Could you live with yourself if you had an affair?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Dragonfly1, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. Dragonfly1

    Dragonfly1 New Member

    What if you had been married 24 years, had two grown children and realized that your marriage had fallen apart. What if you or your spouse didn't have one kind word for one another? What if you had nothing in common anymore? Then, you met someone...who gave you the attention that you craved and genuinely cared for you? Then, you spent more and more time together until one kissed. The next time you met, you kissed again, and found yourself just near crossing the point of no had an extramarital affair. I would like to know how you would handle this situation.
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  3. Rinka

    Rinka Moderator Staff Member

    Uh that is a hard but interesting question.
    i think that there might come a time in ones life, where you have to decide what you want for yourself. Do you want to live in a loveless relationship, with a partner, with whom you can't relate anymore or do you want to live your life and be happy with yourself and maybe be finally able to fully find yourself.
    Let's not concentrate on the affair but more on the person having the affair.
    As you described it the person has been in a long relationship, had children and now there comes a time, when this person feels that this is not enough. the trigger might have been the affair showing her/him that there is still a desirable person underneath the wife/husband, mother/father.
    I think that everyone has the right to find themselves and find happiness.
    If that means that a long term relationship needs to change or end, then that is what needs to happen.
    Life is too short to not be happy with oneself.
    Dragonfly1 likes this.
  4. Concernedgal

    Concernedgal Well-Known Member

    I once had an emotional affair. I felt so guilty. But, that's as far as I allowed it to go. My father cheated on my mother constantly and I know first hand how selfish an affair actually is. It effects everyone around you. As a child I would see my mother cry and be depressed and that'd when my dad wasn't home. And when he was... he was beating the crap out of us. I hate him for what he did . And I truly believe that cheating g is immoral and I say how dare the person that has the affair. Grow a pair and break it off.
  5. Dragonfly1

    Dragonfly1 New Member

    Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry that your family went through that. Trust me....all parties are being considered here.
  6. janemariesayed

    janemariesayed Junior Member

    It is difficult to say how I would act in that circumstance. I've never been unfaithful, it was my husbands who were unfaithful to me. I'm traditional with marriage views so I guess I would try to fix the marriage. I would stop seeing the other guy, take my husband to marriage counselling and start to date each other again. I'd arrange to meet him out at a restaurant with both of us getting dolled up. Then I would make the mood romantic with soft music and candles once we had got home. I would also get us both to have a separate interest.

    Whether it is football or a bridge playing club. Both partners need their own separate space to create interest between the relationship. It helps with conversation. Going out on a date once a week for example, with no one else in tow creates romance and nice feelings with each other. You build a history together. The first thing in a relationship is to eliminate any boredom and work at keeping that at bay while enjoying separate interests and some quality time together.
  7. bored768

    bored768 New Member

    If I found myself craving other attention, I would leave my husband. He had a year long affair and although he lied constantly, and I repeatedly, and naively believed him, I'd be so much happier today if he left me for her.

    Sent from my RCT6213W87DK using Tapatalk
    Concernedgal likes this.
  8. Concernedgal

    Concernedgal Well-Known Member

    That's what i'm talking about! Grow a pair and leave
    bored768 likes this.
  9. Kaynil

    Kaynil Member

    This is really hard. I want to think I would feel terribly guilty before reaching an affair. I want to think I am better than letting the situation go without telling my spouse. I'd have to first make sure the one leading me on is willing to commit to a serious relationship with me. I've seen people only for the adrenaline thrill of not getting caught and as soon as the married one dump his life they promptly leave realising they never loved the person just the idea of doing something 'forbidden'. So I don't think I would be likely to let myself reel in without suspecting this scenario. So let's assume that's been check and the person is absolutely beyond doubt genuinely into me. I would ask her for a small cooldown to sort my life and priority out. A month to spend with my kids and figure out where I am standing. I think having grown children make things easier than having this occur while they are just still kids. You don't want them to grow to blame themlseves for the potential fall out.

    Anyway, I think the priority would be to face the spouse. Time to open up regarding my feelings and situation - shame on me for not doing it before and letting things grow to this point - and be honest in that I rather finishing a relationship now that dragging her through this any longer. I want to respect them enough to believe they are strong enough rather deal with the truth than a facade. I will discuss with her the matter of our marriage and what we're getting out of it and depending on how it goes I see two possibilities:

    1. Spouse and I talk through where I realise we both want the marriage to continue and we arrange marriage counselling and stuff. after all, there must be good qualities in each other that brought us together and supposing we want to change the miserable cycle we let ourselves in. Maybe this was a wake-up call.

    2. It just goes downhill and reinforces the idea I had that the marriage has no salvation. That we don't care for each other and we have been together because we have to 'suck it in". I'd try to aim for an amicable kind of separation agreement. Where we can discuss our separation terms and sign the papers without much hassle. If that doesn't work. I just sign the standard divorce. I'd give my kids the briefing of the situation, that doesn't change they are my children and are more than welcome to visit and contact me wherever I go.

    Of course, life rarely goes the way you envision it. Maybe my romantic interest won't have the patience to wait for me a month to sort my stuff, maybe it will happen when something awful happened to a relative and needs me to be by their side for support which would make awkward the whole "hey, by the way, I am strongly considering to leave you" kind of moment. Or my kids will try to guilt trip me as soon as they learn my intentions or something... there is always something, but that's my rationalised - typed while on the couch - answer for you.
  10. Concernedgal

    Concernedgal Well-Known Member

    This is incredibly to the point. Have you been through this before? Let me be the first to say as a child that experienced a father that contantly cheated... we are OK with the marriage ending. If you get to a point in your marriage where you even think about cheating.. then in my opinion. .. it's already over. Having a conversation with your spouse about wanting to end your marriage. . There's never a good time for it. This other person has made up there minds already to spend the rest of their lives with you. It never a good time . But, then again you never know. .. he or she may feel the same. Sometimes I wish that my mother would have just left my father. I honestly believe that I would be better off mentally today. That marriage ruined my emotional health and I will never be the same for what I have gone through. It would have been kinder if she left him. It would have saved us a lot of stress and heartache. If the parents aren't happy together. .. then please for the sake of the children. ... leave.please leave. You will be doing them a favor. It's just not fair to us.
  11. janemariesayed

    janemariesayed Junior Member

    I just don't see the point in getting married if extra relations are still desired. To me, marriage is meant to be forever, not just until someone better comes along. Marriage is a promise that too many people break, like my two ex-husbands for example!
  12. Concernedgal

    Concernedgal Well-Known Member

    That is also a good point. If you don't plan forever. .. than don't promise forever. What kind of selfish ass hole would marry a woman ... have 4 children ...expect her to be faithful but, you don't have to be? That is what I have thought about my parents marriage. That's exactly how it was. And even though i'm married now and I love this man with all of my heart... I find it hard to trust, I find it hard to trust him with my emotional well being. I always a ssume that ,I to, will be burned by marriage like my mom was. Maybe I should try to trust him more but, I dont. If there's one thing I did learn from my parents marriage is what not to do. I will never cheat because it doesn't just hurt your partner. .. it hurts and effects everyone in your life too... especially the children.

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