To Mom's

[XmasCarol52]

First of all I want to say God bless you all.and I do hope that you have a very Happy Mothers Day,Stay safe and I hope everyone is anxiety free.I wish I could say that my mom are close but no we do talk but she wants things her own way,still i sent her a mothers day card.I am trying to forgive her for what she did to me as a child the verbal and sometimes physical abuse but it is so hard why because she still verbually abuses me.Dont asks me why i still love her but I do. Even though she made me this way always putting me down,even now she makes fun of me,i am sorry but that is not a way for a mother to act. Enough said ,I hope you get something really nice,last year i did get a card from my kids but my daughter kept on lying to me over and over again that she had a gift for me and that hurt my feelings ,hey it isn't the gift I could care less what hurt was she had to lie to me about it numerous times,I do hope that your kids treat u a lot better then mine treat me,the y wont give me the time of day.

 

[janemariesayed]

It is so big of you to try to forgive your mum. It's sad that your children treat you the way that they do. It must have been really disappointing to expect a gift from your daughter only to be let down. I wonder why she lied to you about it? Maybe the thought was there but she forgot or didn't have the money.

We already had mothers day over here in the UK last march. I don't like mothers day very much because it reminds me of all my 6 babies dying in my womb. They never breathed the breath of life into their lungs so it is a sad day for me.

I don't know why it is that we still love our parents when they obviously don't love us. It is something I'll be bringing up with my therapist at some point. I would love to understand that.

 

[XmasCarol52]

oh dear lord you lost six babies,that is just so awful .I am so sorry.Ya my kids care more about my mother then they do me.I never get to see my grand kids and they live about ten minutes away from me.Yet my mom gets to see them every single week. I don't say anything though it hurts my feelings but what can u do?? If I get to see them three times in a year that is something.Half of the time my mother has to tell me what is going on with them I didnt even know when my granddaughter was baptized just small stuff like that.. I always send my grandchildren cards for easter valentines day halloween and thanksgiving xmas to of course and i put some money in there cards to most of the time i have to asks if they got my cards

 

[janemariesayed]

That is so sad, you should have been invited to witness your granddaughter's baptism. That must have hurt you so much. I wonder what is their problem, why don't they include you it's just not fair. You give them something all year round but it seems as though you are ignored. Big HUGS for you Carol.

 

[XmasCarol52]

They don't even asks me to the kids birthday parties i suppose that is my fault because they know i won't come because of my agoraphobia and being around a bunch of people i don't know ugh still it wouldn't hurt to asks even if I cannot come,so I just give my friend the gifts and he gives them to them.I cannot help it if i am limited it scares me to go out,i always tell them i will be there in spirit and i always say i will come for Christmas even though they dont ask,My son once told me he doesn't need to ask i am welcome anytime,damn this illness i feel so darn left out . It makes me so angry...It really makes me sick

 

[Concernedgal]

Don't feel bad. It's your brain. Thus world is a scary place. That's what my brain says anyway. I can't go much farther than 15 minutes being out. I just cant. The longer i'm out, the worst it gets. We can't help this. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Thank you and thank you for being such a good friend.You know when I went out to my doctors the other day I had a hell of a time climbing up the stairs and i had to sit down going down them because my legs are to shaky the woman was very nice but my leg got stuck so now I am afraid to take the van maybe i can try it once more if not I will have to pay to companions and homemakers why do they have steps on a van anyway ?It is for elderly people,not to many elderly people can climb steps,i felt so a shame and embarrassed,i dont know if i should try the van again or just go with the companions,what do u think?Unless i can crawl out the back door of the van, I am so worked up over this i mean i want to be comfortable when i go out not to worry but if i do companions i wont know who is taking me the senior center i know who is i am so worked up over this i am so upset and shaky i am at a lost

 

[Concernedgal]

Stick with somebody you trust, if you don't trust the companions then don't do it. I personally would try the van again. And your welcome. What are friends for.

 

[janemariesayed]

They don't even asks me to the kids birthday parties i suppose that is my fault because they know i won't come because of my agoraphobia and being around a bunch of people i don't know ugh still it wouldn't hurt to asks even if I cannot come,so I just give my friend the gifts and he gives them to them.I cannot help it if i am limited it scares me to go out,i always tell them i will be there in spirit and i always say i will come for Christmas even though they dont ask,My son once told me he doesn't need to ask i am welcome anytime,damn this illness i feel so darn left out . It makes me so angry...It really makes me sick

Do you think that if you invited them to your house they would come? If they understand that you have agoraphobia then why don't they bring the children to see you? Visit Nana at the weekend? It would be good for your grandchildren to see you.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Stick with somebody you trust, if you don't trust the companions then don't do it. I personally would try the van again. And your welcome. What are friends for.

no i decided to do the companions the van is just upsetting me more and more i hardly could climb the steps just because my legs are way to shaky.I cannot risk a fall i had one bad one before which damaged my head i dont need another one,i would rather not have to go to the doctors at all.

 

[XmasCarol52]

Do you think that if you invited them to your house they would come? If they understand that you have agoraphobia then why don't they bring the children to see you? Visit Nana at the weekend? It would be good for your grandchildren to see you.

They know how much I want to see my grandchildren I always told them i would love to see them on the weekends but get this he says they don't have time only live ten minutes from them and they don't have the time when my mom lives 20-30 minutes away. I don't think my daughter in law likes me to much anyway.All she does when she is here is pout and look around makes me very nervous i shouldnt have to feel like an outcast in my own home

 

[XmasCarol52]

I am yelling again the past few days my anger has been very bad but my windows are closed i think i will go to sleep what else is there?

 

[janemariesayed]

What about for Mothers Day Carol? Did you get to hear from them at all? Maybe your anger has not been good because of the pain you are feeling inside for the time of year it is. Anger is a symptom of something else, it's a side effect of something else going on in the mind. So just accept it. Don't worry if you are angry and yell. It isn't your fault, let it out I say and yell all you need to. You are releasing a pent up emotion and it's better out than in.

 

[XmasCarol52]

My son is away but he did email me and so did my daughter however get this she gave my gift to my friend to bring up to me i got a 15 dollar gift card from walmart which i loved but it would have been nice to see her.Do u know how many times i see her for a year once that is it she never calls or comes to my house.I have to email both of my kids just to get to hear from them.I am so exhausted i didnt sleep all night oh my god my yelling sounds like there is a demon inside of me well at least the tv was on when i yelled and my windows are shut.I know first i went and dropped my entire cup of cup of soup all over my living room floor so here i am yelling at 10 pm it just triggered off and anger attack,then today when i tried the gift card wrong no again i was mad and yelled i know i know any normal person would have just let it happen but no with me and this stupid bipolar and depression I have to yell. I know it isn't my fault but sometimes it feels like it is. To me it feels like there is a little Carol stuck inside and she needs to get out so the only way she can is lash out by yelling ,the inner child is hurting inside ....I don't dare yell or scream in front of my mother because she gets mad and yells at me .like the other day she got mad because I was nervous about taking the van and i had ever right to be it did not go well at all.. She just says I am being foolish and that it is crazy everything i do to her is crazy.I bet she tells everyone that I am not right in the head.