Getting so frustrated!

[suzzeeb]

So I have been taking clonazepam for sleep for a few years, mostly a few nights a week until last summer, which I have posted about before. I had a medical thing and it threw me into a bad anxiety spiral which has continued. Anyway, so several months ago I went to see my doctor and he asked if I was taking it every night. I said yes because of how bad my anxiety had been and I was too anxious to sleep. So he freaked out and said I couldn't take that for sleep and told me to take Lunesta. So I totally stopped the clonazepam for a week and took the sleeping pill, which really threw me into severe anxiety - I'm sure part of that was not taking any anxiety medication suddenly, and also the sleeping pill made me feel so terrible. I couldn't tell what was going on anymore or what symptoms were from what! So I went back and told him how bad I was doing and that I was shaking all day and couldn't take the Lunesta and that I wasn't sleeping. Then he said oh well you need to sleep. I want you to sleep so take a clonazepam at bedtime and if that isn't enough take 2. So I did that for a while and then it was too much so I tapered back to 1 1/2, then 1, and then just 1/2 of a tablet for a few nights in a row and then 1/4 and then in between I would need to take 1 whole one again if my anxiety was bad, but I was really starting to feel so much better, getting sleep and not feeling so anxious, and I was starting to feel more positive.

Fast forward to my last follow up last week where he again asked me if I was taking it every night, and I told him I was, and he freaked out again and told me I could only take Lunesta. It was like he had no idea what we had talked about the last visit, and I am so mad I didn't bring it up and tell him, but I always feel like he thinks I'm a drug addict or something and doesn't realize how bad my anxiety has been. I've only had this long of a struggle one other time in my life many years ago, and it was miserable, and this time at least I had a little medication to make it easier to handle. I tried the sleeping pill last night because I have not been sleeping again and I feel worse today than ever.

Every time I go see him he makes my anxiety 10 times worse again. I was so happy to be feeling a little better and thinking I did so good weaning down on the klonopin while going through such a hard time, and he made me feel depressed and anxious again.

Thanks for letting me rant once again!!

 

[Cuchculan]

Your doctor is a fool. He should have all on computer. All your visits and what he told you to take. I visit a doctor and he simply looks up the computer. He can see my last visit and what he might have said to me. Any medication we talked about. It should all be there on the computer. This whole thing of stopping and starting medication is never going to help you. You need to be on the one thing on a regular basis. Your sleep and your mood picked up because you were on the right amount of medication for you. Dose wise. The medication was making you feel better. What some people tend to do is think they are doing so good they don't need the medication any more. So they stop. Not thinking that maybe it is the medication working and making them feel good.

I take 5 different types of medication. Heck your doctor would think I was a drug dealer. Last time out there was an issue at the chemist. I was been given 2 things they have changed from other things. I refused to take them. Said I wanted what I take as a rule. I was not rude about it. I know what messing with medication can do. These are the times we need to speak up for ourselves. Tell your doctor you have anxiety. Not just sleep issues. If he thinks you have sleep issues, he will only treat that. With what you are taken, medication wise, if it me, I would have you on it morning and night. That sort of medication has a longer half life. Meaning it is a slow release. Two tablets would cover the full day. Xanax on the other hand is an instant kick in form of medication. Just showing you the difference between different types of similar medication. A person on Xanax, to cover a full day, would need 3 a day. Doesn't last that long in the system and what it does. Hence what you want to take is better. I quit Xanax to go on clonazepam because it does more over the full day. One in the morning and one at night for me.

Somehow you need to sort of the mess of the medication. Remember it is anxiety you want treated. Not sleep issues. Make that very clear. Make clear when you last felt well and what you were taken at the time. Clonazepam. You need it. But you need to find the right dose.

 

[suzzeeb]

He knows I have anxiety. That's all we talk about. He told me talk therapy is 50% of the treatment - Again, he forgot I told him I had been to counseling for years and started seeing an psychologist on the last visit. All he wants me to do for anxiety is an SSRI. He said he doesn't want me to be addicted to the clonazepam. I just have always had a lot of anxiety at night so it helps me sleep, and usually, prior to this last episode, a few nights a week was fine because my anxiety level was pretty low. Even now, taking it at night makes me slightly groggy during the day so relaxed enough that I really don't need to take it during the day. I have such sleep anxiety along with my regular anxiety that it just makes life a little easier knowing I have something to relax my mind. I've been calling around my area all day to find a different doctor to at least discuss it with, but I could find absolutely no one taking new patients so not sure what to do. When I tell him the SSRI makes my anxiety way worse, he said I have a medication phobia and it's mostly in my head.

I tried to find a psychiatrist to manage my medications but there are absolutely no psychiatrists around here either. My doctor brags about how good he is with treating mental health and that he almost became a psychiatrist - oh yeah, he would have been great at that.

I'm going to keep trying to find a new doctor, but who knows if they will feel the same way he does. No wonder so many people struggle with mental health - there really aren't many providers who know how to treat it.

 

[Cuchculan]

My point is for a person who says he knows a lot about mental health, he seems to have no idea how to treat it. You don't tell a person to take something. Yjem stop them taken it. Then put them back on it. Then stop them again. That is just asking for trouble. Should have you on something more regular. None of this stop / start nonsense. What you were taken is considered a very low dose of clonazepam. .5mg. That would do nothing for me at all. Granted we all have different tollerance levels. What I take at night puts me to sleep. I wake and I am fine. For years I refused medication. Always hated side effects and just the whole idea that the medication might make me feel a certain way. Took a few years to actually get me on anything. For all I am on, I never had any side effects at all. next morning I was wide awake. Not tired after taken medication the night before. i am not sure if this is something you fear? That the medication might make you feel you a certain way the next day. Just think of all the people who take medication in the morning time. Then they go about their normal day. For a knock out medication you could ask about Remeron. I would suggest the solutab. Melts on your tongue. Find out can you handle that. That could knock an elephant out at night. I get some amazing sleep because of it. But it is not for everybody. Some people dislike it. Case of just finding what is right for you. And in what dose.

 

[suzzeeb]

Once my anxiety is under control, my sleep starts getting better. As soon as he started saying he didn't want me to take it again, I got really scared thinking what am I going to do for my anxiety and then here I am again overwhelmed. I still have a few from my last prescription and he did refill a prescription for it, but I feel like I shouldn't be taking it because he is watching carefully how much I take, so I feel like I can't really take enough. He only gave me 25, so really what's the point. I did take one last night but I am such a nervous wreck over everything I slept for maybe an hour and woke up with my heart pounding and stayed up all night like that. I so want to be able to control my mind so I don't have to rely on anything or anyone to make me feel better.

I have a really hard time with medication with side effects, so something that strong probably would not be good for me. I just feel like I am in fight or flight constantly and the Klonopin helps me shut my mind down most of the time and then as I get more rest I start feeling better and calmer and like this past couple of weeks I was able to cut down quite a bit and feel ok until my last doctor visit. I get a fear response that I can't stop.

 

[Cuchculan]

Medication is not for everybody. I used to hate all medication. Took them years to get me to take any at all. I would live with my anxiety. Find my own way around things. Nice way of saying I would suffer what the anxiety brought on. Rather than take medication.

No doctor should judge a patient at all. Simple as that. You are going to him for help. Not to be judged. What he gives you per visit to take, he expects you to use that amount. If he wanted you to use less he would not give what he does. He is not counting. He gave you a set amount. What you do take is a very small amount. Nothing to be ashamed of there. I take 3 in the morning ( 1.5 mg ) and 2 at night ( 1mg ). Add the Remeron to that at night. Valium in the afternoon. Plus two other ones for different things.

You know what is best for you. We all know our own bodies.

 

[suzzeeb]

I was so upset this morning that I made an appointment to talk to him. He actually had something open today so we did a virtual appointment over the phone. He told me the reason he told me to take them at the previous visit was because I was sleep deprived but he didn't want me to take them for sleep because I would never be able to sleep on my own then (that ship has probably already sailed). Even though I told him it was as much for anxiety as sleep and that I had been lowering the dose he does not want me to take it at night and is going to call in Restoril which he said was in the benzodiazepine family but just with a shorter half life and if I need klonopin for anxiety during the day I can take 1/2 of one, and he still wants me to take the Prozac. I told him I won't take the Prozac until my anxiety level goes down because I know I will feel worse on it. I told him I was doing well until our last visit because he made me feel like I was looking for drugs and he said he has never thought that about me. Whatever. Is it really that big of a deal if I take Klonopin to calm down at night? I still think I need to keep looking for a new doctor just for a second opinion.

 

[Cuchculan]

Well you done well expressing yourself. Telling him how you feel. What was on your mind. You can be proud of yourself for doing that much alone. A lot of people would have let it drop. So well done. The only thing I can add in is if he still gave you the medication, as he mentioned to use during the day, continue as you had been. Who is to know? Just you. If you do have to see him again tell him you used it during the day. But be on the look out for a new doctor. Though some are totally against some forms of medication. One issue we might come up against at times. But you done great speaking up like you did.

 

[suzzeeb]

Thanks. I still feel like he has no idea what I am going through but at least I felt a little better trying to let him know.

What I don't understand is how I was feeling pretty good right before the visit and feeling like I was starting to get back on track and then as soon as I left his office I completely went back to being afraid and I've stayed like that. It's like before I went to see him I felt like I was taking control by lowering my medication and felt confident about sleeping and everything, and then as soon as he acted like I was doing something wrong and he wanted to change everything again, I totally lost it and all the fear about being addicted to klonopin came raging back. I don't get why he wasn't just happy I was doing better. But really what does that say about how weird I am that I wouldn't just say who cares what he thinks I'm doing well and I'll just keep doing it but I have fallen apart over a few minute visit.

 

[Cuchculan]

When you met him he made a few changes you did not like. Not wanting you take what you wanted to take. Saying you should be on something else. He made it feel like he was watching you closely. This would have made you think. It could have made you uneasy. But you stood up to him and had your say. So come the end of it all you did take control back from him. Just try and remember that. What you done was good. He made you feel bad for doing what you knew was right for you. But you didn't take his BS. You had you words with him again. You said your piece. It shows what you can do. That you do have power. You do have control. You are stronger than you might think.

 

[suzzeeb]

Thank you for making me feel better. I appreciate the time you take to respond.