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Am I wrong?

suzzeeb

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So, I have posted many times about how my anxiety has been a lot worse since last summer, to the point now where I am feeling more depressed than anxious. Anyway, I know it is not easy living with me like this. I mean it has been hard for me to really make plans and go anywhere major away from home since last summer. So my husband decided to go away with some friends of his, which is fine really, but it is a 9-day trip, and it costed quite a bit of money (for us anyway) and for months was planning and buying things and talking about it. I started feeling resentful listening to all of his plans when he knows I can't go and how bad I have been feeling. He just left me here by myself to go off and have an adventure. Is it wrong of me to be angry? I know he shouldn't be unhappy just because I am, but I feel like he is just thinking of himself and he doesn't want to be bothered with my issues. I guess I am jealous because I have not really had fun in so long and just to hear him talking to his friends on the phone about what they are going to do and constant planning, etc. makes me sad and a little angry and resentful. I spend my days cleaning, cooking, taking care of absolutely everything at home even when I feel terrible, and I guess it just sucks that I can never go away and enjoy myself.
 

Aries

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What ever happened to 'in sickness and in health'? He shouldn't be spending 9 days away from you chumming around with friends if you are not well.
 

suzzeeb

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Yeah I know I would never do that if it were him, but I feel like I'm being selfish. I mean, it's not his fault I'm like this. Why should his life suck too lol. I'm trying to not be too upset about it because it just makes me feel worse. There's not a lot I can do about it anyway. He always says how much he hates work and he needs something to look forward to and he can't really with me.
 

Cirqueme

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Yeah I know I would never do that if it were him, but I feel like I'm being selfish. I mean, it's not his fault I'm like this. Why should his life suck too lol. I'm trying to not be too upset about it because it just makes me feel worse. There's not a lot I can do about it anyway. He always says how much he hates work and he needs something to look forward to and he can't really with me.
Tell him how you feel.
 

suzzeeb

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I think he has some idea. I told him it sucks to see everyone having fun and living their life and I'm struggling. I guess I never really said he shouldn't go. I think he would say that he works every day and he should be able to go do things and he would say why should he have to sit home all the time just because I have to, which is true I guess. I would feel guilty telling him not to have fun and I think he would resent me for that. I just need to get over it and accept that this is just how it is and hope that at some point things will get a little better and I will be able to start doing more.
 

Cuchculan

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It boils down to what you first said when he talked about going away for 9 days. If you agreed. Thus him thinking he had the green light to go away. Or if you disagreed, but he still went ahead with his plans anyway. What sort of messages were been put out there. If he went, after you disagreed, it is wrong to have done so. He would have known it was not something you wanted him to do. If you did agree and then had a change of heart, it is like mixed messages. Come the end of the day these are all things that have to be talked about. How you really feel. How he really feels. Not just either of you saying things for the sake of, knowing if you said the wrong thing, the other person would be annoyed. Both have to be very honest. And very clear on everything. So each knows were the other stands.
 

triceps

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Hi suzzeeb. I've had GAD since I was a teenager and have been married for 34 years. One of the reasons our marriage works so well is that I go out of my way to encourage my wife to not let my limitations keep her from having a normal social, family, work and recreational life. She in turn keeps in mind what is going on with my anxiety and my needs. She always stays in contact with me anytime she is away from the house, gives me an estimated return time and ALWAYS lets me know if she will be appreciably late so that I won't obsessively worry. I've become quite agoraphobic in my later years so she does things with friends, visits our out-of-town children and her family without me but never forgets to ask me if I want to go. She knows how difficult it is for me for her to be gone for extended periods (my wife and daughter went to Italy for a month as an example) but she does everything possible to help me not go crazy during her absence. Stays in daily contact without seeming annoyed, knowing how much it helps me cope with her absence.
I guess my suggestion is to approach your situation as a team, each communicating their needs and being as considerate as possible of each other. Each asking themselves how they can make their mate more comfortable with whatever the situation, whenever the activity is being done separately.
 

suzzeeb

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I guess I did agree at first that he should go and as it got closer I got somewhat resentful. Since he has been gone, I have done a lot of thinking about it. It really isn't his fault I'm like this. I think I'm so angry at my situation that I take it out on him a lot. There were a lot of years in our marriage when he wasn't the kindest person to me. He was very angry and verbally abusive to me and I'm sure that contributed to my issues now. Over the past couple years he has really been trying and has been a lot better and I think trying to make up for it, but I think I am still somewhat angry about those years, so it's not like he has been a loving husband to me for years and now I am treating him badly. I need to try to forgive those things and learn how to leave that in the past, but I think it will take some time because I do feel resentful after years of that. If I don't do get over it though it's only going to keep making me miserable and that won't help my anxiety either.

Thanks for your comments.
 

Pandanae

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So, I have posted many times about how my anxiety has been a lot worse since last summer, to the point now where I am feeling more depressed than anxious. Anyway, I know it is not easy living with me like this. I mean it has been hard for me to really make plans and go anywhere major away from home since last summer. So my husband decided to go away with some friends of his, which is fine really, but it is a 9-day trip, and it costed quite a bit of money (for us anyway) and for months was planning and buying things and talking about it. I started feeling resentful listening to all of his plans when he knows I can't go and how bad I have been feeling. He just left me here by myself to go off and have an adventure. Is it wrong of me to be angry? I know he shouldn't be unhappy just because I am, but I feel like he is just thinking of himself and he doesn't want to be bothered with my issues. I guess I am jealous because I have not really had fun in so long and just to hear him talking to his friends on the phone about what they are going to do and constant planning, etc. makes me sad and a little angry and resentful. I spend my days cleaning, cooking, taking care of absolutely everything at home even when I feel terrible, and I guess it just sucks that I can never go away and enjoy myself.
I totally understand where you are coming from completely. When you feel terrible and anxious it can be hard not feel angry or jealous or bitter by certain things. It's ok to feel that way, and it's understandable. That being said, it's not fair to him either. Yes, as your husband he should be there for you always during hard times, but he should also be able to enjoy life as well. You have a right to not want to go, but he also has the right to enjoy time out with his friends too. Be understanding to eachother. He's just excited to have time out with friends.
 

suzzeeb

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Thank you for you comment. You are right. I really need to work on trying not to feel sorry for myself when I'm struggling. My time alone since he has been gone has actually been kind of nice for me not having to worry about doing a lot, so I need to let it go.
 
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