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Control: The illusion that "controls" us.

Matticus1983

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I know it's a forum but here are my thoughts now that I'm out of an anxious state for a moment....
We've all heard that control is an illusion. So where does it come from and why do we feel like we must be under it's demands? I believe every Hypochondriac, at the center of his/her dilemma, has this universal craziness at the center of their unconscious minds. The ability to control outcomes.
Think of all the ways you try to control the outcome of your own mortality. We visit Dr's, wracking up medical bills, we obsessively believe our brains somehow have the power to think it's way out of any health consequence. If that were the case I'm sure Einstein would have lived till he was tired of the effects of gravity on his body. Some of us obsessively take multivitamins, go to the gym, wash our hands 20 times a day, we create rules and rituals etc, and when we dont do it just right, or something or someone gets in the way it causes more trouble, we get out of sorts and uncomfortable. Why???? We are the most obsessive perfectionistic people on the planet because of our inability to understand we cannot do a damn thing in the grand scheme of things to keep from dying, or to keep things in order/control outcomes.
I'm an artist. I learned to be a so called artist by drawing a straight line. Have you ever tried that without a ruler or a straight edge. Not only is it impossible, It's a waste of time, just like our worry and control. This disease is of our own making unfortunately. I believe whole heartidly there are some wires crossed some chemicals imbalanced somehow, but who is really under the wheel? Who's flying this 757? That's right we are!. And becoming aware that control is an illusion and we can no more change the weather or the wind in that 757, I think is a step in the right direction.. A pilot deals with things as they come, sure he checks his checklist, map etc, but understands there's a chance that everytime that plane goes up, he can't control actions of nature. Just like our bodies.
Im willing to bet a huge percentage of what we perceive as symptoms are no more than nature doing what it does. Our bodies ache, they twinge, they tingle, they can get totally discombobulated. But NO! We can't let that happen can we?? We've got to stand straight and tall and perfect. We also think our brains should be the same, without symptom. Then without symptom sitting in your rocker outside, something must be wrong, because your without symptom. Lol. You've lost "control" again oh no. God forbid our bodies might do what they do. After all we are all living organisms moved by outside forces. Why all this control.?
Fear. Something has absolutely moved our thinking in a direction where fear becomes the motivator of the illusion of control. Without fear we would not need to check our symptom checklist off everyday. All that would dissapear. In my case, It was the first panic attack, then the subsequent anxiety/panic responses that turn into obsessive thinking to "control" not having another one. Doc's even try to control them for you by throwing benzos and anti depressants at you so you can function. When they fail you fail, you've lost the imaginary control you thought you had.
Some days I walk out on the back of our property close my eyes and let the breeze blow me back and forth. I don't go anywhere in my mind, I just let a force outside of me control me. The wind. Sometimes it's enough to remind me theres a whole existence I have absolutely 100% no control over and then I realize my body is the same. There are no buttons to push, no switches to switch. Just me, and the world around me. I give the illusion of control over to grounding. A right here right now thought process. All my psychosymatic symptoms I cause, melt away.
Getting someone like the majority of us to believe we cause our symptoms is like beating goodness into the head of a criminal with a 2x4. It's pretty damn difficult.
My final thought on all of this.....
WHAT IF WE WERE OUT OF CONTROL.
AND IT WAS OK.
WHAT IF WE ACCEPTED DEATH LIKE WE ACCEPT THE VERY BREATH WE BREATHE.

Cause death is real, it exists, and we will die one day. We waste years for years in obsessive thought over our health for one damn moment in time or maybe a short period of suffering during death then we are gone for better things. So much time wasted trying to "control" the actual outcome that every human being will endure sooner or later. God If I could get those years back. But there's no better time than now to change. Doing the best we can is absolutely good enough. If we quiet our minds a little we would really know If we were sick or not. Our bodies would tell us. Mind over matter. Thanks I'm done rambling....
 
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kammie72

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Omg just what I needed to hear - this was awesome and you’re so right. I’m going really ponder this for a minute. Thank you!
 

helia

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Exactly! It's hard for me to thinks like this everyday but when my mind is tired i only think the worst thing that could happen is to die! I just wanna live 5 years without fear rather than 105 years of not sleeping and the fear of something happening to me !
I really needed to hear this from someone else!
Thank you so much!
 

mimifourtimes

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This was an awesome piece. I wrote something like this a few months ago. Only a few lines. Not nearly the post you have here. I am truly looking forward to living life knowing that I have no control over my life or death. But I certainly have control in how I feel about now. I will not allow anxiety to take away the beauty of this life that God has given me. I'm learning to see the beauty of it all. Extreme fear and control has no place in my life anymore. I have taken my life back. It won't happen over night. But it is worth striving to get there. I have and you will. You'll be so amazed at how much you are missing. Continuing to pray for all us anxiety sufferers out there.
 

Vincent

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Great post! Letting go for more than a minute is easier said than done, but I try to remember that each day is ultimately a gift.
 
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