Very bad days, very long post

[Portomar1970]

So I managed to get myself into a downward spiral rabbit hole again and I am struggling to get out of it. It all started this time when back in June, for my annual physical, my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal. Slightly higher lymphocytes and on the lower side neutrophils. At the time I was also on a strict diet so was happily losing weight. Ever since those abnormal blood results, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse. Initially I was worried about leukemia, now lymphoma, now some GI cancer. I work in a hospital and have spoken to a multitude of physicians that I know personally including pathologists, hematology oncologists, my own internal medicine physician and they are all telling me it’s fine. They reiterated that bloodwork numbers fluctuate and my numbers don’t mean anything sinister. One of the doctors I work with checked my neck and told me I have a little swollen lymph nodes and I actually called a ENT surgeon I know to come check my neck. He checked my neck and said everything felt absolutely normal. I feel so stupid trying to get all the reassurances from health care professionals but it’s not helping. I am struggling to believe them. Meanwhile l am now losing more weight (which I now attribute to thinking I have some kind of GI cancer) and I have absolutely no appetite and have absolutely no interest in food. Yesterday I managed to eat somewhat normal and became extremely nauseous afterwards. I feel jittery, anxious, nauseous and I hope this is all anxiety and not something awful like cancer. I need to stop thinking all these awful thoughts and need to put things in perspective but am seriously struggling doing it. Someone PLEASE talk me down.

 

[Belizz]

First of all, your reaction to food now and feeling nauseous etc are all related to anxiety. Also you are focusing on how you feel after you eat probably constantly, so you are looking for "signs". And you were trying to lose weight, so it's not a surprise, right?

You talked to many health professionals, not even one of them being worried about your blood counts shows that it really doesn't mean anything. At least one of them would be worried, please trust the majority. And you talked to oncologists even.
I know that you can have low/high WBCs with the slightest infection in your body that you don't even notice. Because those guys are the ones who fight in the front line first.

Actually you already know all of these yourself, but like all of us, your brain just tries to convince you to believe the other way around
It's all about adopting the habit of not replacing this fear with some other health fear, instead train yourself for adopting another distraction method.
I am hoping that will work, if you need support we are here.

 

[Phillies Phan]

So I’m reading your post I’m thinking my God, that lucky SOB having all those doctors at his beck and call. Why for goodness sakes doesn’t he believe them?

But then I stop and look at the situation I am in and have been in for months and months now. I irrationally fear a disease/symptom and as soon as my fear ends for that issue, I start noticing another “problem”. And it goes on like that with at times only hours of peace of mind before the next concern.

So yes, you should be trusting all these doctors, but I fully understand why you don’t..you, like I have (at least for me) crippling health anxiety, that’s why you’re behaving this way. You are torturing yourself for no good reason. Same with me but the evil is just too strong to fight (for me). If you haven't tried therapy and/or meds, consider that. For me I just know I’m a lost cause.

As you can guess, this was a very bad day for me also. Every day seems to be so now. I ruined what should have been a nice family outing, so I not only have my fear still, but I have the guilt. It’s days like this I wonder whether it’s worth even trying anymore.

 

[Portomar1970]

So I’m reading your post I’m thinking my God, that lucky SOB having all those doctors at his beck and call. Why for goodness sakes doesn’t he believe them?

But then I stop and look at the situation I am in and have been in for months and months now. I irrationally fear a disease/symptom and as soon as my fear ends for that issue, I start noticing another “problem”. And it goes on like that with at times only hours of peace of mind before the next concern.

So yes, you should be trusting all these doctors, but I fully understand why you don’t..you, like I have (at least for me) crippling health anxiety, that’s why you’re behaving this way. You are torturing yourself for no good reason. Same with me but the evil is just too strong to fight (for me). If you haven't tried therapy and/or meds, consider that. For me I just know I’m a lost cause.

As you can guess, this was a very bad day for me also. Every day seems to be so now. I ruined what should have been a nice family outing, so I not only have my fear still, but I have the guilt. It’s days like this I wonder whether it’s worth even trying anymore.

I know exactly how you feel. I too managed to ruin what should have been a beautiful family day. Bought all this food to make an intimate family dinner with my daughter and husband, but sadly I can’t get myself to get off the couch. I now also feel guilty. This crippling health anxiety is awful. I am taking medication and I am thinking I should start seeing a therapist again, just need the motivation to do it. I too wonder if I am beyond the point of ever getting better.

 

[mollyfin]

So I’m reading your post I’m thinking my God, that lucky SOB having all those doctors at his beck and call.

I do admit as much as I hate that everyone here has HA I love that I'm not the only person who thought this! (And yes I know all the reasons I would be bad for me. Didn't stop me from thinking it!)

OP, I don't think you're beyond the point of getting better. Figure, well, now you know your body is in good shape, so you can focus all that energy on your mental health next. Going back to therapy is a good idea if it helped you before.

 

[Lanchparty7]

I know exactly how you feel. I too managed to ruin what should have been a beautiful family day. Bought all this food to make an intimate family dinner with my daughter and husband, but sadly I can’t get myself to get off the couch. I now also feel guilty. This crippling health anxiety is awful. I am taking medication and I am thinking I should start seeing a therapist again, just need the motivation to do it. I too wonder if I am beyond the point of ever getting better.

I understand as I have asked myself this question many times also. I have a once a week standing appointment with my therapist and while it does help temporarily, it is not the “be all end all” for me. Tried meds in the past, did not help at all. I honestly believe I am just wired differently and didn’t exactly win big in the gene pool.

 

[bakwords]

So I managed to get myself into a downward spiral rabbit hole again and I am struggling to get out of it. It all started this time when back in June, for my annual physical, my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal. Slightly higher lymphocytes and on the lower side neutrophils. At the time I was also on a strict diet so was happily losing weight. Ever since those abnormal blood results, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse. Initially I was worried about leukemia, now lymphoma, now some GI cancer. I work in a hospital and have spoken to a multitude of physicians that I know personally including pathologists, hematology oncologists, my own internal medicine physician and they are all telling me it’s fine. They reiterated that bloodwork numbers fluctuate and my numbers don’t mean anything sinister. One of the doctors I work with checked my neck and told me I have a little swollen lymph nodes and I actually called a ENT surgeon I know to come check my neck. He checked my neck and said everything felt absolutely normal. I feel so stupid trying to get all the reassurances from health care professionals but it’s not helping. I am struggling to believe them. Meanwhile l am now losing more weight (which I now attribute to thinking I have some kind of GI cancer) and I have absolutely no appetite and have absolutely no interest in food. Yesterday I managed to eat somewhat normal and became extremely nauseous afterwards. I feel jittery, anxious, nauseous and I hope this is all anxiety and not something awful like cancer. I need to stop thinking all these awful thoughts and need to put things in perspective but am seriously struggling doing it. Someone PLEASE talk me down.

going through it too... convinced i have these things... i seem to feel under the weather every other week... this must mean my system is compromised in my mind... hoping you feel better soon...

 

[nikki001]

So I managed to get myself into a downward spiral rabbit hole again and I am struggling to get out of it. It all started this time when back in June, for my annual physical, my bloodwork came back slightly abnormal. Slightly higher lymphocytes and on the lower side neutrophils. At the time I was also on a strict diet so was happily losing weight. Ever since those abnormal blood results, my anxiety has been getting worse and worse. Initially I was worried about leukemia, now lymphoma, now some GI cancer. I work in a hospital and have spoken to a multitude of physicians that I know personally including pathologists, hematology oncologists, my own internal medicine physician and they are all telling me it’s fine. They reiterated that bloodwork numbers fluctuate and my numbers don’t mean anything sinister. One of the doctors I work with checked my neck and told me I have a little swollen lymph nodes and I actually called a ENT surgeon I know to come check my neck. He checked my neck and said everything felt absolutely normal. I feel so stupid trying to get all the reassurances from health care professionals but it’s not helping. I am struggling to believe them. Meanwhile l am now losing more weight (which I now attribute to thinking I have some kind of GI cancer) and I have absolutely no appetite and have absolutely no interest in food. Yesterday I managed to eat somewhat normal and became extremely nauseous afterwards. I feel jittery, anxious, nauseous and I hope this is all anxiety and not something awful like cancer. I need to stop thinking all these awful thoughts and need to put things in perspective but am seriously struggling doing it. Someone PLEASE talk me down.

this is what i’ve been feeling ever since i got my bloodwork too. it’s been worrying the hell out of me to think i might have those things, the same ones you worry about. but the fact that i’m not the only one who feels this way somewhat tames my anxiety and i hope and pray it does the same for you too. also, try to put your mind somewhere else (like maybe your hobbies or anything you like doing in your spare time), so that your chances of falling into that rabbit hole lessens. i hope today you (and everyone here) will have a better day!

 

[Doug97]

I work in a hospital and have spoken to a multitude of physicians that I know personally including pathologists, hematology oncologists, my own internal medicine physician and they are all telling me it’s fine. They reiterated that bloodwork numbers fluctuate and my numbers don’t mean anything sinister. One of the doctors I work with checked my neck and told me I have a little swollen lymph nodes and I actually called a ENT surgeon I know to come check my neck. He checked my neck and said everything felt absolutely normal. I feel so stupid trying to get all the reassurances from health care professionals but it’s not helping. I am struggling to believe them.

Why is that? Why don't you believe them?

God, I wish I had access to so many experts!

Anxiety kills my appetite too.