Which eye to look at?

[Joel7050]

I have this strange problem where I don't know which eye to look at. I've been training myself to remain eye contact when speaking, as I am one ear deaf and naturally look at someone's mouth to help understand unclear words or words that I missed. In face to face conversations, I've noticed odd looks and stares and am trying to correct this problem, but ran into another one on which eye to look at? left or right/ I've found switching between eyes also garners weird looks and my OCD makes me have to spend equal time looking at each eye. What do I do?

 

[pwarbi]

Maintaining eye contact with a person is often hard to do, and the fact that you are worrying yourself already about how to do it is going to make it even harder. While I understand that with OCD you are going to worry about things like this, at the same time I know it's easier said than done but you're going to have to relax a little and try and not take it too seriously. Practice by talking to yourself in the mirror and try and work out a way that you feel most comfortable with could be one way of getting over the problem, but having said that, if you are engrossed in a conversation with a person and they are listening as intently to you as what you are to them, they won't even notice where your looking and so what you are saying is more important than what part of their face your looking at.

 

[Sue]

I have a hard time maintaining eye contact with somebody who is talking to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable especially if I think about it. I don't want to look away from people when they are talking but sometimes I just have to look else where because I start to feel anxious. I am not sure if they pick up on it or not or if it is just me stressing about it. It takes practice and I agree with pwarbi with practicing by talking to yourself in the mirror. I do that every once in awhile when I know I am going to meet up with somebody and have a conversation with them. I think we just overthink it too much. As long as we are listening to the other person and what they are saying I don't think you have to have constant eye contact the entire time they are talking.

 

[It'sJaz]

I don't like to look at people's eyes when facing them because it makes me uncomfortable, so I usually just look at their nose (at the part in between their eyes). It looks like you're looking at their eyes, but you're actually not. It helps a little and in your case, gives you only one thing to focus on.

 

[Surrender]

As Sue said, I think a lot of times we can overthink it. We are probably doing just fine, but feeling overly self conscious about it.


If you make too much eye contact you can make the other person nervous, and if you make not enough, they think you're not listening. So I think just look at them here and there, and at least make a few facial expressions in response to what they're saying, or nod, or or say, yeah, wow, really, uh huh, etc. so if you are not looking at least they know you are listening.


If you are talking it is a little harder to consider what to do (in addition to focusing on what you want to say at the same time), but I think I read somewhere a normal interaction would involve you looking at the person when you start talking, then looking away while you continue talking, then looking back to them when you are about to finish, as it is their cue to talk next.

 

[aimeepoo]

This is something that I used to have a problem doing as well. I think that it is best to maybe just focus on the area between their eyes. That's what I do anyway and it seems to ease my anxieties.

 

[CrepesforDapes]

Whichever one feels more comfortable for you. People can't really tell where you're looking, so whichever one is more natural to look at is the one you should be looking at.


If that doesn't help, you can try looking at peoples noses or slightly above their eyes instead. It will still look like you're maintaining eye contact to them, but you won't have to look at their eyes. A lot of people with social anxiety do that, from my knowledge. However I think it's much better to just force yourself to maintain eye contact, no matter how hard. After a while it'll become habitual and you won't even think about it.

 

[hades_leae]

I met this girl at my old job and we became really close, but something that I didn't notice until later on was that when we were standing pretty close in front of each other, she couldn't look me in my eyes as we talked.


I was wondering why she was looking down and talking, that was the first time I noticed that people don't always look each other in their eyes when they talk. When I talked, she was able to look at me, but when she talked, she had to look away. I don't think many people know that they do that, but it's good we are talking about it.

 

[Joel7050]

I don't like to look at people's eyes when facing them because it makes me uncomfortable' date=' so I usually just look at their nose (at the part in between their eyes). It looks like you're looking at their eyes, but you're actually not. It helps a little and in your case, gives you only one thing to focus on. [/quote']
I think that's actually a great idea! What you mentioned, about looking in between the eyes. I think I'll try it out and get back to you guys here if I still run into problems. Thanks!

 

[Panic57]

I let my eyes travel, from eyes to eyebrows, to mouth, the hand gestures, and then back round again. That way you don't have to stare so hard into their eyes and make them uncomfortable. Also those other aspects contribute to the full expression so it's reasonable to look at them. I don't mind talking to people I know, but I find that I always find a way to get a drink or something so that I can have a legitimate way of breaking eye contact without being rude. But I understand that some settings like talking to the boss or someone important you can't get away from not breaking eye contact. If you can get some space between you and the speaker so you can view the whole face then you don't have to concentrate so hard on which eye. Otherwise, pick an eye, go back and forth and figure out which one is prettier. Make it a game and you'll be less stressed. I know my sister's left eyes is bluer than her right which is a hazel-ish blue. My mom's left eyes also has more green in it. My little brother's eyes are almost identical but his right eye is darker brown.

 

[Laneorexorcist]

Making eye contact during a conversation is probably one of the most stressful things for me to do, and mostly it's all because of those little details. But when I was in middle school, I had one teacher that said that when we didn't know which eye to look at, looking to the gap between the person's eyes can solve this problem. I have been doing it since then and it has worked pretty well for me. I think that you get a general view of the person face, and they are going to get the feeling that you're looking directly into their eyes, when you're really not.

 

[Sunshine00]

I agree with everyone on the tips given and I believe that unless you are in very close proximity to the person, they really aren't going to realize if you're looking at their mouth versus their eyes. Moving your eyes a lot during a conversation is hard not to do - I still do it when I'm in my counseling session and I know it's because of nervousness and anxiety. I continue to try and improve and I think being aware of it is the first step!

 

[DDNatureLover]

I'm fine with making some eye contact, but it can be considered rude to hold the gaze for too long, since it can make people feel uncomfortable. I've never looked at just one eye or the other, because that would probably make me feel uncomfortable when I switched between the two, but I have focused on the bridge of someone's nose, and occasionally their eyebrows, assuming they're close enough to their eyes. I always managed much better with presentations and other circumstances when I had visuals and tangible items that I could hold up, pass around, etc., since that detracted from some of the direct eye contact and increased my comfort level.

 

[bkhl]

Oh my God! I thought I was the only one with such a problem! Reading all those book quotes saying "i looked into his eyes.." and I wonder HOW? how does one look at both eyes! Lately i've just been staring at one eye then the other. Yep *nods* that's for the best.

 

[kelden]

I don't keep eye contact for long. I think is rude and regard it as a way to defy someone into a confrontation.

 

[deanyd_17]

This is rarely a problem for me unless the other person keeps looking back and forth between each of my eyes. Suddenly I become super aware that I'm only looking at the left eye. (Maybe being left handed contributes to that?) As soon as I realise they are doing that, I have to look away or I'll start doing the exact same thing to them.


It's like when someone mentions that you're breathing. You are suddenly very aware of it.

 

[sidney]

I periodically look at their eyes then look away. You certainly don't want to stare at their eyes all throughout the conversation, right? It will make them uncomfortable. You need to look away from time to time.

 

[Joel7050]

It's like when someone mentions that you're breathing. You are suddenly very aware of it.

Yes, I'm suddenly breathing manually and dang, it's annoying! Do you have any ideas on how to forget such ideas, such as noticing the back and forth movement of eyes?

 

[Joel7050]

You need to look away from time to time.

May I know where I should be looking? Just a quick glance to the side? Or looking a way for a few seconds while listening to them or while I am talking?

 

[sidney]

May I know where I should be looking? Just a quick glance to the side? Or looking a way for a few seconds while listening to them or while I am talking?

Look to the side, or to the background of the speaker. Just look away wherever you want, even pretend to check your shoes or look at the ground just so that it won't be that awkward while you speak.