Will things get better

[Jenn046228]

Hi everyone, I am depressed today. I have no friends and I worry to much. I feel as thought people only treat me kindly because of my son. I do not feel like I am a good mom anymore nor do I feel as though I am a good person. I feel worthless and alone no matter what I do. I feel people do not understand me and yet I put a smile on my face everyday to make people think I am okay. I have played the game of pretend for far too long and now I am tired. As the days go on, I grow more and more tired and I am starting to sleep more and more. My bills are piling up as well as homework and my son is constantly calling my name. Last year i suffered two miscarriages, lost a job, lost my car and suffer from depression/anxiety. I will be in my mid-30's this year and I nothing to show as my life accomplishments. I am a veteran of the U.S. military but i feel as thought i am nothing. I am lost right now and do not know where to run! I hide away and cry most days so people cannot see me and pretend i am okay! How can I be okay?

 

[Kelculator]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Depression is awful. Feeling like this is awful.
You don't have to force yourself into being okay, and when you need it, let the tears flow. Understand that this is depression talking, and you are only being subjectively hateful towards yourself. If a thought really bothers you, go ask a supportive person (because some people are just mean for no reason and can only make you feel worse-- they dislike you not because you are a bad person, just that they choose to dislike you for no apparent reason) whether they view you this way, or if you really deserve the hatred you are putting on yourself.
I have really bad days too, so I understand feeling like you are absolute garbage and undeserving of love. Subjectively, I'm telling your serotonin-lacking brain to be nicer to you, because you don't deserve feeling this horribly. Miscarriages aren't your fault, and I'm so sorry for your loss. Suffering from depression and anxiety isn't your fault, your brain made you feel this way because of chemical imbalances. I'm only not mentioning the job and car part NOT because you should blame yourself, but rather because I know your brain already have made up reasons why it is indeed your fault and I don't want my statements to be unconvincing to you.
Given your situation, I can see they are definitely adding to your depression, or even be the cause of it. If if you can't care about yourself right now, I care about you. People on this site care about you. Your son loves you even if it doesn't seem like in times. Hang in there. I'm here for you.

 

[Jenn046228]

Thank you for your kind and gentle words. There are times when I feel so lost and cannot seem to find my way out, almost like I'm drowning in the dark abyss alone...I know that your words were not meant to hurt me and I thank you for that. Thank you so much for caring about me and others and most importantly about yourself.

 

[Kelculator]

Thank you for your kind and gentle words. There are times when I feel so lost and cannot seem to find my way out, almost like I'm drowning in the dark abyss alone...I know that your words were not meant to hurt me and I thank you for that. Thank you so much for caring about me and others and most importantly about yourself.

Hey no problem okay? Whenever you can't seem to take it any longer, remember there is always a way out that your brain is not allowing you to see in that moment, yet, and that you can always talk to people who listen.

 

[Jenn046228]

Kelculator there are time when no seems to be listening to me and I feel alone. I feel like sometimes I am not meant to have feelings and I' m suppose to be a tin-man when I am not. I often feel lost and confused and do not know what I am doing or where I am going anymore. All I want to do is lock myself away and be alone, but I know I cannot do that because I have a son to raise. I bend over backwards for those I love only to get my feeling hurt in the end and they do not seem to care. I feel as though the world is caving in on me at time and do not know what to do or where to run.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Hi @Jenn046228 - You are NOT alone. I'm so sorry you feel so alone right now - you are worthy of love and care through this, and you are not a bad mom (you wouldn't worry about being a bad mom if you were). Do you have any kind of help right now, like a therapist, or someone to talk to?

I am also so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had a miscarriage three years ago, and it took me several months to get through the depression afterwards. You basically go through grief and post-partum depression at the same time. And others around you really don't understand what you're going through - people say things like "you'll have another one" and "it was just meant to be." They mean well, but it's so incredibly hurtful. Is it possible that that's part of what you're going through now? It may not be the root of everything, but the chemical things happening in your body can definitely make you feel worse. Hang in there - you are not alone.

 

[Kelculator]

Kelculator there are time when no seems to be listening to me and I feel alone. I feel like sometimes I am not meant to have feelings and I' m suppose to be a tin-man when I am not. I often feel lost and confused and do not know what I am doing or where I am going anymore. All I want to do is lock myself away and be alone, but I know I cannot do that because I have a son to raise. I bend over backwards for those I love only to get my feeling hurt in the end and they do not seem to care. I feel as though the world is caving in on me at time and do not know what to do or where to run.

It is your depression talking. And ugh, I wish I can come over and punch your depression in the face because it is so not true. I am almost in the exact situation, because your last two sentences really got to me. Depression and anxiety have the power to block away all the possible roads you can take. I have revisited moments when I was in a horrible mental state and realized how much help and options that were available for me. I can name some here: maybe join a few more forums, download self care apps, keep a daily journal on here-- hey, I would read that, run out, get lost and have a "you" day... and more. I'm sending you the biggest hug.

 

[Jenn046228]

Thank you so much, I needed that! Thanks for all of your help!