Hey. This might not be an appropriate place to talk about this because it could be triggering for a lot of you. So I’m going to write this initial paragraph just prepping for the actual article, which will discuss: fear of violence, paranoid thoughts, and PTSD triggering events so you can leave if you need to. If you believe at all this will make things worse for you, PLEASE STOP READING NOW.
Okay so...
My entire life I’ve had anxiety and intrusive thoughts that people are planning my downfall. Whenever someone makes a joke at my expense or gets irritated my brain immediately thinks, “They’re out for me.” Realistically this would be spotlight syndrome, as truly no one usually gives enough of a sh!t about anyone but themselves to actively do bad things to someone. But also realistically, I grew up around violence. In the home and around me in my life. To put into as little triggering terms as possible, I still don’t trust or talk to any or most grown men to this day, and I’m a fully grown man myself now. The town I was raised in was also very dangerous, we’re most well known in the state for violent crimes and robberies now, and so I grew up with this fear of losing my life too soon because of someone else. It’s remarkably sad, but I have been through enough fighting and physical pain to have a legitimate reason for having these fearful and paranoid thoughts, rather than just anxiety. Not a day goes by where I’m not fearing for my wellbeing in some form or another.
I was diagnosed with minor PTSD by a therapist about a year ago and while I can usually keep the paranoia at bay with logical argument, it gets worse every once in a while when people express negative emotions towards me. My fight or flight is heavy-duty wired by now, and I try to avoid conflict that might escalate at all costs as it throws my body into an overdrive of heart-pounding, sweat inducing, jittery fuel and I hate the feeling.
Recently however, I was met with negative feedback in a group format. My PTSD and anxiety got the better of me, and now I’m obsessing they’ve done something to the entrance to my door. Realistically, they haven’t, I’ve reached out and apologized to people I’ve offended and taken all the right steps. But I’m still on edge. I feel like imminent danger to me is coming, yet I am also petrified of people finding out that I have this much trauma with conflict. I don’t want that label and I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life. It could actually ruin my life if people knew how messed up I was from my life experience and I’m even reluctant to post here. I just figured perhaps it could help. I don’t know...
Okay so...
My entire life I’ve had anxiety and intrusive thoughts that people are planning my downfall. Whenever someone makes a joke at my expense or gets irritated my brain immediately thinks, “They’re out for me.” Realistically this would be spotlight syndrome, as truly no one usually gives enough of a sh!t about anyone but themselves to actively do bad things to someone. But also realistically, I grew up around violence. In the home and around me in my life. To put into as little triggering terms as possible, I still don’t trust or talk to any or most grown men to this day, and I’m a fully grown man myself now. The town I was raised in was also very dangerous, we’re most well known in the state for violent crimes and robberies now, and so I grew up with this fear of losing my life too soon because of someone else. It’s remarkably sad, but I have been through enough fighting and physical pain to have a legitimate reason for having these fearful and paranoid thoughts, rather than just anxiety. Not a day goes by where I’m not fearing for my wellbeing in some form or another.
I was diagnosed with minor PTSD by a therapist about a year ago and while I can usually keep the paranoia at bay with logical argument, it gets worse every once in a while when people express negative emotions towards me. My fight or flight is heavy-duty wired by now, and I try to avoid conflict that might escalate at all costs as it throws my body into an overdrive of heart-pounding, sweat inducing, jittery fuel and I hate the feeling.
Recently however, I was met with negative feedback in a group format. My PTSD and anxiety got the better of me, and now I’m obsessing they’ve done something to the entrance to my door. Realistically, they haven’t, I’ve reached out and apologized to people I’ve offended and taken all the right steps. But I’m still on edge. I feel like imminent danger to me is coming, yet I am also petrified of people finding out that I have this much trauma with conflict. I don’t want that label and I don’t want to be judged for the rest of my life. It could actually ruin my life if people knew how messed up I was from my life experience and I’m even reluctant to post here. I just figured perhaps it could help. I don’t know...
