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Why can't I dig myself out of this hole?

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May 30, 2019
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#1
So first off, I haven't posted on a forum in about 10 years...please excuse the awkwardness of this thread. I just wanted to introduce myself and possibly get some advice/input on my situation.

I'm 33 years old. Female, if that's important to you. I have social anxiety, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Not sure if I am officially diagnosed with those things, but those are my issues. I have been taking celexa and klonopin for about 8 years...they help, but only so much.

About 2 months ago, I quit a job that was causing me to have way too much stress. It was with a company who did not care about its employees' well being and would give mandatory overtime every week. I knew this going in and thought that I could handle it.The only redeeming quality was that I was making so much $$ and it was really close to home. I stayed at the job for more than a year before I decided that I couldn't do it any more. I was having multiple panic attacks every day and wasn't able to enjoy my time away from work on the weekends because of the impending week. I did everything that I could to make this job work out, including asking my supervisor to only correspond with me via email when possible and exhausting all of my sick days for the year before I quit.

I kind of found another job. I don't feel like getting into the details because they're not important, but it's a work from home webcam job. (And noo it's not porn webcam! I teach Chinese kids 1 on 1 English as a second language.) It's all about getting a good rating from the parents, lots of bookings, and repeat students. Currently, I am barely getting any bookings and it is totally my fault. I kind of freaked out 2 weeks ago and closed up my schedule so that no one could book me. I opened my schedule back up, but no hits. Like...this is self-sabotage, right? Why am I doing this? Why can't I dig myself out of this hole?

The reality is, I have made a total of $36 in the past 2 months and this is not sustainable. It's making me really anxious, even though I have money saved up from my previous job because I knew this was bound to happen. It's just a matter of time before I'm broke, though.

Any advice, input, similar stories of how you were a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. I made a profile on here because although I have an excellent support system at home, I am feeling extremely by myself at the moment. I feel like such a failure and do not ever see myself being able to succeed in life.
 
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