Why cant i think of ANYTHING to say in conversations

[determinator]

Hi everyone,

I am very new to this forum, or any forum on the net relating to this topic. I guess I have only just really realised that I have social anxiety disorder. I have been travelling away from home for a year and a half around Europe (I am from Australia, 23 years old) - back home I never really noticed the disorder so much because I had a huge group of friends who I had known for a long time so I was always pretty comfortable..

However - now that I am travelling all over Europe, living in places for 4-5 months then moving and starting new life all over again, I have REALLY REALLY noticed I have a problem socialising.

I have read and really understand the disorder and I have been working on improving things and i think I have - for example I try not to give a **** what people think and just say what I am thinking rather than holding back, I have been doing this... but the biggest problem I have is I cant say anything even if I bloody want to!!! I can not think for the life of me what to say when having conversation with people????!!! This is the only thing that really annoys me or screws me up in situations - I'm not actually scared of the or any situation for any reason but this.. And believe me i will avoid situations or events because I know for fact ill end up just sitting there like a idiot not saying anything and wishing the real me would just come out.

A big example of this is after work (i work in a bar), we all sit there having drinks and everyone is chatting but I can never think of what to say to input, I end up sitting there just laughing at the right moments and look like a moron... This even leads me to drinking a lot or even taking drugs so I am more talkative?? Its not that I am scared to talk though, its just I don't have anything to talk about! I know I'm not a boring person because around people i have known for a long time or who I connect with easily, there is no problem and I am very good value and liked a lot..

I would do anything in the world to be able to just be myself and join in again.... its so annoying and isolating - unbelievably isolating..

I would love to hear from anyone who has advice or even experiences this to just have a chat...

Take care all (sorry for the long rant, but its good to finally get it out there)

 

[determinator]

I forgot to add something important... I always tend to make people feel awkward around me and vice versa... it makes me feel so crap and would hate to think what they think of me for it..

 

[Chris]

Hey welcome to the forums determinator. I don't have much to add, but just want to say that I experience the same thing as what you said above (about awkwardness). I feel awkward around some people but not with everyone. But I wonder if they really feel awkward of its just in my head.

 

[determinator]

Hey welcome to the forums determinator. I don't have much to add, but just want to say that I experience the same thing as what you said above (about awkwardness). I feel awkward around some people but not with everyone. But I wonder if they really feel awkward of its just in my head.

Thanks mate..
Yeah its not everyone but its with a lot of people... and I think because of I think about it - it makes it even worse and possibly more obvious.

Its great to know I'm not alone though!!

 

[loner]

Hi determinator
You're definitely not alone in this feeling awkward and not knowing what to say, but only with certain people. I'm exactly like that. but i've been working on it, and i think, getting somewhere with it. I had a breakthrough recently. i was self conscious about the people i work with, because like you, i thought i might make them feel awkward because i wasn't making easy conversation. then someone told me that another person had been saying how great i was to work with. i don't even know who it was. since then i figure i don't have any excuse to worry, and so i'm not. and that makes it even easier to feel more relaxed when i'm working with someone.
Another thing i do is, not say an affirmation like 'i'm a worthwhile person' etc. (i don't like doing that, its 2 much like trying to convince myself of something that isn't the fact)...what i do is say 'this is how i am right now, end of story, not good, not bad, just its the way it is at the moment'. that doesn't involve any effort, its more like acceptance, and it works better for me.

i'm very interested in this topic. so tell some more about it if you feel like it. i'm from Australia too. a lot of the time i just don't feel like even using my vocal chords, for some reason. i'd rather say things in my mind than out loud.and because i've said something in my mind, then i don't feel like saying it again, out loud! because its not spontaneous, then.

i've been advised to try putting my voice out there, just say something for the sake of hearing my own voice. doesn't matter if anyone responds or even hears. i'm trying that and its good.

all the best
loner

 

[determinator]

Hi determinator
You're definitely not alone in this feeling awkward and not knowing what to say, but only with certain people. I'm exactly like that. but i've been working on it, and i think, getting somewhere with it. I had a breakthrough recently. i was self conscious about the people i work with, because like you, i thought i might make them feel awkward because i wasn't making easy conversation. then someone told me that another person had been saying how great i was to work with. i don't even know who it was. since then i figure i don't have any excuse to worry, and so i'm not. and that makes it even easier to feel more relaxed when i'm working with someone.
Another thing i do is, not say an affirmation like 'i'm a worthwhile person' etc. (i don't like doing that, its 2 much like trying to convince myself of something that isn't the fact)...what i do is say 'this is how i am right now, end of story, not good, not bad, just its the way it is at the moment'. that doesn't involve any effort, its more like acceptance, and it works better for me.

i'm very interested in this topic. so tell some more about it if you feel like it. i'm from Australia too. a lot of the time i just don't feel like even using my vocal chords, for some reason. i'd rather say things in my mind than out loud.and because i've said something in my mind, then i don't feel like saying it again, out loud! because its not spontaneous, then.

i've been advised to try putting my voice out there, just say something for the sake of hearing my own voice. doesn't matter if anyone responds or even hears. i'm trying that and its good.

all the best
loner

Thanks loner.. That's funny you say that actually, about the break through.. I had a very similar one myself lately - someone said its a shame they haven't got to work with me properly yet because so and so said i was a lot of fun to work with.. that was so pleasant to hear it wasn't even funny... sometimes I wonder if I'm liked more than I let myself think? I don't know how much of it is in my head and how much isn't.. it's hard to tell..

 

[loner]

Thanks loner.. That's funny you say that actually, about the break through.. I had a very similar one myself lately - someone said its a shame they haven't got to work with me properly yet because so and so said i was a lot of fun to work with.. that was so pleasant to hear it wasn't even funny... sometimes I wonder if I'm liked more than I let myself think? I don't know how much of it is in my head and how much isn't.. it's hard to tell..

Yes, it is a coincidence. and I think what you say about how much is 'in your head', is spot on. if someone made the comment that you are fun to work with, that really says a lot, and you cant really argue against it. I've been doing work through an agency for the past 2 and 1/2 years, and been overly sensitive about going into different workplaces, feeling like an intruder, imagining people found me annoying. It's taken all this time for me to feel accepted, because of nice feedback I've been getting. In my previous job and in general I used to seem to get along ok with people. but with this temporary casual work, its been quite a struggle to try to fit in. Now I realize that it must have been all in my head that i didn't fit in, and was annoying to people because of my timidity. They are really nice and friendly to me. its strange to think that I had such a different view of things for this long, all in my head. Hope it will be the same for you.
loner

 

[maykasahara]

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new to this site but am so glad to have found some like-minded people. Determinator, I have exactly the same problems as you. I don't feel like I'm 'clamming up' as such but my mind just goes completely blank and I'll only think of what I could've said several hours (or days!) later.

Sometimes I'm just happy to sit and listen to others talking because at times it feels that I get more pleasure from that than making a fool of myself by talking a load of crap for the sake of it! But it gets me down when I think that others must think I'm boring, or rude, or cold, because I don't contribute to the conversation.

Are you naturally quite shy or reserved? I'm naturally like that but for the past few years it's escalated to social anxiety.

It's so nice to hear from others who are in my position!

May xoxo

 

[Rinka]

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new to this site but am so glad to have found some like-minded people. Determinator, I have exactly the same problems as you. I don't feel like I'm 'clamming up' as such but my mind just goes completely blank and I'll only think of what I could've said several hours (or days!) later.

Sometimes I'm just happy to sit and listen to others talking because at times it feels that I get more pleasure from that than making a fool of myself by talking a load of crap for the sake of it! But it gets me down when I think that others must think I'm boring, or rude, or cold, because I don't contribute to the conversation.

Are you naturally quite shy or reserved? I'm naturally like that but for the past few years it's escalated to social anxiety.

It's so nice to hear from others who are in my position!

May xoxo

I feel similar especially talking in a group. For me it feels as if I’m getting mute, start to stutter or my mind is on hold in slow motion. It’s very stressful especially at work. Because of the muteness and the blankness, i have the feeling that my colleagues preceive mr as dump and boring.

 

[determinator]

Hi everyone,

I'm completely new to this site but am so glad to have found some like-minded people. Determinator, I have exactly the same problems as you. I don't feel like I'm 'clamming up' as such but my mind just goes completely blank and I'll only think of what I could've said several hours (or days!) later.

Sometimes I'm just happy to sit and listen to others talking because at times it feels that I get more pleasure from that than making a fool of myself by talking a load of crap for the sake of it! But it gets me down when I think that others must think I'm boring, or rude, or cold, because I don't contribute to the conversation.

Are you naturally quite shy or reserved? I'm naturally like that but for the past few years it's escalated to social anxiety.

It's so nice to hear from others who are in my position!

May xoxo

Haha yes, the same with me - I think of what to say a few hours or like you said, even days later.. I don't know if I am shy but i am quite reserved until I get to know the person or at least have a conversation with them... the other thing i have noticed is if I meet someone one on one I don't generally have a problem making conversation, its just when other people are around or its a group thing. but then again it all depends on who the people are as well.. so many factors contribute. I have never been the most out-spoken or loud person, I guess maybe a little shy/reserved and yeh like you, its escalated to social anxiety or phobia. An important thing is once I know people accept me (with whatever way i work that out), I have pretty much no problem or phobia.

 

[lerap]

Why can you think of nothing to say? Simple, because you're thinking of something to say. Don't think, simply allow yourself to say what you want to.

I know it easy for me to say, but i also suffer from the same symptom. I try hard to say the first thing that comes into my head, regardless of what i think the implications may be.

 

[JCP]

Why can you think of nothing to say? Simple, because you're thinking of something to say. Don't think, simply allow yourself to say what you want to.

I know it easy for me to say, but i also suffer from the same symptom. I try hard to say the first thing that comes into my head, regardless of what i think the implications may be.

This is exactly what I do, overthink what I should say to people. The problem is it's hard to say the first thing i think of because I can't be myself around others.

 

[Ann1984]

I have exactly the same problem and also general anxiety to add . I sometimes wake up with the thought of uncomfortability I will fell when I will go to work because I feel bad that nothing comes to mind when I am talking with the colleges and will look awkward . I have always wondered what are people talking when they go out and have engaging conversations. After saying hi and how are you I can't think of anything else to say. Even when I have a particular topic to talk about (let say movies) I have limited amount of things to say. For me this is for almost whole of my life and I am 34 now. Not wanting to look awkward I push myself to look normal and talk more, but that is a lot of pressure and I feel fake. I have been investigating through the internet and found out that many people with social anxiety have this 'nothing to say' problem so it has dimensions of disorder.
I am going to group psychotherapy that helps me, so the things are little better but still not good.

 

[Ann1984]

Also to add, I blame my parents for all of these. We were never talking openly about things (I was afraid they will dislike what I say because they were very demanding), never had long conversations, they never seemed interested in what I had to say, so they left me with feeling that I am uninteresting to be listened to . They were always conscious of how I expressed myself, always correcting me, observing me as if they didn't believe in me. They didn't let me build my self confidence, never said they love me, never praised me or said I look beautiful to them. They were never an example of normal/good conversationalist also.

 

[MissUnderstood]

Wow! Finally people who have the same issues that I do! I find that a lot of the time I'd rather be in the background, just listening to the conversation. I think I've grown too accustomed to doing this, because when someone asks me to add to the conversation or give my opinion, I can't think of a single word to say! It's like my response mode has been de-activated, or like they caught me off guard and unprepared to say anything. I never expected them to ask for my input. I'm just a spectator, type thing. It's embarrassing! I'm having some anxiety about an upcoming wedding. I'll see relatives I haven't seen in a few years. I never know what to say to them!

Also to add, I blame my parents for all of these. We were never talking openly about things (I was afraid they will dislike what I say because they were very demanding), never had long conversations, they never seemed interested in what I had to say, so they left me with feeling that I am uninteresting to be listened to . They were always conscious of how I expressed myself, always correcting me, observing me as if they didn't believe in me. They didn't let me build my self confidence, never said they love me, never praised me or said I look beautiful to them. They were never an example of normal/good conversationalist also.

I believe my husband's parents were the same way. I never met his mother, but, heard a lot about her. His parents were older. About the age of my grandparents. They were very prim and proper. Showing emotions was shameful in his family. Crying was unacceptable. Stiff upper lip. Always in complete control. They never had deep conversations, either. The elephant in the room was always ignored. If my husband tried to talk to people for more than a few minutes, they would tell him to stop being a pest. They sheltered him to death. They never allowed him to fail at anything. Never said they loved him. Never praised him, only criticized. Very demanding. Perfectionists. I believe this has been damaging to him. He bottles up his emotions, and has done so for many years. He doesn't do deep conversations, hardly ever. I think he's afraid to go there. I think he figures if he goes to a place where he has to acknowledge his emotions that they will all come spilling out, uncontrollably--something his parents have shamed him for in the past. His parents were everything to him, being an only child. He's rather die than disappoint his parents.....even though they have both passed.

 

[Rosie123]

Would it help if you shifted your focus to learning about the other person (probably would work better with a small group or one on one than a big group)? People love to talk about themselves, so if you were to ask them about places they've been, or their job or family or dog or something, that might start a conversation that you could participate in. You could mentally think you are like an interviewer, and shift away from your own feelings of awkwardness. If you really pay attention to what they say, I bet you would be appreciated. So many people in a conversation are waiting to jump in and interrupt with their own story.

I used to be very afraid of talking in public and now I teach high school. How I did that was to focus on what I wanted the students to know, and how to get them to learn something, or how to get them interested in something, rather than focus on how they saw ME or judged ME. (It also helped that they are students, and so I have a bit of a power edge. I still am not fond of speaking to a group of adults)

 

[bloundhound]

Hi everyone,

I am very new to this forum, or any forum on the net relating to this topic. I guess I have only just really realised that I have social anxiety disorder. I have been travelling away from home for a year and a half around Europe (I am from Australia, 23 years old) - back home I never really noticed the disorder so much because I had a huge group of friends who I had known for a long time so I was always pretty comfortable..

However - now that I am travelling all over Europe, living in places for 4-5 months then moving and starting new life all over again, I have REALLY REALLY noticed I have a problem socialising.

I have read and really understand the disorder and I have been working on improving things and i think I have - for example I try not to give a **** what people think and just say what I am thinking rather than holding back, I have been doing this... but the biggest problem I have is I cant say anything even if I bloody want to!!! I can not think for the life of me what to say when having conversation with people????!!! This is the only thing that really annoys me or screws me up in situations - I'm not actually scared of the or any situation for any reason but this.. And believe me i will avoid situations or events because I know for fact ill end up just sitting there like a idiot not saying anything and wishing the real me would just come out.

A big example of this is after work (i work in a bar), we all sit there having drinks and everyone is chatting but I can never think of what to say to input, I end up sitting there just laughing at the right moments and look like a moron... This even leads me to drinking a lot or even taking drugs so I am more talkative?? Its not that I am scared to talk though, its just I don't have anything to talk about! I know I'm not a boring person because around people i have known for a long time or who I connect with easily, there is no problem and I am very good value and liked a lot..

I would do anything in the world to be able to just be myself and join in again.... its so annoying and isolating - unbelievably isolating..

I would love to hear from anyone who has advice or even experiences this to just have a chat...

Take care all (sorry for the long rant, but its good to finally get it out there)

It's likely because you have a brain. Most small talk is vapid,pointless nonsense that people engage because they do not know how to discuss anything intelligent. They also do not know how to cope with being alone or feeling awkward. It's like silence. I've heard it described as being a weapon and for others a magic pill; generally, however, people do not like it.

I get that you feel censored when you try to encourage yourself to speak your mind. I'm a breeder (by nature) so my most honest comments that I'd interject in conversation with people have to do with how they could improve their looks or the way they carry themselves so to attract a partner compatible for the purpose of procreation. Such comments, however, would be considered rude and might even get you fired, imprisoned, killed or all of the above. Otherwise I'd be gabbing about real things like the imminent threat of China and growing Muslim populations, but most people could probably only muster up a conversation about how their dog's **** looked like today. It's frustrating.

My advice: think of other humans as animals. Humans like to think they are so highly evolved, but at the root of things, we are all huge walking, talking animals with basic needs. If you approach humans with this perspective you will be able to better understand and therefore interact with them. Best of luck.

 

[ladybj]

This is exactly what I do, overthink what I should say to people. The problem is it's hard to say the first thing i think of because I can't be myself around others.

Why can't you be yourself around others? Is it because you lack confidence in yourself? Is it because you feel you do not live up to their standards? I once cared what people thought about me but reaching the mature age of almost 60 I am not too concerned anymore what others think about me. I cannot live my life to satisfy them or live up to their standards.. that's too hard and stressful. You will get their, it takes time.