anikaray01
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- Jul 18, 2019
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- About half a year earlier, in my 12th standard, I remember there was a guy in tuition class whom I thought was kind of nervous. I was sitting next to him, and I knew that his forelegs were tight. I could feel the fear radiating off him. I think I imbibed some of that fear, and before I knew it, I was worried about my tight calves as well. That night, I remember sitting at my desk, my calves tight as fuuuuck, searching for reasons for muscle tightness. Why is this happening to me? And more importantly, how can I get it to stop? I had never before attributed the term “anxiety” to myself. But soon I began thinking about it because I saw one of the potential reasons to be anxiety. I soon began reading up more about anxiety, and identifying myself more and more with it. I remember I watched one of this YouTuber’s video about her struggle with anxiety, and I broke down after watching this video. The terror I had felt at that time had been immense.
- Of course, at that time, I was a sufferer of intense stupidity. Because one instance of me absorbing somebody else’s nervousness could not mean that I was a sufferer of a mental health disorder. But the manifestation of anxiety as a physical symptom is a scary prospect, and one that does not go away. The worst part is that it liiingers. It sulks and does not go away.
- Before I knew it, I was having episodes of crying every now and then. Once I woke up at 4 a.m., and I tuned into a guided meditation. Then I told my mom what I was going through, and all she said was: do you feel like your mind is tired? I was definitely not satisfied with her response, but I was like—yeah. It felt awkward, weird. I felt soo weak.
- And, well, I have had several physical symptoms of anxiety ever since, like weak hands, weak feet, dizziness, shortness of breath (a very scary one), difficulty reading, pit in the stomach, headache, chest pain (though I think that might have been related to some snacks I was eating; the pain would immediately rise when I ate this snack “murmure”), lips feel weird, self-consciousness, doubting whether I know how to talk, walk, write, and read, heaviness in chest, tightness at the back of my neck. But I just don’t seem to get what these symptoms are trying to tell me.
- Last year, I had all but convinced myself that this stuff was happening to me because of my impending board examinations because cutoffs for getting into the university of my choice were sky-rocketing (think 97% and above) and I simply was not sure whether I would be able to crack them or not. But, spoiler alert, I cracked my boards exams. I topped my school. I got into the one of the best institutions in the country. And my schedule became a lot more relaxed afterwards. I went for a vacation. The unease and fear did not ditch me there, but I did not mind. I was sure I was going to be OK now. Boards had ended. It was supposed to be the beginning of paradise now.
- Only, that did not happen. The feelings and sensations haven’t completely ditched me as I had thought they would. Though I have become very neutral to them. Some symptoms like muscle tightness have become non-existent, though I was feeling neck tightness today. And today I am feeling utterly hopeless. New symptoms came on board like weak hands and weak feet, feeling like I can’t walk, like my toes feel weird. I came across a channel on anxiety recently, and began watching some of those videos, and that has made me remember the fact that I may have anxiety whilst grappling with the other side of the argument that I may not have a serious enough problem to bother about. After all, my relationships haven’t suffered because of any of this. I talk to strangers without any problem. I’m still productive. I write a lot. I write stories, though I don’t think I’ve done much of anything during these holidays. When I went to a homoeopathy doctor recently, he asked me about my confidence levels before remarking: oh, your confidence levels seem quite good, actually. So I’m not shy or anything. I have fun now and then. I go out with friends. But all I know is I have a very short life, and I don’t want to spend the entirety of it worrying whether I have my sanity intact or not.
- P.S. My parents were supportive before my boards when I would go up to them, tears streaming down my cheeks, and they would console me. I did a lot of deep breathing (I’ve integrated 10 minutes of it into my morning routine). Also, before my boards, I talked to a relative of mine who is a psychologist seeking her guidance, and she did not seem to think I had that big an issue. She advised me to try mindfulness and not trust everything I read on the internet. But, hey, so many months later, and I am still plagued with worry about the fact that I might be worrying too much. One thing is clear, I have definitely improved my condition. But has it improved enough? Should I seek help (the thought terrifies me for some reason)? Also, another hypothesis, I seem to be latching on to the anxiety, as though my mind can’t let go of it. What is the level of my anxiety? What do you think? Is it a disorder? Is it not a big deal? I want to understand it, and work through it. But how?
- I am plagued with confusion right now. Like should I ruminate on the situation or should I let it go? But does letting go mean that I am ignoring it and not confronting it? Because one of the reasons of having anxiety is not confronting some painful truth, right? Should I pretend I have nothing because what I believe is what I become or should I go seek some professional help?
- Thank you so, so much if you made it to the end of this post. And I would be soo grateful to you if you have some advice, some suggestions, some techniques to kill anxiety. I don’t want to go through it forever. And, if nothing else, to anyone else going through a similar plight, I want to say this—we are in this together.
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