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A lot more depressed than I thought

Toasthead

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I’ve been kidding myself lately, I genuinely thought that maybe I was just stressed lately because of the new job, but I think I’m legitimately depressed again. Nothing interests me anymore, it’s rare to find anything I feel like doing. I just have this knot in the pit of my stomach constantly. Every time I think about my new job or the fact that it seems my best friend won’t be able to hang much at all now, I might get to hang out with him this Sunday, but that’s it for a couple more weeks, when we used to hang out every other day. He started a full time job and now I’ve started one too, plus he has a girlfriend, and he’s volunteering at church all the time and it seems he really doesn’t have time for me in his life anymore, which is understandable I guess. He’s making things happen and I’m just barely holding it together, he’s outgrown me. I was so angry about the whole situation at first, but now I’m just sad. I feel worthless, it’s just so hard to keep my own insecurities from holding me back. I put on a brave face for a while to face the world so my friends and family aren’t concerned, but I’m hurting so bad rn and I don’t feel like there’s anyone I can talk to. I want to tell my friend, but I’m worried he’ll think I’m trying to make him feel sorry for me or worse that he’ll actually feel sorry for me and it’ll halt his growth as a person. It didn’t take long for being alone with both but my thoughts every day to catch up with me.

I just can’t take the nagging thoughts anymore, the constant doubt and self hatred. It’s like no matter what I do or how hard I work it’s never good enough. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but I don’t know how to turn it off. I feel like I’m a bad person just for existing, I feel like no one will ever really love who I am because I’m just inherently abrasive and inconsiderate, so the only way I can feel loved is if I pretend to be someone else. I feel like I’ll end up spending the rest of my life alone because I have such a hard time letting other people in. Talking to strangers makes me nervous and it’s so hard for me to socialize sometimes because I’m afraid that people will think I’m weird. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin for once.

I didn’t realize just how bad my depression had gotten until just a little bit ago when for the first time in 3 years I thought about killing myself. It was just a passing thought, I didn’t dwell on it for long, it probably means nothing, but I try to recognize thoughts like that and talk about them when they happen because it always starts as a passing thought. Please don’t worry about me too much ok. I know suicide is not a word to be thrown around lightly here and I want everyone to know I have no desire at this current time to take my own life. However the fact that I’m thinking about it again is really scary to me. The fact that for 10 seconds I even considered it as an option was a horrible wake up call I felt like I needed to share. I feel like I’m self isolating again and that’s what brought me so close to an attempt in the past and I really don’t ever want to go back to that. I never did attempt it, but 3 years ago I genuinely considered trying to overdose on my ADD medication, to the point I almost went to get the bottle. I hate that I ever felt like that was the only way to escape the pain. I hate that I ever considered such a selfish act. I hate that I can no longer say I’ve gone three years without thinking that way. I’ve officially relapsed into depression.

Is this my fault? I tried so hard to not feel this way again. I tried reading, spending time with my family, playing with my dog, I tried writing and being more productive, but it just kept weighing on me more and more until I didn’t feel like doing anything. Maybe I deserve to feel this way, I’ve been selfish in the past, I’ve hurt people, I’ve snapped at loved ones that were only trying to help, and I harbored anger and jealousy toward a friend that’s simply trying to get his life together and succeeding. All I ever do is compare myself to others, I only ever feel good when I’m better than someone else in a particular area. I have this desperate need to be liked that makes me do the stupidest things. Maybe I deserve this pain as penance for being like this all my life. I’ve changed so much this past year, I’ve faced a lot of demons and unlearned a lot of bad habits. I’ve become kinder and less angry, I’ve shown my loved ones the same courtesy and respect I show to strangers. I’ve learned to recognize my jealousy, my anger, my own self doubt and find the root of my emotions as opposed to indulging my impulses. I’ve done a lot to become a better person, but that doesn’t change who I used to be or how bad I was. I wonder if maybe I’m just meant to be unhappy and alone.

I really hope that this is temporary, that I’ll wake up tomorrow and be my normal happy go lucky self, because feeling this way sucks. When your own brain feeds you lies constantly you can’t help but start to believe them after a while. I know now that every bout of depression is like going into a tunnel, it’s dark, it’s scary, and sometimes it feels like there’s no end, but there always is. That’s usually the lifeline I cling to during times like these, the sheer fact that whatever feeling is weighing me down will eventually come to pass is comforting, but it isn’t a cure all. Regardless of when this will end I’m still hurting right now and I just really need support. I need to know that despite this back step I’m still moving forward. And confirmation that my depression is lying to me. I’m sorry this was so long, I’m not trying to be over dramatic, but writing things down helps me clarify my thoughts and understand myself.


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cheer_mom

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Depression is horrible and a liar!! You are definitely worth being here. I think you really need to get in to see someone about your depression ASAP!!
 

Toasthead

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Depression is horrible and a liar!! You are definitely worth being here. I think you really need to get in to see someone about your depression ASAP!!
Good morning, I’m feeling much better today, I may start therapy again in the next few weeks. I really don’t want to go through it again if this is just a momentary lapse in mood. I have better coping mechanisms than I used to, and what I’m going through now is rough, but isn’t nearly as hard as when I went through therapy the first time. Regardless if my mood doesn’t improve by the time I get my first paycheck I might start online therapy, it’s pricey, but with my busy schedule it’s probably my only option. I know I’m worth being here, and I know that depression is lying to me, that’s the main difference between me now and me three years ago. Back then I believed everything depression told me, but now as much as it can weigh on me sometimes I’m able to recognize it for what it is. I’m able to recognize that these feelings will pass, that my life is worth a lot more than I’m lead to believe sometimes, that I’m not as bad as I think I am, and that in the grand scheme of things my life is pretty good. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely free from these demons. It’s just something I’ll have to live with from time to time. As long as I know that I have worth and that my worries are temporary I’ll be ok. What was scary about last night was that for second I fell back into old thought patterns and I forgot everything I have learned these past few years it seemed.

Make no mistake, I am a lot better now than I used to be, the fact that I woke up this morning happy and wanting to hop on warzone and try to make some new friends as opposed to staying in bed for the rest of the day is a huge step forward for me. It shows that I’m not letting depression take me to that place and keep me there anymore. The truth is I don’t think I’d ever actually go through with any form of self harm, I have had passing thoughts about it in the past and once last night, but I would never go through with it. Mood swings like last night are miserable, but it’s nothing I haven’t faced and beaten before and it wasn’t nearly as bad as it once was.

The point is I think I’ll be ok :)


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cheer_mom

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I am so glad to hear that you are using your coping skills. I too have been in therapy and have been using my coping skills. My problem is anxiety. I hate the feelings too but I keep making myself get up and do better.
 

Toasthead

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I am so glad to hear that you are using your coping skills. I too have been in therapy and have been using my coping skills. My problem is anxiety. I hate the feelings too but I keep making myself get up and do better.
It’s hard, but I’m trying and that’s what matters. I try not to make excuses for myself, but sometimes I have to be reminded of my limits and understand that even though I’m not where I want to be I’m in a better place place now than where I was before.


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Lanchparty7

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I am doing therapy once a week through video chat. Staying with it even though I am not certain it will lead to anything but I at least feel better after my 45 minute gripe session and my therapist is not all judgemental ir oushy and he justs listens, which is what I need as I really have no one in real life to talk with about this stuff.
 
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