why do I torture myself about the past?

[Peacelily]

I went on Facebook this morning and looked up about 20 people who I knew ten years ago, who I fell out with for multiple reasons (some I just lost touch with, some I had disagreements with).

That led me down a rabbit hole of regret, where I spent the entire morning dwelling on ALL of my failed friendships over the past twenty-years. I know on an intellectual level how self-destructive "dwelling" can be; especially when it's about past relationships that have no chance of renewing or being repaired. All of these people's lives have changed for the positive; some have married and had children, changed careers, grown careers, traveled. But me? I'm STILL stuck doing nothing to achieve the goals that I set for myself. It's like I'm stuck and can't get unstuck. And I've seen therapists about this, read books, listened to podcasts, tried classes...all to no avail. I'm still stuck. And I don't know how to get unstuck. I don't know how to pursue the things I want to here, knowing all of these people who hate me, will try to prevent me from being successful. So I don't even try. I defeat myself before I even give myself a chance. And that's not the kind of advice I'd give to someone who was in my situation. So, I don't know why I won't take my own advice. I don't know why I have such a low opinion of myself. And it really is low.

I know that a lot of it involved distorted, catastrophic thinking (thanks to CBT therapist David Burns for coining those terms). But yet I still torture myself about the past. And due to fear, remain stuck in the present, because I'm worried about the future.

Meanwhile, it becomes the future, and I start the cycle of anxiety and worry over again about relationships and my choices and how those all led me to where I am today; not in a very happy, fulfilled place in my life. Can anyone relate?

 

[Kaynil]

I can relate. It is an horrible cycle to get yourself into. I might not had it the way you do. Not even sure how to give advice on it and if it'd be of help. It is intimidating even knowing that you tried professional help and you still find it hard. I am projecting from my own experiences but I hope it can help you, even if a bit.

You have to find a way to accept yourself and forgive yourself. If you are in a spot similar to the one I was, where I would not give myself permission to enjoy the present.

If you miss your friends, contact them. If they ignore it you will be in the same spot. Don't deny yourself the opportunity if there is even a slight chance that you could be wrong and it is not too late. Reach to them if that is what you want.

You say you feel stuck. There must be a core in your past that you haven't been able to process.

It seems that some of that frustration with yourself is because you compare your life to other people's lives but you are only perceiving a portion of it. If you are on a social network it is only their highlights.

What kind of goals are you setting for yourself? Are they what you really want to do or what you think you must do? Because everyone is saying that's what you're supposed to want to pursue. Honesty with yourself is very important.

A lot of my low self-esteem and sense of being 'broken' stem from not being able to fit those ideas. My head was filled with "should"s rather than listening to myself and what actually made me happy. So I was guilting myself for not thinking like others or achieving their "success" even though I knew that if I was living their lives I wouldn't like it as much as they did.

There is a quote by Bob Dylan I really have kept close to me:

What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.

So, you gotta find for yourself what is what you really want. Then you will have to take the first step even if your brain makes you dread it.

I sm sorry you are dealing with all these regrets and low self-esteem. I don't know the details of your present or past so I am not sure what of this apply to you. I hope it can still spark something that can be of use for you.

 

[janemariesayed]

The hate you think those people are directing towards you is probably non-existent now. As you say they have moved on in their lives. So that is what you must do too. Try each day to just give your goals 10 minutes of focus. Soon you will see it grow and start to feel better about yourself.

At the same time, don't beat yourself up. Do what you can each day towards your goal and give yourself praise when you achieve a small part of it.

I write stories and sometimes find it very hard to focus because of my mental ill health. But if I can do just a bit each day, even if it is only ten minutes I find that the story grows and eventually gets completed.

Try, and each time you do a little bit, praise yourself.

 

[Jusglass]

I found this post on a Google search and decided to sign up. I found myself nodding to each of your frustrations with a close familiarity. I often find myself on the outside looking in, trying to see what my former friends now leading "normal lives." The one that got me the most was an ex who posted pictures of her self surrounded by her husband and children. I can't believe what I turned out to be. Where did I go wrong? Why am I the one who is exiled? This lead to potent mixture of anger and fear. All I was able to do was listen to another talk by Thich Nat Hahn and try to bring myself into the present moment. Although it is no cure, at least for me, a dose of distraction in the direction of mindfulness has been my safe haven in the violent storms of self doubt and dwelling upon the past.

 

[Peacelily]

I enjoy Thich Nat Hahn's books and video talks. I always take something away from those talks.

I know it's only been more than one month since I posted this thread but I'm still stuck in the dwelling stage. My life has been upturned by job loss, major financial problems and debt, and the lack of a solid social network has done a number on my well-being. I consider myself a very resourceful person too.

All the community resources that I reached to for support (walk-in counseling, support groups) led me to a dead end. The nonprofit that runs a women's support group is postponed until September. The walk-in counseling centers near me only offer short-term crisis walk-ins, not longterm counseling (mostly b/c its a group of social work students who aren't licensed, who are doing their summer practicum or field experience for academic credit).

I miss having a social network of friends and I only have myself to blame for not having one. Since I don't have money to attend meetup groups, I am still socially isolated (I'm an Atheist so I don't attend church) which is not good for me, while I go through this stressful transition of being unemployed etc.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

I'm sorry you're suffering and feeling so isolated. So I want to say this, though - Facebook is NOT reality. People show what they want to show on Facebook. Everyone has a hashtag or a brand these days. But they are just like you - they have their own failures, their own regrets. And they are looking at all of those same pictures and trying to measure up. One of the healthiest things I ever did for my anxiety was delete Facebook from my phone. I check certain groups periodically, and I have Messenger to talk directly with people. But enough with the perfect vacation pictures.

It's really hard when you can't find good counseling resources - you mentioned students. Have you checked local University programs? Student practicum is no necessarily a bad thing. They are always being watched and helped and coached by licensed professionals. There are also lots of resources online or free resources. Maybe others have good suggestions? You don't have to go through this alone!

And if church is not for you, maybe you can find a class or social/volubteer organization nearby to make some social contact. I can also say as a Christian that most churches would be happy to have you along for activities, atheist or not. I know I would!

Good luck to you - don't give up!!

 

[Peacelily]

Thanks for your response Hurt&Hopeful.

You're correct -- Facebook is NOT reality. I shouldn't treat it as such with people's profiles. The Facebook friends I have are under 60 and rarely respond to anything I post. I have no idea if they have blocked me from their wall and news feed. I really don't know.

The problem with University counseling centers is those are restricted to registered students and are not open to the public. So walk-in counseling centers for low income people are what's available to the public. That or private therapy practice but I can't afford that right now.

I will try to look into volunteer organizations here. I should have thought to do that before. Yes, church is not for me. I have had only negative experiences with Christians who judge or condemn me because I don't believe in a deity. But I will look into joining a volunteer organization instead. That is a great suggestion. Thank you. No, I won't give up. I'm just emotionally exhausted and deflated about my current circumstances.

 

[Hurt&Hopeful]

Thanks for your response Hurt&Hopeful.

You're correct -- Facebook is NOT reality. I shouldn't treat it as such with people's profiles. The Facebook friends I have are under 60 and rarely respond to anything I post. I have no idea if they have blocked me from their wall and news feed. I really don't know.

The problem with University counseling centers is those are restricted to registered students and are not open to the public. So walk-in counseling centers for low income people are what's available to the public. That or private therapy practice but I can't afford that right now.

I will try to look into volunteer organizations here. I should have thought to do that before. Yes, church is not for me. I have had only negative experiences with Christians who judge or condemn me because I don't believe in a deity. But I will look into joining a volunteer organization instead. That is a great suggestion. Thank you. No, I won't give up. I'm just emotionally exhausted and deflated about my current circumstances.

I hope you can find something soon! And yep, private therapy is pricey. I don't know where you live, but I know some therapists charge on a sliding scale based on income, if that helps. And some University programs do accept outsiders - I know my local school has a master's program that actually serves the community. Some centers in the U.S. accept Medicare/Medicaid. Keep looking and something will turn up!!

I'm sorry you had that experience with churches, too - It sure seems like the right time in history to love others to me. But you can find a place to help out and belong, no doubt, and helping others helps occupy our minds as well. Exhausted is definitely the right word. But there is light at the end of the tunnel...