Where to go in my life ….

[Iona]

Hey everyone

I decided to reach out on a community forum because I have been feeling increasingly worse (depression/anxiety) since January.

I have been in and out of work and university courses (wanting to learn to work in social care) and never stick with anything. I’m scared of this world and I’ve always felt so alone. This has went on for years on/off.

my mental health took a turn for the worst in March when I found out I was pregnant. I felt suicidal and at a loss because everything between my partner and I was lovely as it was, but I was feeling very depressed with myself and my individual life (work, confidence, family issues, anxiety etc) I decided a termination was for the best, and everyone who loves me was very supportive and believed it was also the right decision, so I was lucky I didn’t have anyone shaming me. The decision was horrendous and has thrown my already fragile state into crisis. I couldn’t bring myself to start therapy and decided if I was still feeling this way by June, I’d reach out to a therapist. Since the termination, I’ve had waves of severe unhappiness and then calm and a couple of moments of peace.

During May, my partner and I had a few short trips organised. Two of them we went on, I got homesick and anxious by day 2 and then last week we went to Majorca and we ending up booking an early flight home day 4, but all of the days we were there were spent anxious not wanting to around people (especially families with young children) I also had started trying to cut myself in the hotel bathroom and then had a panic attack when I got to the airport on our return.

I’d like to mention something positive.We got a cat called Scully. She’s 6 months and she’s my absolute world. I couldn’t stop thinking about her when I was away on all these trips, or off seeing friends or my mum. I hate being away from her. She is something I know I need to focus on as a positive in my life, because right now I hate myself. I feel like my mental health is crushing me and I’m really struggling with suicidal thoughts on an almost daily basis.

my partner and I have had a long chat several times. He’s incredibly understanding, and as a trainee therapist himself, he’s been so supportive whilst also managing to look after himself. I don’t know how he does it. I care about him very much and I wouldn’t ever want to hurt him, so I’ve told him all my doubts about my life as a whole, and that I’m considering going my own Way to learn how to look after myself. He told me loves me unconditionally and if I decide I’m not happy he accepts that and he hopes we would be friends in the future.

I’m 32 and I’ve moved a hundred times and rarely had any consistency in my life. I’m not close to any of my family, we’re quite fractured, but my mum has been amazing throughout all of this. She’s assured me that if I decide to leave the relationship then I always have a room at hers.

im so lost, everyone. I don’t know my own thoughts, wants or judgment. I’m so scared. Please feel free to share your thoughts

 

[He Man]

Iona, sorry to hear about your suffering. I don't want to advise on specific personal decisions you're facing. But I will say it becomes easier if you take one decision/issue at a time if possible. When you're facing a lot/large change/decisions at once.. it can become overwhelming & paralyzing.
Scully sounds like a cool companion.. keep us posted on how things go. peace

 

[Sweet T]

You’ve been through a traumatic experience. And it’s still so recent. I hope you’ll seek counseling and at the very least be kind to yourself.
Best of luck.

 

[Iona]

Iona, sorry to hear about your suffering. I don't want to advise on specific personal decisions you're facing. But I will say it becomes easier if you take one decision/issue at a time if possible. When you're facing a lot/large change/decisions at once.. it can become overwhelming & paralyzing.
Scully sounds like a cool companion.. keep us posted on how things go. peace

Hi thank you for your reply. I booked a counselling session with someone tomorrow at 4pm. He seemed quite nice on the phone. My anxiety has been through the roof. I haven’t been able to cope with it so the doctor has prescribed me another short dosage of diazepam. (I’m in the UK and it’s a controlled substance here)
I recently tried to reach out to siblings for support. One is trying with me, but she’s known about my health for so long now and never checked in with me until I reached out again to her. The other sister (whom I have a fractured relationship with) messaged me tonight to say she’s closing the door on us, and that things will never be the same, and that I should speak to other people about my problems because she won’t see me. I also can’t see my niece. It came as such a blow to me tonight than I felt like I was going to throw up. I’m so lonely and my relationship is obviously still delicate. I don’t know where to go and what to do. I am fantasising all the time about ways to kill myself

 

[Iona]

Hey everyone

I decided to reach out on a community forum because I have been feeling increasingly worse (depression/anxiety) since January.

I have been in and out of work and university courses (wanting to learn to work in social care) and never stick with anything. I’m scared of this world and I’ve always felt so alone. This has went on for years on/off.

my mental health took a turn for the worst in March when I found out I was pregnant. I felt suicidal and at a loss because everything between my partner and I was lovely as it was, but I was feeling very depressed with myself and my individual life (work, confidence, family issues, anxiety etc) I decided a termination was for the best, and everyone who loves me was very supportive and believed it was also the right decision, so I was lucky I didn’t have anyone shaming me. The decision was horrendous and has thrown my already fragile state into crisis. I couldn’t bring myself to start therapy and decided if I was still feeling this way by June, I’d reach out to a therapist. Since the termination, I’ve had waves of severe unhappiness and then calm and a couple of moments of peace.

During May, my partner and I had a few short trips organised. Two of them we went on, I got homesick and anxious by day 2 and then last week we went to Majorca and we ending up booking an early flight home day 4, but all of the days we were there were spent anxious not wanting to around people (especially families with young children) I also had started trying to cut myself in the hotel bathroom and then had a panic attack when I got to the airport on our return.

I’d like to mention something positive.We got a cat called Scully. She’s 6 months and she’s my absolute world. I couldn’t stop thinking about her when I was away on all these trips, or off seeing friends or my mum. I hate being away from her. She is something I know I need to focus on as a positive in my life, because right now I hate myself. I feel like my mental health is crushing me and I’m really struggling with suicidal thoughts on an almost daily basis.

my partner and I have had a long chat several times. He’s incredibly understanding, and as a trainee therapist himself, he’s been so supportive whilst also managing to look after himself. I don’t know how he does it. I care about him very much and I wouldn’t ever want to hurt him, so I’ve told him all my doubts about my life as a whole, and that I’m considering going my own Way to learn how to look after myself. He told me loves me unconditionally and if I decide I’m not happy he accepts that and he hopes we would be friends in the future.

I’m 32 and I’ve moved a hundred times and rarely had any consistency in my life. I’m not close to any of my family, we’re quite fractured, but my mum has been amazing throughout all of this. She’s assured me that if I decide to leave the relationship then I always have a room at hers.

im so lost, everyone. I don’t know my own thoughts, wants or judgment. I’m so scared. Please feel free to share your thoughts

Update: Todays turned into the worst day of my life. I went to visit my mum and realised that she doesn’t deserve me knocking on her door in distress, so went over the road to the church to sit in on the service and ask for support. They said they could maybe try and get me into a hostel or something. I told my partner where I was and that I was safe and needed space. He then called the police to come and get me because he suspected I was suicidal. Which I was. But I was so upset to be taken to the station by the police. They got me in touch with mental health crisis team and they gave me some advice. Police told me I shouldn’t go to a homeless shelter because theres so much drug use and violence and they don’t think I’d be safe. I said I’d go to a hostel or something but their sergeant told them they have to take to my mums or partners. I didn’t want to go back to his because our relationship is so unsteady. I’m now at mums and she’s letting me settle in without knocking on the bedroom door. I’m now trying to get our little kitten back from my partners and hes not replying. Trying to negotiate with him, but he is saying she should stay with him Incase I change my mind. I miss her so much.

 

[Cirqueme]

Update: Todays turned into the worst day of my life. I went to visit my mum and realised that she doesn’t deserve me knocking on her door in distress, so went over the road to the church to sit in on the service and ask for support. They said they could maybe try and get me into a hostel or something. I told my partner where I was and that I was safe and needed space. He then called the police to come and get me because he suspected I was suicidal. Which I was. But I was so upset to be taken to the station by the police. They got me in touch with mental health crisis team and they gave me some advice. Police told me I shouldn’t go to a homeless shelter because theres so much drug use and violence and they don’t think I’d be safe. I said I’d go to a hostel or something but their sergeant told them they have to take to my mums or partners. I didn’t want to go back to his because our relationship is so unsteady. I’m now at mums and she’s letting me settle in without knocking on the bedroom door. I’m now trying to get our little kitten back from my partners and hes not replying. Trying to negotiate with him, but he is saying she should stay with him Incase I change my mind. I miss her so much.

Hey, look....life isn't easy...but you made the best decision you could at the time...and, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you knew that was best, then there's nothing wrong. Your partner seems very supportive which is a huge positive. I'm sorry to hear about some of your family members, but if they're are going to act like that... you don't need them in your life anyways. Seems unhealthy to have ppl like that around. And hey, you're strong... you might not feel it atm but you're... you're here fighting and I promise you it gets easier.... don't give up...taking your life isn't the answer to fixing this. You're in charge of your life.... it doesn't have to be this way. We all go through hard time , but hard times never stay I'm glad you reached out for help... that's very brave of you.