almost hating them. I always just wish guys were more sensitive to women and not do things that would anger them.
So after my last relationship i swore off any more relationships and just stay single. I loved it i had no worries and free from those types of feelings and anxiety. It felt good and i stayed single for about 13 years. I got involved in several acivities and spent time with my family etc...
Then a friend of mine introduced me to my now boyfriend. I started feeling like i missed the love, tenderness, intimacy. So i told my friend to have him call me but i wasnt sure what i wanted from him. I guess i just wanted the intimacy but not the relationship. After our first date he kept calling and texting me several times a day and before i realized it we were going places & doing things together as in my belief friends but then the day came when we realized we loved each other.
So fast forward to present. So after 2 and a half years together and we are in our early 60's we moved in together and now those old feelings and thoughts are coming back now and even though he's the most affectionate loving guy i have ever been with i am not trusting anymore because i caught him masterbating to porn on his phone which hurt me temendously because we were no longer having sex and now i realize why. It was because he was 'relieving' himself without me, depriving me of my most expression of love and i almost left him until he understood my feelings and swore he would never do it again so i could trust him again. Since then i am still struggling and always suspicious i just cant find a way to completely trust him now. So my guard is back up and my feelings are scrambled. Now after all this time he has text other female friends on the phone i am getting angry over it and i get all panicky when we get into an argument and he takes off and i chase after him. I so fear he will leave me permanently. At this point i just want to cry and im just at wits end and he can't understand whats going on with me. Im a mess. But i feel i possibly wouldnt be like this or this bad atleast if he hadn't been chosing porn over me.
I feel he still loves me so much and most guys probably would have left me by now but he stays. I just dont know how we will end up but its gotten to the point where i don't want him to talk to any of his friends esp. female ones and since we recently moved there is a young couple down the road and i have caught the girl and my boyfriend checking each other out by the corner of my eye ( my boyfriend has a flirtatious outgoing personality). I also caught him and my sister in law doing the same thing. So as to why my fears are peaking and my anxiety sky high.
Can anyone out there relate and give me some advice? Its driving me crazy and i dont know what to do. I have previously been to counseling 2 times in the past but it doesnt help.
So after my last relationship i swore off any more relationships and just stay single. I loved it i had no worries and free from those types of feelings and anxiety. It felt good and i stayed single for about 13 years. I got involved in several acivities and spent time with my family etc...
Then a friend of mine introduced me to my now boyfriend. I started feeling like i missed the love, tenderness, intimacy. So i told my friend to have him call me but i wasnt sure what i wanted from him. I guess i just wanted the intimacy but not the relationship. After our first date he kept calling and texting me several times a day and before i realized it we were going places & doing things together as in my belief friends but then the day came when we realized we loved each other.
So fast forward to present. So after 2 and a half years together and we are in our early 60's we moved in together and now those old feelings and thoughts are coming back now and even though he's the most affectionate loving guy i have ever been with i am not trusting anymore because i caught him masterbating to porn on his phone which hurt me temendously because we were no longer having sex and now i realize why. It was because he was 'relieving' himself without me, depriving me of my most expression of love and i almost left him until he understood my feelings and swore he would never do it again so i could trust him again. Since then i am still struggling and always suspicious i just cant find a way to completely trust him now. So my guard is back up and my feelings are scrambled. Now after all this time he has text other female friends on the phone i am getting angry over it and i get all panicky when we get into an argument and he takes off and i chase after him. I so fear he will leave me permanently. At this point i just want to cry and im just at wits end and he can't understand whats going on with me. Im a mess. But i feel i possibly wouldnt be like this or this bad atleast if he hadn't been chosing porn over me.
I feel he still loves me so much and most guys probably would have left me by now but he stays. I just dont know how we will end up but its gotten to the point where i don't want him to talk to any of his friends esp. female ones and since we recently moved there is a young couple down the road and i have caught the girl and my boyfriend checking each other out by the corner of my eye ( my boyfriend has a flirtatious outgoing personality). I also caught him and my sister in law doing the same thing. So as to why my fears are peaking and my anxiety sky high.
Can anyone out there relate and give me some advice? Its driving me crazy and i dont know what to do. I have previously been to counseling 2 times in the past but it doesnt help.