Howlingvapor
Active Member
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2019
- Messages
- 143
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I’ve kept my severe anxiety a secret from most everyone except my girlfriend. I even set up my therapy appointments behind my family’s back so I don’t have to have the awkward conversation about it. I don’t like pity and also don’t like people to think I’m weak. I spent my entire childhood being told to man up. My whole family thinks I’m a whimp and I try to prove them wrong and my anxiety isn’t helping. The only reason I’m allowing myself to vent on this forum is because it’s anonymous. Even so I’m terrified someone will connect the dots and find me here.
When I was 17 someone assaulted my mom and I in a road rage altercation. He pulled over and my mom rolled my window down and stopped to yell at him and he started punching me through the window. My face was pretty banged up, but my mom’s hand was bruised trying to block him. I’ve always felt like I should’ve done more to protect her and I hate myself for not being man enough to fight back. My dad never said it, but deep down I could tell he thought I was weak everyone thought I was.
Since then I’ve had a tendency to avoid opening up and I have this subconscious drive to prove myself and protect my loved ones. When my girlfriend and I started dating I started having flashbacks to what happened, I kept being dragged down to that place of helplessness and fear. I felt like I was too weak to protect her. I haven’t had a flashback in a while, but they usually happen whenever her abusive ex boyfriend starts causing a stink about her on social media. Sometimes they happen just because though. Other times it’s an image or smell or random thought that triggers it.
I’m not saying that anxiety makes anyone weak. I’ve just always felt like I’m “less than” because of it. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just something that’s been ingrained into me as a kid. And anytime I’ve ever thought of asking my parents for help I always cringe. I was just curious if anyone else has felt the same way before and if anyone has any tips to overcome it and accept their anxiety.
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When I was 17 someone assaulted my mom and I in a road rage altercation. He pulled over and my mom rolled my window down and stopped to yell at him and he started punching me through the window. My face was pretty banged up, but my mom’s hand was bruised trying to block him. I’ve always felt like I should’ve done more to protect her and I hate myself for not being man enough to fight back. My dad never said it, but deep down I could tell he thought I was weak everyone thought I was.
Since then I’ve had a tendency to avoid opening up and I have this subconscious drive to prove myself and protect my loved ones. When my girlfriend and I started dating I started having flashbacks to what happened, I kept being dragged down to that place of helplessness and fear. I felt like I was too weak to protect her. I haven’t had a flashback in a while, but they usually happen whenever her abusive ex boyfriend starts causing a stink about her on social media. Sometimes they happen just because though. Other times it’s an image or smell or random thought that triggers it.
I’m not saying that anxiety makes anyone weak. I’ve just always felt like I’m “less than” because of it. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just something that’s been ingrained into me as a kid. And anytime I’ve ever thought of asking my parents for help I always cringe. I was just curious if anyone else has felt the same way before and if anyone has any tips to overcome it and accept their anxiety.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk