Well THE BIG DARK MONSTER came to pay a visit this winter…

[Matticus1983]

Hi guys. First off thanks for listening and any replies. This past year an exhaustion hit and by fall and into early winter one of the darkest depressions I’ve ever had in 30 years hit. Note: I’m going to say this because it’s my truth! The only thing keeping me from taking my life and pressing forward was hope in Jesus. But yes it crossed my mind daily.
A whole list of factors played a part in this and the realization that I am indeed Bipolar 2 started to make sense. Yes I’ve been treated for four years for panic and anxiety and depression but I mainly stigmatized myself away from the Bipolar 2 diagnosis. But I am accepting it.

First off “the meds.”
I had a doc put me on an old multi side effect drug for four years, a tricyclic which helped to ruin my physical self. Abnormal EKGs Glaucoma and no sex life for 4 years and I’m married and 42.
He also (and I let him) increase the dosage of Klonopin to 4 mgs a day which in and of itself decreased my cognitive function and memory. Earnestly I felt like I had early onset dementia. Thankfully I stayed on Lamictal but have been on it for 10-12 years. Probably inactive now mostly.
So I felt trapped and scared life and my health would only get worse. I felt of no use to anyone, sleeping everyday away as well. He seemed to not be very sensitive to the fact I needed to get off these drugs. And a yearly drug screen for the controlled substance hasn’t been done in 4 years!!!! I had no idea, that’s illegal!!!!
I found another provider a week ago who has been in the business for years. She seemed so concerned at first about the mess of meds I was on and ultimately said I’m not going to work with you on that much Klonopin. I was like no I want to greatly reduce it so she said ok we’re on the same page. A great lady! Before when I would try to get off this tricyclic I couldn’t because of brain zaps and fog!!! She put me on the smallest dosage of Vraylar 1.5, took me to the lowest dosage of the tricyclic and halted one of my Klonopin pills. Within 4 days my deep depression lifted!!!!!! I’ve had minimal withdrawal brain zaps and seem to be waking earlier and being more productive.
Because my mind goes to the worst I obviously fear serious side effects and what’s going on in my body and brain. But I hope, well I think I’m ok. I see her again in a week and she is basically making me see a therapist. She was appalled at that two. It’s nice to have someone you know who cares! I guess this is a positive post for the most part but I’m unsure how to fix the thinking too much about side effects etc. it’s like saying ok, I’m going to bungy jump. If anyone has any pointers for that let me know. And if you’ve had success with Vraylar let me know. I love you guys and pray for you thanks for listening!

 

[Cuchculan]

I do take Klonopin. I will say that 4mg is a high dose. I am on much lower and ever lowered that down last year. 1.5mg a day. I would stop it, but I take nothing else in the morning. At night I do take something else. So it was easy to cut down the night dose. I would say to think of the good you are doing yourself. Let that carry you through the harder times. The steps you are taking are positive steps. You are fully aware of this.

What we have here in Ireland is older doctors versus younger doctors. Older doctors will give you anything at all. You can ask them for what you want. Younger doctors hate certain types of medication. If you are on them, they try and get you to lower them down. Or even stop them. They would never hand out what an older doctor would hand out. They have a different way of doing things.

The hardest part is getting used to changes. You were used to taking this mix of medication. It was your life. Bad as it was. Your mind and your body will know you are cutting back on the medication. It will want to fight you. A lot of it can be in the mind. Once the lowering process is done slowly over time, you should be OK with it all. You seem to working with a person who wants to do things the right way now. That is good. I would think of the future. How doing what you are doing is going to make you a better person all round. You might have a few rough days. Have had a few of them over the years. They will pass in time. It will be a fight that is well worth it.

 

[Matticus1983]

I do take Klonopin. I will say that 4mg is a high dose. I am on much lower and ever lowered that down last year. 1.5mg a day. I would stop it, but I take nothing else in the morning. At night I do take something else. So it was easy to cut down the night dose. I would say to think of the good you are doing yourself. Let that carry you through the harder times. The steps you are taking are positive steps. You are fully aware of this.

What we have here in Ireland is older doctors versus younger doctors. Older doctors will give you anything at all. You can ask them for what you want. Younger doctors hate certain types of medication. If you are on them, they try and get you to lower them down. Or even stop them. They would never hand out what an older doctor would hand out. They have a different way of doing things.

The hardest part is getting used to changes. You were used to taking this mix of medication. It was your life. Bad as it was. Your mind and your body will know you are cutting back on the medication. It will want to fight you. A lot of it can be in the mind. Once the lowering process is done slowly over time, you should be OK with it all. You seem to working with a person who wants to do things the right way now. That is good. I would think of the future. How doing what you are doing is going to make you a better person all round. You might have a few rough days. Have had a few of them over the years. They will pass in time. It will be a fight that is well worth it.

Cuchculan, thank you. It is a bit of a fight. My body is dealing with stomach stuff right now, my mind is foggy and my short term memory or the lack there of is catching me off guard but I keep thinking. “Time,” it’s just time, it will get better! Yea I’m telling you 4mg of Klonopin is stupid! I’m unsure how I ever even got on that high of a dose. The doc was young but I had a panic attack in his office one day and I think that was the first time he’d ever seen anyone have one. I think he was like oh man he needs help! But at the same time misunderstood it.

 

[randy62]

I supposed to do the light therapy thing, Haven't this winter, not enough sun I get depressed. Plus lately to many negatives seem to be piling on. So here we are in the dark, the depressing dark. From that panic attacks start, stress tension builds, then just wanting to sleep till spring. Actual got so depressed, clinically depressed 3 months I couldn't do crap. It was like being in cave that I saw no way out of. But meds did help paxil zoloft did finally break the curse of depression. Right now Xanax is my go to. when its not so bad hydrozine works.``````````````````````````````````````

 

[Cuchculan]

I once had a doctor who made me have a panic attack in his office. I kid you not. Just so he could show me how to calm back down again. Was the strangest thing ever. He wanted my breathing to be all over the place. He had his methods. At first I was baffled. What the hell is this man doing. Made sense come the end of the day. Simple as taking a lot of deep breaths very quickly. That gets you into panic mode. Then he just sat there with me and talked me back down again. This is how we slow things back down again. This is how we get our breathing right again. All sounds weird. But when you really think about it, he was teaching me something. Rather than just hand me pills and send me off, he wanted me to learn how to control my breathing. Still the weirdest visit to a doctor ever.

 

[randy62]

I learned self hypnosis by listening to a tape my counselor made, one of my doctor purposely pissed me off. I don't know why? But mentally having a way to relax works. Later I came up with the idea of mind vacations, mentally lying on a beach in a relaxing situation. Making it as real as possible, i had a tape with waves and beach sound, under a warming light, even to the point of using suntan lotion.It works. You got memories that relax you, bring them up into your relaxation techniques.