Turning down invitations and difficulty committing to plans

[amy88]

This is something I really struggle with - even if I have something else already booked in, if someone invites me to something I feel massive guilt if I have to turn them down.


I also really struggle with committing to plans - even if it's with people that I like and feel super comfortable around. I think it just makes me anxious because some days I'll be feeling like socializing is something I can manage - other days it seems like an insurmountable task.


How do you find it when you have to turn down invitations to things, and how do you do with committing to plans?

 

[Alex]

Think of it as an invitation, and not a requirement. People are free to accept or deny an invitation and I don't feel guilt at all. I feel bad if I don't go because there if people I don't like are invited though, but I do that more because I don't want to feel uncomfortable. My ex used to drag me to his friends' houses and I tried to get out of it, and once sat in the car because I just didn't want to be around those people.


Plans are another thing; what I have learned is that they do change and you can't always control them. I don't think you should let people down, but be honest. I was supposed to meet my cousin once who had traveled a long way, and I had to cancel because I was very low. I did feel bad then, but I would have been bad company.

 

[lexinonomous]

You are not alone in feeling this way. This is something that I struggled with for years, but have only recently gotten better at. I was tired of disappointing my friends and even losing friends because of this, so I had to make the changes necessary.


My friends would constantly invite me to different outings, but I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable going out. It felt like getting ready to go was just too much trouble, so I would end up ignoring their phone calls and claim that I overslept. I could never commit to plans and my friends ended up not talking to me anymore. People were tired of feeling as if I was lying to them every time I agreed to go on an outing. Today, I won't do this and simply force myself to commit to whatever plans I made. I have to go out of my way to really stick it out.

 

[JGunterman]

Yes, yes, yes. You've summed up one of my biggest problems when it comes to anxiety. I absolute hate disappointing people or making others upset. I'd rather be stuck doing something that would upset me rather than the other way around. I'm perfectly content with small get-togethers. It's actually something I enjoy. Hanging out with a few friends and playing games or having a few drinks has never been a problem with me. However, during college they'd always want me to go with them to frat parties and I couldn't make up any excuses. In my mind, despite this being completely unrealistic, I feel like every time I disappoint someone I'm closer to losing them as a friend. No matter how many times I remind myself that it's not necessarily true, I still feel that way.

 

[amy88]

You are not alone in feeling this way. This is something that I struggled with for years, but have only recently gotten better at. I was tired of disappointing my friends and even losing friends because of this, so I had to make the changes necessary.
My friends would constantly invite me to different outings, but I would feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable going out. It felt like getting ready to go was just too much trouble, so I would end up ignoring their phone calls and claim that I overslept. I could never commit to plans and my friends ended up not talking to me anymore. People were tired of feeling as if I was lying to them every time I agreed to go on an outing. Today, I won't do this and simply force myself to commit to whatever plans I made. I have to go out of my way to really stick it out.

Oh yes - I've definitely used the overslept excuse, or my go-to excuse is that I have a migraine - people don't seem to question that one. I wonder how many others on the forum make excuses to get out of situations...I'm betting a lot of us.

 

[Corzhens]

My husband had a problem with his job recently that he had to resign last month. He said that he is okay and the way I see it, he looked okay. However, he had turned down 2 invitations for a social affair and I have this feeling that is he wanting to be a hermit for now. Even text messages and calls are being ignored. Whenever I would ask, he would reason that he wanted to rest and wanted time for himself for now. With the social affairs, he is tired of socializing, he would say. His friends are now worrying that something is wrong with my husband that they would text me about it. And I would just say that he is busy so maybe next time. I don't know how long this condition will last but I am not focusing on it, giving my husband the freedom to do what he wants for now.

 

[Panic57]

I hate turning down people, it makes me feel so guilty forever. But my mom taught me a trick she learned for business. Kindly say that you have a previous arrangement but that you'll schedule to meet them at another time. If that person is important to you, if not, then just say the first part. For the people you consider important in your life, you just need to push yourself to meet them halfway in a relationship otherwise they're doing all the work to be your friend. And that isn't fair. I don't go to all the engagements my friends invite me to but I make sure that half the inviting is done by me.

 

[John Snort]

You don't have to make any commitments to any plans. My friends know that if they invite me somewhere I may or may not join them and they know that it's not because I don't like them. I think slowly you can get your friends to understand that you are different and they won't bother you with too many invitations to — whatever — this way you are in control. You'll only go when you want to not because you have an obligation to make your friends happy.

 

[Jemina]

I always feel really guilty if people are telling me I should go with them to do something. Rather than making it like an invitation it always seems to be "We're doing this thing so you're coming too because you don't go out enough" which isn't the case at all. I do go out. I go to places I want to go to. I just don't like hanging around in big crowds or going somewhere with no purpose, and I don't like to go out to eat because more often than not the menu won't cater for me anyway because I have allergies. It makes me feel so bad saying no all the time though. Even if I already have plans to do something else.