Yet another irrational anxiety

[heroiceroica]

My father is a horrible man who used to abuse me and my mother before she divorced him. I won’t get into the details of what he was like, but for some reason the thought that his blood is in my body sickens me. It’s kept me up for a few nights and I can’t help but feel an intense urge to hurt myself or something around me whenever it pops up in my head. I’m probably just overthinking, but the thought bothers me to no end and it has since I was a child.

 

[Bobnnat]

Erica,

You are incredibly better than he was as a person. You are not your father. You will never become the person he was. In fact, I know many people who consciously behave in the precise opposite of a mother or father that caused them grief.

For example, many people who were physically abused vow never to touch their child in a negative way..no spanking, and no verbal abuse. Whatever happened in the past made you strong. Strong so you will work hard, harder than a “typical” person to be a good, moral person and a good parent.

The ultimate repudiation of your father is to live your life opposite of what he was.

 

[MainerMikeBrown]

Heroiceroica, I'm sorry that your father was the way he was. I don't blame you for being angry at him. It's okay to feel angry.

 

[Vincent]

I'm sorry to hear about what you experienced with your father. There are plenty of people with a parent who has done terrible things, and those people have demonstrated throughout there lives that they aren't their parent. Likewise, your feelings about your father demonstrate that you aren't the same person he is.

Rather than fretting the blood connection (the nature side), I'd focus on the lack of an example of healthy fatherhood (the nurture side). Despite recognizing the dysfunction in their childhood and being determined not to repeat it, sometimes people fall into some of those patterns anyway. If you haven't read any books on being the child of a toxic or abusive parent, that might be a good first step. Of course, there's also counseling.

 

[Joshua1]

My father is a horrible man who used to abuse me and my mother before she divorced him. I won’t get into the details of what he was like, but for some reason the thought that his blood is in my body sickens me. It’s kept me up for a few nights and I can’t help but feel an intense urge to hurt myself or something around me whenever it pops up in my head. I’m probably just overthinking, but the thought bothers me to no end and it has since I was a child.

That is the thing, hating your dad, is drinking a poison while looking at him. You must forget and forget what he did. There is nothing good about holding onto ill feelings, you do not need or want to go to prison either. My uncle was a pain in the backside when i was young, still is. But i forgive and forget, he was so bad that my brothers and sisters hate him. I do not hate him or like him, i do not hold ill feelings towards him either. I urge you to do the same.